萨莉.鲁尼 短篇 工资先生

Nathan was waiting with his hands in his pockets beside the silver Christmas tree in the arrivals lounge at Dublin airport. The new terminal was bright and polished, with a lot of escalators. I had just brushed my teeth in the airport bathroom. My suitcase was ugly and I was trying to carry it with a degree of irony. When Nathan saw me he asked: What is that, a joke suitcase? You look good, I said. He lifted the case out of my hand. I hope people don’t think this belongs to me now that I’m carrying it, he said. He was still wearing his work clothes, a very clean navy suit. Nobody would think the suitcase belonged to him, it was obvious. I was the one wearing black leggings with a hole in one knee, and I hadn’t washed my hair since I left Boston. 奈森把双手插在他的口袋里，在都柏林机场到达休息室的银色圣诞树旁等我。新航站楼像被抛过光一样明亮，并配有很多自动扶梯。我在机场到洗手间里刷完牙，怀揣着一定程度的讽刺心理提着我丑陋的手提箱。当奈森看到我时问道：那是什么，一个笑话牌手提箱？ 你看起来不错，我说。 他从我手中接过箱子，说，我希望别人别因为我提着这个箱子就觉得它是我的。他依旧穿着他的工作服，一件非常干净的海军服。很明显没人会觉得手提箱是他的。我才是那个穿膝盖漏洞的黑色紧身裤的人，并且从离开波士顿之后就没洗过头发。 You look unbelievably good, I said. You look better than last time I saw you even. I thought I was in decline by now. Age-wise. You look OK, but you’re young, so. What are you doing, yoga or something? I’ve been running, he said. The car’s just out here. Outside it was below zero and a thin rim of frost had formed on the corners of Nathan’s windshield. The interior of his car smelled like air freshener and the brand of aftershave he liked to wear to ‘events’. I didn’t know what the aftershave was called but I knew what the bottle looked like. I saw it in drugstores sometimes and if I was having a bad day I let myself screw the cap off. My hair feels physically unclean, I said. Not just unwashed but actively dirty. Nathan closed the door and put the keys in the ignition. The dash lit up in soft Scandinavian colours. 你看起来棒极了，我说。你看起来比我上次见到你时还要好。 我已经在衰退期了，就年纪而言。你看起来挺不赖的，你还年轻。 你有坚持锻炼吗，瑜伽什么的？ 我一直在跑步，他说。车就停在外面。 低于零度的室外气温让奈森的挡风玻璃的角上形成了一层薄薄的霜。他车内闻起来像某种空气清新剂参杂了那种他喜欢在参加“活动”时用的须后水的味道。我不知道须后水的牌子叫什么，但我知道那种瓶子的样子。有时我能在药店看到它，并且心情不好的时候，我会试图去拧开那些瓶盖。 我的头发不太干净，我说。不只是没有洗，而是真的非常脏。 奈森关上车门，把钥匙插进汽车点火开关。仪表板亮起了一种柔和的斯堪的纳维亚风的色彩。 你没有什么需要等到见面之后亲自告诉我的消息，对吗？他说。 人们通常会这么做吗？ 你没纹个秘密纹身之类的东西吗？ 有的话我会用JPEG格式把它附加上传给你的，我说，相信我。 他倒车驶出了停车场，走上通向出口的灯火通明的大道。我把脚放到乘客座位上，这样我就不用不舒服地把膝盖靠在胸前了。 You don’t have any news you’ve been waiting to tell me in person, do you? he said. Do people do that? You don’t have like a secret tattoo or anything? I would have attached it as a JPEG, I said. Believe me. He was reversing out of the parking space and onto the neat lit avenue leading to the exit. I pulled my feet up onto the passenger seat so that I could hug my knees against my chest uncomfortably. Why? I said. Do you have news? Yeah yeah, I have a girlfriend now. I turned my head to face him extremely slowly, one degree after another, like I was a character in slow motion in a horror film. What? I said. Actually we’re getting married. And she’s pregnant. Then I turned my face back to stare at the windshield. The red brake lights of the car in front surfaced through the ice like a memory. OK, funny, I said. Your jokes are always very humorous. I could have a girlfriend. Hypothetically. But then what would we joke about together? He glanced at me as the barrier went up for the car in front of us. Is that the coat I bought you? he said. Yes. I wear it to remind me that you’re real. Nathan rolled his window down and inserted a ticket into the machine. Through Nathan’s window the night air was delicious and frosty. He looked over at me again after he rolled it up. I’m so happy to see you I’m having trouble talking in my normal accent, he said. That’s OK. I was having a lot of fantasies about you on the plane. I look forward to hearing them. Do you want to pick up some food on the way home? 怎么了？我说。你有新消息吗？ 是的，我现在有一个女朋友。 我极度缓慢地把头转向他，一度一度地旋转，就像某个恐怖电影中的慢镜头角色。 什么？我说。 实际上我们要结婚了。她怀孕了。 我回过头盯着挡风玻璃。前面那辆车的红色刹车灯如同记忆一样，从冰中浮现出来。 好的，很好笑，我说。你的笑话总是很幽默。 我可以有个女朋友。假设一下。 不然的话我们一起该开谁的玩笑呢？ 当有个路障向我们前面的汽车靠近时，他瞥了我一眼。 这是我给你买的那件大衣吗？ 对，我穿它是为了提醒我自己，你真实存在。 奈森摇下车窗，把一张票塞进了机器。