托福作文 People busy doing different few things

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  WritersForMe 组长 楼主 2019-08-28 21:33:00

  Score: 70

  Suggestions for improvement:

  Minimize use of passive voice; Reduce your essay to 320 words; Shorten long sentences (exceeding 20 words); Keep each paragraph within 95 words. I will provide additional feedback once you resolve the issues above.

  Best regards,

  Lin Qiu

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  WritersForMe 组长 楼主 2019-08-28 21:33:17

  Nationality: 中国 April 19, 2019 at 1:24 pm I agree that people who are busy doing so many different things do very few things well. I hold this point of view for two major reasons.

  First, our energy, like a battery, is limited. Once we focused on one thing, we had better fix our attention on it. This is the best and the only way we can get something down successfully. Take myself and one of my good friend an example. He is a smart person who always got higher scores in almost every subjects when we were at law school. Nevertheless, when we both participated the Chinese Judicial Examination of 2018, I passed while he was not. I think the major reason lies in that he participated the National Graduate Entry Exam at the same year. The two major exams both need enormous preparations so that each of them is extremely difficult to pass. As a result, he did not pass any of the two exams, which made him suffered a lot. One thing I learn from him is that no matter how clever you are, you still have to focus on one thing to make it success.

  Second, I strongly believe that happiness lies more in quality instead of quantity, as an old saying goes “less in more”. You do not need to do many things, you just need to do well in several things which are truly important for your life. Take money as an example. Everybody wants more money, so many people try to think about as many ways to make money as possible. Eventually, they may not really make money in any of their business, because they do not make themselves an expert in any business.

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  WritersForMe 组长 楼主 2019-08-28 21:33:41

  Lin Qiu April 19, 2019 at 4:40 pm I agree that people who are busy doing so many different things do very few things well. I hold this point of view for two major reasons.

  First, our energy, like a battery, is limited. Once we focused on one thing, we had better fix our attention on it. This is the best and the only way we can get something down successfully. Take myself and one of my good friend an example. He is a smart person who always got higher scores in almost every (subjects) when we were at law school. Nevertheless, when we both (participated) the Chinese Judicial Examination of 2018, I passed while he was not. I think the major reason lies in that he (participated) the National Graduate Entry Exam( at )the same year. The two major exams both need enormous preparations so that each of them is extremely difficult to pass. As a result, he did not pass any of the two exams, which made him suffered a lot. One thing I learn from him is that no matter how clever you are, you still have to focus on one thing to make it (success_.

  Second, I strongly believe that happiness lies more in quality instead of quantity, as an old saying goes “less (in) more”. You do not need to do many things, you just need to do well in several things which are truly important for your life. Take money as an example. Everybody wants more money, so many people try to think about as many ways to make money as possible. Eventually, they may not really make money in any of their business, because they do not make themselves an expert in any business.

  ————–

  Having removed several grammatical errors (There are more)

  I agree that people who are busy doing so many different things do very few things well. I hold this point of view for two major reasons.

  First, our energy, like a battery, is limited. Once we focused on one thing, we had better fix our attention on it. This is the best and the only way we can get something down successfully. Take myself and one of my good friend an example. He is a smart person who always got higher scores in almost every subject when we were at law school. Nevertheless, when we both participated in the Chinese Judicial Examination of 2018, I passed while he was not. I think the major reason lies in that he participated in the National Graduate Entry Exam within the same year. The two major exams both need enormous preparations so that each of them is extremely difficult to pass. As a result, he did not pass any of the two exams, which made him suffered a lot. One thing I learn from him is that no matter how clever you are, you still have to focus on one thing to make it a success.

  Second, I strongly believe that happiness lies more in quality instead of quantity, as an old saying goes “less is more”. You do not need to do many things, you just need to do well in several things which are truly important for your life. Take money as an example. Everybody wants more money, so many people try to think about as many ways to make money as possible. Eventually, they may not really make money in any of their business, because they do not make themselves an expert in any business.

  ————-

  Score: 67.3

  Areas for Improvement

  Minimize the number of passive-voice sentences; Reduce each paragraph to -80 words; Resolve conventions issues (spacing after punctuations); Improve variety (by using different words for the same meaning; check how many MAJOR you used); Reduce the number of adverbs (half of the adverbs can be either removed or changed to verbs). Rewrite and re-upload your essay. (You might cut the 2nd paragraphs into two)

  Best wishes,

  Lin Qiu

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