夜晚的空气清新而寒冷，通过了奈森的窗户。他摇起车窗后又看了我一眼。 我真的很高兴看到你，我用正常的口音说话有些困难，他说。 没关系，我在飞机上对你产生了很多幻想。 我很期待听你说这些想法。你想在回家路上买些吃的吗？ Ihadn’t been planning to come back to Dublin for Christmas, but my father Frank was being treated for leukaemia at the time. My mother had died from complications after my birth and Frank had never remarried, so legally speaking he was my only real family. As I explained in my ‘happy holidays’ email to my new classmates in Boston, he was going to die now too. Frank had problems with prescription drugs. During childhood I had frequently been left in the care of his friends, who gave me either no affection or else so much that I recoiled and scrunched up like a porcupine. We lived in the Midlands, and when I moved to Dublin for university Frank liked to call me up and talk to me about my late mother, whom he informed me was ‘no saint’. Then he would ask if he could borrow some money. In my second year of college we ran out of savings and I could no longer pay rent, so my mother’s family cast around for someone I could live with until my exams were over. 我本来没打算回都柏林过圣诞节，但我父亲弗兰克当时正在接受白血病治疗。我母亲在我出生后死于并发症，弗兰克从未再婚。所以从法律上讲，他是我唯一真正的家人。而正如我给波士顿新同学发的节日祝贺电子邮件中所说，他现在也要死了。 弗兰克一直在与处方药作斗争。童年时，我经常被交给他的朋友们照顾，他们要么不爱我，要么过于爱护，以至于我变得像豪猪一样蜷缩且畏惧。我们住在米德兰郡，当我搬到都柏林上大学时，弗兰克喜欢给我打电话，跟我谈谈我已故的母亲，告诉我她“不是一个圣人”。然后他会问能否向我借点钱。到了我大学的第二年，我们的积蓄用完了，我不再付得起房租，所以我母亲的家人到处寻找能陪我一起住到我考试结束的人。 Nathan’s older sister was married to an uncle of mine, that’s how I ended up moving in with him. I was nineteen then. He was thirty-four and had a beautiful two-bedroom apartment where he lived alone with a granite-topped kitchen island. At the time he worked for a start-up that developed ‘behavioural software’, which had something to do with feelings and consumer responsiveness. Nathan told me he only had to make people feel things: making them buy things came later on in the process. At some point the company had been bought out by Google, and now they all made hilarious salaries and worked in a building with expensive hand dryers in the bathroom. Nathan was very relaxed about me moving in with him; he didn’t make it weird. He was clean, but not prudish, and a good cook. We developed interests in each other’s lives. I took sides when factional disputes arose in his office and he bought me things I admired in shop windows. I was only supposed to stay until I finished my exams that summer, but I ended up living there for nearly three years. My college friends worshipped Nathan and couldn’t understand why he spent so much money on me. I think I did understand, but I couldn’t explain it. His own friends seemed to assume there was some kind of sordid arrangement involved, because when he left the room they made certain remarks toward me. 奈森的姐姐嫁给了我的一个叔叔，这就是我最终搬来和他同住的原因。那时我十九岁。他三十四岁，一个人住在套漂亮的两居室公寓里，并且有一个花岗岩顶的岛式橱柜台。当时，他在为一家创业公司工作，那个公司开发了一种关于消费者感知与行为的“行为软件”。奈森告诉我，他只需要让人们感觉到某种东西：让他们买东西是后续的事。后来，这家公司被谷歌收购了，现在他们的薪水都很高，并且在一栋浴室里有昂贵干手机的大楼里工作。 奈森对我搬来一起住感到挺放松；他没让这件事变得奇怪。他很干净，但不拘谨，而且是个好厨师。我们对彼此的生活都产生了兴趣。当他的办公室出现派系纠纷时，我在一边旁观。他会从商店橱窗里给我买我喜欢的东西。我本应该只呆到考试结束的那年夏天，但最后我在那里住了将近三年。我的大学朋友们崇拜着奈森，不明白他为什么在我身上花那么多钱。我以为我明白，但我没法解释这些。他的朋友们则似乎认为有某种不干不净的交易在其中，当他离开房间时，他们对我说了一些有的没的。 They think you’re paying me for something, I told him. That made Nathan laugh. I’m not really getting my money’s worth, am I? he said. You don’t even do your own fucking laundry. At the weekend we watchedTwin Peaksand smoked weed together in his living room, and when it got late he ordered in more food than either of us could possibly eat. One night he told me he could remember my christening. He said they served a cake with a little baby made out of icing on the top. A cute baby, he told me. Cuter than me? I said. Yeah well, you weren’t that cute. It was Nathan who paid for my flight home from Boston that Christmas. All I had to do was ask. 他们觉得你在往我身上花钱用来换些什么，我告诉他。 这让奈森哈哈大笑。我的钱花的不太值，对吗？他说。你他妈甚至都不洗衣服。 周末，我们常常一起在他的客厅里看Twin Peaks和抽大麻的节目。等到天色晚下来他就会点很多我们吃不完的外卖。某天晚上，他告诉我他还记得我的受洗仪式。他说他们在蛋糕上放了一个用糖霜做成的小宝宝。 一个可爱的宝宝，他告诉我。 比我可爱？我问。 是啊，你没那么可爱。 奈森帮我付了那年圣诞节从波士顿回家的机票。我需要做的只是随口一问。 The next morning after my shower I stood letting my hair drip onto the bath mat, checking visiting hours on my phone. Frank had been moved to the hospital in Dublin for inpatient treatment after contracting a secondary infection during chemotherapy. He had to get antibiotics on a drip. Gradually, as the steam heat in the bathroom dissipated, a fine veil of goosebumps rose up over my skin, and in the mirror my reflection clarified and thinned until I could see my own pores. On weekdays, visiting hours ran from 6 to 8 p.m. Since Frank was diagnosed eight weeks previously, I had spent my free time amassing an encyclopaedic knowledge of chronic lymphocytic leukaemia. There was practically nothing left about it that I didn’t know. I graduated way past the booklets they printed for sufferers and onto the hard medical texts, online discussion groups for oncologists, PDFs of recent peer-reviewed studies. I wasn’t under the illusion that this made me a good daughter, or even that I was doing it out of concern for Frank. It was in my nature to absorb large volumes of information during times of distress, like I could master the distress through intellectual dominance. This is how I learned how unlikely it was that Frank would survive. He never would have told me himself. 第二天早上洗完澡，我保持站立的姿势，让头发上的水滴到浴垫上，用手机查看探视时间。弗兰克在化疗期间二次感染后，被转移到都柏林的医院接受住院治疗。他不得不打抗生素点滴。渐渐地，浴室里的水蒸汽消散了，一层薄薄的鸡皮疙瘩遮住了我的皮肤。在镜子里我的反射逐渐变得清晰且稀薄，直到我能看到自己的毛孔。工作日的探视时间是下午6点至8点。 自从弗兰克8周前被诊断出患有慢性淋巴细胞白血病以来，我一直在利用空闲时间积累百科全书式的慢性淋巴细胞白血病知识。关于这事几乎没有什么我不知道的了。我的知识远远超过了他们为患者印制的小册子，伸向了硬医学类文本、肿瘤学家在线讨论小组、以及最近同行评审研究的PDF。我没想过这是否能让我成为一个好女儿，甚至也没有想过我这么做是不是出于对弗兰克的关心。在痛苦的时候吸收大量的信息只是我的天性，就像我可以通过理智的支配来控制痛苦一样。这就是我如何了解到弗兰克不太可能活下来的。他决不会亲自告诉我这件事。 Nathan took me Christmas shopping in the afternoon before the hospital visit. I buttoned up my coat and wore a large fur hat so as to appear mysterious through shop windows. My most recent boyfriend, whom I’d met at grad school in Boston, had called me ‘frigid’, but added that he ‘didn’t mean it in a sexual way’. Sexually I’m very warm and generous, I told my friends. It’s just the other stuff where the frigidity comes through. They laughed, but at what? It was my joke, so I couldn’t ask them. Nathan’s physical closeness had a sedative effect on me, and as we moved from shop to shop, time skimmed past us like an ice skater. I had never had occasion to visit a cancer patient before. Nathan’s mother had been treated for breast cancer sometime in the 1990s, but I was too young to remember that. She was healthy now and played a lot of golf. Whenever I saw her, she told me I was the apple of her son’s eye, in those exact words. She had fastened on to this phrase, probably because it so lacked any sinister connotation. It would have been equally applicable to me if I had been Nathan’s girlfriend or his daughter. I thought I could place myself pretty firmly on the girlfriend-to-daughter spectrum, but I had once overheard Nathan referring to me as his niece, a degree of removal I resented. 奈森在医院探视之前的下午带我去买圣诞礼物。我扣上了上衣的扣子，戴上一顶大皮帽，以便在商店橱窗里显得神秘。我最近的男朋友是我在波士顿研究生院认识的，他叫我“冷淡”，但补充说他“不是指性方面”。在性方面，我非常热情慷慨，我告诉我的朋友们。这指的是另一方面的冷淡。 他们笑了，但他们在笑什么？这是我的玩笑，所以我不能问他们。 与奈森的肢体接触对我起到了一些镇定作用，当我们从一家商店转移到另一家商店时，时间像溜冰一样从我们身边滑了过去。我以前从没有机会去看癌症病人。奈森的母亲在90年代的时候接受过乳腺癌治疗，但我当时年纪太小了，什么都不记得。她现在很健康，经常打高尔夫球。无论我什么时候见到她，她都会跟我说，我是她儿子的掌上明珠，一字不差。她坚持说这句话，可能是因为它没有什么险恶的含义。如果我是奈森的女朋友或他的女儿，这句话同样适用于我。我原以为我能把自己牢牢地固定在他“女朋友或女儿”的关系上，但有一次我无意中听到奈森把我称作他的侄女，这让我反感。 We went for lunch on Suffolk Street and put all our luxurious paper gift bags under the table. He let me order sparkling wine and the most expensive main course they had. Would you grieve if I died? I asked him. I can’t hear a word you’re saying. Chew your food. I swallowed submissively. He watched me at first but then looked away. Would it be a major bereavement for you if I died? I said. The most major one I can think of, yeah. Nobody else would grieve. Lots of people would, he said. Don’t you have classmates? 我们去萨福克街吃午饭，把所有的豪华纸质礼品袋都放在桌子底下。他让我点了起泡酒和他们最贵的主菜。 如果我死了你会伤心吗？我问他。 你说的话我一个字也听不见。好好嚼你的饭。 我顺从地咽了下去。他起初看了看我，随后把目光移开了。 我死了对你来说会是一场重大的丧亲之痛吗？我说。 是我能想到的最重大的，嗯。 除你之外没人会伤心。 很多人会的，他说。你不是有你的同学们吗？ 他现在正在注意着我，所以我又咬了一口牛排咽了下去，然后再继续。 你说的这种是震惊，我说。我是说丧亲之痛。 我讨厌的那些前男友们呢？ 丹尼斯？如果我死了，他会很高兴的。 好吧，那是另一个话题，奈森说。 我指的是全方位的悲伤。我想说，大多数24岁的人会留下很多哀悼者。然而和我一起的只有你。 随后在我做牛排的时候，他似乎在考虑这件事。 我不喜欢你让我想象你死了的这种话。 为什么呢？ 如果我死了你会怎么想？ 我只想知道你爱我，我说。 He was giving me his attention now so I took another bite of steak and swallowed it before continuing. That’s shock you’re talking about, I said. I mean bereavement. What about your ex-boyfriend that I hate? Dennis? He would actually like it if I died. OK, that’s another discussion, said Nathan. I’m talking full-scale grief. Most 24-year-olds would leave behind a lot of mourners, that’s all I’m saying. With me it’s just you. He seemed to consider this while I worked on the steak. I don’t like these conversations where you ask me to imagine your death. Why not? How would you like it if I died? I just want to know you love me, I said. He moved some salad around his plate with his cutlery. He used cutlery like a real adult, not shooting glances at me to check if I was admiring his technique. I always shot glances at him. Remember New Year’s Eve two years ago? I said. No. It’s OK. The Yuletide is a very romantic time. He laughed at that. I was good at making him laugh when he didn’t want to. Eat your food, Sukie, he said. Can you drop me to the hospital at six? I asked. Nathan looked at me then as I knew he would. We were predictable to each other, like two halves of the same brain. Outside the restaurant window it had started to sleet, and under the orange street lights the wet flakes looked like punctuation marks. Sure, he said. Do you want me to come in with you? No. He’ll resent your presence anyway. I didn’t mean for his benefit. But that’s all right. 他用餐具往盘子里盛了些沙拉。他像个真正的成年人一样使用刀叉，而不是盯着我，看我是否欣赏他的技巧。而我总是朝他瞥一眼。 还记得两年前的新年前夜吗？我说。 不记得。 没关系。圣诞节也是非常浪漫的时间。 他笑了。我很擅长在他不想笑的时候把他逗笑。吃你的东西，苏西，他说。 你能在六点钟送我去医院吗？我问。 奈森看了看我，我知道他会的。我们可以预判对方，如同同一个大脑的两部分。餐厅窗外开始下起了雨夹雪，在橙色的路灯下，湿漉漉的雪花看起来像标点符号。 当然，他说。你想让我和你一起进去吗？ 不用了，不管怎样他都会讨厌你出现。 我不是为了他。不过没有关系。 For the last several years, in the grip of a severe addiction to prescription opiates, Frank’s mental state had wandered in and out of what you might call coherence. Sometimes on the phone he was his old self: complaining about parking tickets, or calling Nathan sarcastic names like ‘Mr Salary’. They hated each other and I mediated their mutual hatred in a way that made me feel successfully feminine. Other times, Frank was replaced by a different man, a blank and somehow innocent person who repeated things meaninglessly and left protracted silences which I had to try and fill. I preferred the first one, who at least had a sense of humour. Before he was diagnosed with leukaemia, I had been toying with describing Frank as an ‘abusive father’ when the subject came up at campus parties. I felt some guilt about that now. He was unpredictable, but I didn’t cower in terror of him, and his attempts at manipulation, though heavy, were never effective. I wasn’t vulnerable to them. Emotionally, I saw myself as a smooth, hard little ball. He couldn’t get purchase on me. I just rolled away. 在过去的几年里，弗兰克严重沉迷于处方药物，他的精神状态在所谓的连贯性中徘徊。有时在电话里，他还是老样子：抱怨停车罚单，或者起一些挖苦奈森的名字，比如“工资先生”。他们互相憎恨，我以一种我认为成功的女性化的方式调解了他们之间的怨恨。另一些时候，弗兰克被另一个人取代了，一个茫然的，不知为何有些无辜的人，毫无意义地重复一些事，并留下我不得不努力填补的持久的沉默。我更喜欢第一个人，至少有些幽默感。 在弗兰克被诊断出患有白血病之前，当这个话题在校园聚会上出现时，我一直玩味地把他描述成一个“家暴父亲”。我现在对此感到有些内疚。他难以捉摸，但我并没有因为害怕他而畏缩，他的操纵企图虽然很明显，可从未奏效过。我不太容易受到这些伤害。情感层面上，我把自己看成一个光滑、坚硬的小球。我像球一样滚远了，让他无法控制我。 During a phone call, Nathan had once suggested that the rolling was a coping strategy on my part. It was eleven at night in Boston when I called, meaning it was four in the morning in Dublin, but Nathan always picked up. Do I roll away from you? I said. No, he said. I don’t think I exert the requisite pressure. Oh, I don’t know. Hey, are you in bed? Right now? Sure. Where are you? I was in bed too. Not for the first time during these phone calls, I slipped my hand between my legs and Nathan pretended not to notice. I like the sound of your voice, I told him. After several entirely silent seconds, he replied: Yes, I know you do. 在某次电话里，奈森说滚动远离是我的应对策略。我打电话时是波士顿的晚上11点，也就是说都柏林是凌晨4点，但奈森总是会接。 我也会滚动着离你远去吗？我说。 不会，他说。我认为我没有施加那种压力。 哦，我不知道。嘿，你躺在床上吗？ 现在吗？当然，你在哪？ 我也在床上。不是第一次在电话里这样，我把手滑进两腿之间，奈森假装没有注意到。我喜欢你的声音，我对他说。沉默了几秒钟后，他回答说：嗯，我知道你喜欢。 For the whole time we lived together he had never had a girlfriend, but occasionally he came home late and I could hear him through my bedroom wall having sex with other women. If I happened to meet the woman the following morning, I would discreetly inspect her for any physical resemblance to myself. This way I found that everyone in some sense looks like everyone else. I wasn’t jealous. In fact I looked forward to these incidents on his behalf, though it was never clear to me if he enjoyed them that much. For the last few weeks now Nathan and I had been sending each other emails about my flight details, what our plans for Christmas were, whether I had been in touch with Frank. I sent messages detailing my research, quoting from academic papers or cancer foundation websites.In chronic leukaemia, the cells can mature partly but not completely, the website said.These cells may look fairly normal, but they are not. 在我们一起生活的整个时间段里，他从未有过女朋友，但偶尔他回家晚了，我能听到他和女人做爱的声音穿过我卧室的墙。如果第二天早上我碰巧遇到那个女人，我会谨慎地检查她是否和我有任何身体上的相似之处。这让我我发现每个人在某种意义上看起来都很像其他人。我并没有嫉妒。事实上，我为他期待着这些事的发生，尽管我不清楚他是否喜欢这些。 在过去的几周里，我和奈森一直互通电子邮件，内容包括我的航班详情、我们的圣诞节计划、我是否与弗兰克有过联系。我从学术论文或癌症基金会网站上引用了我的研究细节。该网站称，在慢性白血病中，细胞可以部分成熟，但无法完全成熟。这些细胞看起来可能相当正常，但事实并非如此。 When we arrived outside the hospital that night and Nathan went to park, I said: You go. I’ll walk home. He looked at me, with his hands on the steering wheel in exactly the correct position, as if I was his driving examiner. Go, I said. The walk will be good for me. I’m jet-lagged. He drummed each of his fingers against the wheel. OK. Just call me if it starts raining again, all right? I got out of the car and he drove off without waving to me. My love for him felt so total and so annihilating that it was often impossible for me to see him clearly at all. If he left my line of sight for more than a few seconds, I couldn’t even remember what his face looked like. I had read that infant animals formed attachments to inappropriate things sometimes, like falcons falling in love with their human breeders, or pandas with zookeepers, things like that. I once sent Nathan a list of articles about this phenomenon. Maybe I shouldn’t have come to your christening, he replied. 那天晚上，我们抵达了医院门外，奈森准备去公园，我说：你回去吧，我走回家。他看向我，双手放在方向盘完全正确的位置上，如同我是他的驾照考官。 去吧，我说。散散步对我有好处，我有时差。 他用每根手指轮流敲打着方向盘。 好吧。如果下雨了就给我打电话，好吗？ 我下了车，他没向我挥手就开走了。我对他的爱是如此毁灭性地彻底，以至于我常常无法看清他。只要他离开我的视线超过几秒，我就不记得他脸的模样了。我曾在书上读到过，幼小的动物有时会对不恰当的对象产生依恋，比如，猎鹰会爱上它们的人类饲养者，或者熊猫爱上动物园管理员，诸如此类的事情。我曾给奈森发过一份关于这种现象的文章列表。也许我不该来参加你的受洗仪式，他回答。 Two years before, when I was twenty-two, we went to a family New Year’s party together and came home very drunk in a taxi. I was still living with him then, finishing my undergraduate degree. Inside the door of his apartment, against the wall with the coat hooks, he kissed me. I felt feverish and stupid, like a thirsty person with too much water suddenly pouring into their mouth. Then he said in my ear: We really shouldn’t do this. He was thirty-eight. That was it, he went to bed. We never kissed again. He even shrugged it off when I joked about it, the only time I could remember him being unkind to me. Did I do something? I said, after a few weeks. That made you want to stop, that time. My face was burning, I felt it. He winced. He didn’t want to hurt me. He said no. It was over, that was it. The hospital had a revolving door and smelled of disinfectant. Lights reflected garishly on the linoleum and people chatted and smiled, as if standing in the lobby of a theatre or university rather than a building for the sick and dying. Trying to be brave, I thought. And then I thought: or after a while it just becomes life again. I followed the signs upstairs and asked the nurses where Frank Doherty’s room was. You must be his daughter, the blonde nurse said. Sukie, is it? My name is Amanda. You can follow me. 两年前，我22岁的时候，我们一起去参加家庭的新年聚会，喝到酩酊大醉，坐出租车回家。那时我还和他住在一起，虽然已经完成了本科学业。在他公寓的门内，背对着挂衣服的勾子，他吻了我。我浑身发烫，对此感到愚蠢，像一个突然往嘴里倒了太多水的口渴的人。随后他在我耳边说：我们真的不应该这样做。他三十八岁了。就这样，他上床睡觉去了。我们再也没有接过吻。当我拿这件事开起玩笑时，他甚至假装无事发生，这是我记忆中唯一他对我不够友善的时刻。是我做了什么吗？几周后我问到，那次是什么让你想停下来。我能感觉到我的脸很烫。他嗫嚅了。他不想伤害我。他说，不，一切已经结束了，就这样。 医院有一扇旋转门，散发着消毒液的气味。灯光华丽地反射在油地毯上，人们谈笑风生，仿佛站在剧院或大学的大厅里，而不是在为了病人和垂死的人而建的大楼里。得勇敢一点，我想。然后我想：或者过一段时间它会重新变成生命。我跟着指示牌上楼，询问护士弗兰克·多尔蒂的房间在哪里。你一定是他的女儿，金发护士说，苏西，是吗？我叫阿曼达。你可以跟我来。 Outside Frank’s room, Amanda helped me secure a plastic apron around my waist and tie a papery medical mask behind my ears. She explained that this was for Frank’s benefit and not mine. His immune system was vulnerable and mine was not. I disinfected my hands with a cold, astringent alcohol rub and then Amanda opened the door. Your daughter is here, she said. A small man was sitting on the bed with bandaged feet. He had no hair and his skull was round like a pink pool ball. His mouth looked sore. Oh, I said. Well, hello! At first I didn’t know if he recognised me, though when I said my name he repeated it several times. I sat down. I asked if his brothers and sisters had been to see him; he couldn’t seem to remember. He moved his thumbs back and forth compulsively, first one way, then another. This seemed to absorb so much attention that I wasn’t sure he was even listening to me. Boston’s nice, I said. Very cold this time of year. The Charles was frozen over when I left. I felt like I was presenting a radio show about travel to an uninterested audience. His thumbs moved back and forth, then forth and back. Frank? I said. He mumbled something, and I thought: well, even cats recognise their own names. 在弗兰克的房间外面，阿曼达帮我把一条塑料围裙围在我的腰上，并在耳朵后面系上一个纸质的医用口罩。她解释说这是为了弗兰克好，而不是为了我自己。他的免疫系统很脆弱，而我的则不然。我用一种又冷又涩的酒精擦手消毒，然后阿曼达打开了门。你女儿在这里，她说。一个小个子男人坐在床上，脚上缠着绷带。他没有头发，头骨圆圆的，像一个粉红色的台球。他的嘴巴看起来很痛。哦，我说。你好！ 起初我不知道他是否认出了我，即使当我说我的名字时，他重复了好几次。我坐了下来。我问他的兄弟姐妹们有没有来看过他；他似乎记不起来了。他强迫性地前后转动他的拇指，先是朝一个方向，然后朝向另一个方向。这似乎吸引了他太多的注意力，我甚至没法确定他是否在听我说话。波士顿很好，我说。每年这个时候都很冷。我走的时候，查尔斯家被冻住了。我感觉自己在向一个不感兴趣的观众播放一个关于旅行的广播节目。他的拇指在前后移动，不停地前后移动。弗兰克？我说。他咕哝了几句，我心想：行吧，猫至少都能认出自己的名字。 How are you feeling? I said. He didn’t answer the question. There was a small TV set fixed high up on the wall. Do you watch much TV during the day? I said. I thought he wasn’t going to answer that, and then from nowhere he said: News. You watch the news? I said. That went nowhere. You’re like your mother, Frank said. I stared at him. I felt my body begin to go cold, or perhaps hot. Something happened to the temperature of my body that didn’tfeel good. What do you mean? Oh, you know what kind of person you are. Do I? You’ve got it all under control, said Frank. You’re a cool customer. We’ll see how cool you are when you’re left on your own, hmm? Very cool you might be then. 你感觉怎么样？我说。 他没有回答这个问题。墙上高高地挂着一台小电视机。 你白天看电视多吗？我说。 我以为他不会回答这个问题，然后不知从哪里传来一句：新闻。 你看新闻了吗？我说。没有收到答复。 你就像你的妈妈，弗兰克说。 我盯着他。我感觉我的身体开始发冷，或者说开始变热。我的体温让我感到有些不适。 什么意思？ 哦，你知道你是什么样的人。 是吗？ 一切都在你的掌控之中，弗兰克说。你是个很酷的客人。等到你独自一人时，我们就会看到你有多酷，嗯？你可能会很变得很酷。 Frank seemed to be addressing these remarks to the peripheral venous catheter taped to the skin of his left arm. He picked at it with a morbid aimlessness as he spoke. I heard my own voice grow wavery like a bad choral performance. Why would I be left on my own? I said. He’ll go off and get married. It was clear that Frank didn’t know who I was. Realising this, I relaxed somewhat and wiped at my eyes over the edge of the paper mask. I was crying a little. We may as well have been two strangers talking about whether it would snow or not. Maybe I’ll marry him, I said. At this Frank laughed, a performance without any apparent context, but which gratified me anyway. I loved to be rewarded with laughter. Not a hope. He’ll find some young one. Younger than me? Well, you’re getting on, aren’t you? Then I laughed. Frank gave his IV line an avuncular smile. But you’re a decent girl, he said. Whatever they might say. With this enigmatic truce our conversation ended. I tried to talk to him further, but he appeared too tired to engage, or too bored. 弗兰克似乎是对着贴在他左臂皮肤上的外周静脉导管说这些话的。他一边说着，一边病态地漫无目的地挑着它。我听到自己的声音像糟糕的合唱表演一样摇摆不定。 为什么留下我独自一人？我问。 他会离开并结婚。 很明显，弗兰克不记得我是谁。意识到这一点，我放松了一些，在纸制口罩的边缘擦了擦眼睛。我哭了一会儿。我们就像两个在谈论是否会下雪的陌生人。 也许我会嫁给他，我说。 听到这话弗兰克笑了，这是一场没有任何明显语境的即兴表演，但这让我感到满足。我喜欢得到有笑声的回应。 没希望。他会找一个年轻的。 比我更年轻？ 好吧，你很快就会有进展，不是吗？ 随后我笑了。弗兰克向他的静脉输液管线施以慈祥的微笑。 但你是个正派的女孩，他说。不管别人怎么说。 我们的谈话在这神秘的休战中结束。我试图和他进一步交谈，但他似乎太累了或是太无聊了，没法交流。 I stayed for an hour, though the visiting period lasted two. When I said I was leaving, Frank appeared not to notice. I left the room, closed the door carefully, and finally removed my paper mask and plastic apron. I held down the lever on the dispenser of disinfectant fluid until my hands were wet. It was cold, it stung. I rubbed them dry and then left the hospital. It was raining outside but I didn’t call Nathan. I walked just like I said I would, with my fur hat pulled down over my ears and my hands in my pockets. As I approached Tara Street, I could see a little crowd had formed around the bridge and at the sides of the road. Their faces looked pink in the darkness and some of them were holding umbrellas, while above them Liberty Hall beamed down like a satellite. It was raining a weird, humid mist and a rescue boat was coming down the river with its lights on. 我呆了一个小时，尽管拜访时间是两个小时。当我说我要离开时，弗兰克似乎没有意识到。我离开了房间，小心地关上门，最后取下我的纸口罩和塑料围裙。我按住消毒液分配器上的控制杆，直到双手湿透。天冷得刺骨。我把它们擦干，然后离开了医院。外面在下雨，但我没给奈森打电话。我把皮帽拉下来盖住耳朵，双手插在口袋里，像我说的那样走回家。 当我走近塔拉街时，我看到一小群人聚集在路边以及桥的周围。黑暗中，他们的脸看上去是粉色的。其中一些人拿着伞，而在他们的上方，自由厅的大楼给人一种像卫星朝下要发射过来的感觉。雨下得很大，雾气潮湿，一艘开着灯的救援船顺河而下。 At first the crowd appeared vaguely wholesome, and I wondered if there was some kind of festive show happening, but then I saw what everybody was looking at: there was something floating in the river. I could see the slick cloth edge of it. It was the size of a human being. Nothing was wholesome or festive at all any more. The boat approached with its orange siren light revolving silently. I didn’t know whether to leave. I thought I probably didn’t want to see a dead human body lifted out of the Liffey by a rescue boat. But I stayed put. I was standing next to a young Asian couple, a good-looking woman in an elegant black coat and a man who was speaking on the phone. They seemed to me like nice people, people who had been drawn into the drama of it all not for tawdry reasons but out of compassion. I felt better about being there when I noticed them. The man on the rescue boat placed a pole with a hook down into the water, feeling for the edge of the object. Then he began to pull. We fell silent; even the man on the phone fell silent. Wordlessly the cloth pulled away, up with the hook, empty. For a moment there was confusion: was the body being stripped of its clothing? And then it became clear. The cloth was the object. It was a sleeping bag floating on the surface of the river. The man went back to talking on the phone, and the woman in the coat started signalling something to him, something like: remember to ask what time. Everything was normal that quickly. 起先，人群看上去似乎挺乐观，我以为是不是有什么节日表演正在进行，但随后我看到了大家都在看的东西：河里漂浮着一个什么物体。我可以看到它光滑的衣服布料的边。它有一个人那么大。没什么和节日或喜庆相关的事了。小船驶近了它，橙色的汽笛灯无声地旋转着。我不知道是否该离开。我想我可能不太想看到一具尸体被救援船抬出利菲河。但我呆在了原地。我站在一对年轻的亚洲夫妇旁边，他们是一个穿着优雅黑色外套的漂亮女人和一个正在打电话的男人。在我看来，他们都是好人，被卷入这场闹剧的人不是因为什么俗气的原因，而是出于同情心。当我注意到他们之后，我感觉好多了。 救援船上的人把一根带钩的杆子放在水中，摸索着那个物体的边缘。然后开始往回拉。我们沉默了；就连电话对面的那个人也沉默了。布料在无言中被钩子拉开，里面是空的。一时间，人们开始感到困惑：是否是尸体被剥去了衣服？随后事态变得明朗。那块布就是物体本身。那只是一个漂浮在水面上的睡袋。那个男人继续打起了电话，穿外套的女人开始提醒他，比如：记得问几点。一切迅速地恢复正常了。 The rescue boat moved away and I stood with my elbows on the bridge, my blood-formation system working as usual, my cells maturing and dying at a normal rate. Nothing inside my body was trying to kill me. Death was, of course, the most ordinary thing that could happen, at some level I knew that. Still, I had stood there waiting to see the body in the river, ignoring the real living bodies all around me, as if death was more of a miracle than life was. I was a cold customer. It was too cold to think of things all the way through. By the time I got back to the apartment the rain had soaked through my coat. In the hallway mirror my hat looked like a dirty water vole that might wake up at any second. I removed it along with my coat. Sukie? Nathan said from inside. I smoothed down my hair into an acceptable shape. How did it go? he said. I walked inside. He was sitting on the couch, holding the TV remote in his right hand. You’re drowned, he said. Why didn’t you call me? 救援船开走了，我站着把手肘支在桥上，我的造血系统像往常一样工作，我的细胞以正常的速度成熟和死亡。我体内没有任何东西想杀死我。当然，死亡是可能会发生的最普通的事情，在某种程度上我知道这一点。尽管如此，我还是站在那里等着看河里的尸体，无视周围真实的活人，仿佛死亡相比生命更像是一个奇迹。我是个冷漠的客人。天气冷得我没法在路上思考任何事。 我回到公寓时雨已经把我的大衣淋透了。在走廊的镜子里，我的帽子看起来像一只随时可能醒过来的脏水鼠。我把它和外套一起脱了。苏西？奈森的声音从里面传来。我把头发梳成可以让人接受的形状。进展如何？他说。我走了进去。他坐在沙发上，右手拿着电视遥控器。你湿透了，他说。为什么不给我打电话？ I said nothing. Was it bad? Nathan said. I nodded. My face was cold, burning with cold, red like a traffic light. I went into my room and peeled off my wet clothes to hang them up. They were heavy, and held the shape of my body in their creases. I brushed my hair flat and put on my embroidered dressing gown so that I felt clean and composed. This is what human beings do with their lives, I thought. I took one hard disciplinary breath and then went back out to the living room. 我什么也没说。 情况不好吗？奈森问。 我点点头。我的脸很冷，冷得发红，像个红绿灯。我走进房间，脱掉湿衣服并把它们挂起来。它们很重，在皱褶里保持着我身体的形状。我把头发梳平，穿上绣花睡衣，这让我感到干净和镇静。这就是人类的生活方式，我想。我使劲吸了一口气，然后回到起居室。 Nathan was watching TV, but he hit the mute button when I came out. I got onto the couch beside him and closed my eyes while he reached over to touch my hair. We used to watch films together like that, and he would touch my hair in that exact way, distractedly. I found his distraction comforting. In a way I wanted to live inside it, as if it was a place of its own, where he would never notice I had entered. I thought of saying: I don’t want to go back to Boston. I want to live here with you. But instead I said: Put the sound back on if you’re watching it, I don’t mind. He hit the button again and the sound came back, tense string music and a female voice gasping. A murder, I thought. But when I opened my eyes it was a sex scene. She was on her hands and knees and the male character was behind her. 奈森正在看电视，但我出来时他按了静音键。我靠进了他旁边的沙发上，闭上眼睛，他伸手抚摸我的头发。我们过去常常一起像这样看电影，他会像这样抚摸我的头发，让我心烦意乱。我觉得这种分心会让我感到宽慰。在某种程度上，我想住进这种分心里，就好像这是个属于我的地方，他永远不会注意到我住在其中。我本打算说：我不想回波士顿。我想和你住在这里。但我却说了：如果你在看，把声音放回去，我不介意。 他再次按下按钮，声音又回来了，紧张的弦乐和一个喘息着的女声。我想是谋杀。然而我睁开眼睛时，那是一个性爱场面。她跪在地上，男主角则在她的身后。 I like it like that, I said. From behind, I mean. That way I can pretend it’s you. Nathan coughed, he lifted his hand away from my hair. But after a second he said: Generally I just close my eyes. The sex scene was over now. They were in a courtroom instead. I felt my mouth watering. Can we fuck? I said. But seriously. Yeah, I knew you were going to say that. It would make me feel a lot better. Jesus Christ, said Nathan. Then we lapsed into silence. The conversation waited for our return. I had calmed down, I could see that. Nathan touched my ankle and I developed a casual interest in the plot of the television drama. It’s not a good idea, Nathan said. Why not? You’re in love with me, aren’t you? Infamously. It’s one small favour, I said. No. Paying for your flight home was a small favour. We’re not going to argue about this. It’s not a good idea. In bed that night I asked him: When willwe know if this was a bad idea or not? Should we already know? Because now it feels good. No, now is too early, he said. I think when you get back to Boston we’ll have more perspective. I’m not going back to Boston, I didn’t say.These cells may look fairly normal, but they are not. 我喜欢这样，我说。我是说从后面。这样我就可以假装后面是你了。 奈森咳嗽一声，把手从我的头发上移开。但过了一会儿，他说：一般我只是闭上眼睛。性爱场面已经结束了，他们现在在法庭上。我的嘴巴开始湿润了。 我们可以做爱吗？我说。说真的。 哦，我就知道你会这么说。 这能让我感觉好很多。 天啊，奈森说。 然后我们陷入了沉默。对话正等待着我们。我感觉到我已经冷静下来了。奈森摸了摸我的脚踝，而我对这部电视剧的情节产生了偶然的兴趣。 这不是个好主意，奈森说。 为什么不呢？你爱我，不是吗？ 这不太光彩。 只是一个举手之劳，我说。 不，付你回家的机票才是个小忙。我不会和你争论这个。这不是个好主意。 那天晚上在床上我问他：我们什么时候才能知道这是不是个好主意？我们是不是已经知道了？因为现在感觉很好。 不，现在还太早了，他说。我想当你回到波士顿时，我们对此会有更好的判断。 我不会回波士顿，但我没说这句话。这些细胞看起来可能相当正常，但事实并非如此。