Don't want to be a shallow girl. I prefer to be a girl that I always dream of - lovely, thoughtful, always know what's the right thing to do and what's the right thing to say. I know that I have many shortages now. I'm mean, and can be jealous because of some trivial things, like he always invites my roommate to have meal with us and never allow her wash anything. I am so unhappy about that. She and I always keep everything clear and whenever we buy something we always share the money. We share the money for the stuff we use together. She doesn't want to buy bowl, doesn't want to buy trash bags, doesn't want to buy the thing that used to clean plates and pots - that's totally fine. I can live without those, too. But now, I bought them and she just use them as well. Although I'm not happy about that, but that's fine too. Just today when I washed the pot for chicken soup, I felt a little angry. He cooked, I cleaned, she did nothing except eating. Everything seems a little unfair. What made me more angry is that, she said," your boyfriend always cook for me, I'm a little worried that I will be fatter."
I have no one to share this kind of feeling, and I don't know whether it is good to have this feeling. Am I too bad?
OK, let me change to another prospective. He's kind, friendly, warm-hearted. He probably treats everyone equally. I have no rights to stop that. If he wants to invite her join us each time, I won't say anything. I should value our relationship more than complain about his over friendly behaviour to my roommate. I should ignore the trivial things
I really love him when I'm together with him, and miss him when he is not with me. But I feel very bad whenever I think of him and my roommate!!!!!!!!! Although I believe he is not interested in her. But I still feel bad. I'm afraid everything will change gradually. There's nothing I can do except making myself better. So the discipline life should be back.
Exercise, reading, studying, optimistic, confident, I will do the right thing to improve myself and try to make more good quality become part of me.
Time passes sooooo quickly when we are together. But I feel so good.
I actually have a so close boyfriend. I kind of couldn't believe it! I'll try to be a better girl to keep him stay.
Exercise + study everyday, not only for myself, but also for him;)
I am so happy being with him. But I know that I should not love him only because he treats me good, but also because of something good in him. I'll try to discover and record that everyday.
He is a kind guy, treating everyone in a friendly way.
He is outgoing, energetic and happy person.
He is willing to share, at least I know he is willing to share with me, and I think he also like to share with his friends around him.
And I don't want him to love me only because I'm cute in his view, but also because something in me that makes him think i am good.
What I want him to appreciate & what I am expected myself to achieve is that:
1.good personality
2.study hard&work hard
3.good tastes
etc.
I can feel that this seems the right relationship that I will grow and become better from it.
Good night.
Everything is good so far. I just hope everyday I can be better than yesterday. I can have bad feeling, and I can hate someone and something, but I don't want anything or anyone to disturb me, to prevent me from being better. You have the rights to say anything you like. I just hope I can be mature enough to ignore you when you say something that upsets me. And yes, you should try to ignore. Roommate is only roommate. She's that kind of person, so you have no rights to change her.
Shit! My second and third days lunch was finished by them! I am so unhappy! I understood that at that circumstances, it's hard to reject them. They were sitting in the chair and waiting for our food! But it's fine. Just once. I will express my feeling next time.
I am so unhappy now because I just remembered she tried to touch my bf's arm. I really should stop that. Why do I always hide my real feeling? Just say what you feel honestly.
I felt she took advantage of me many times! She's not a friendly person but why do I never say no when I want to reject her?
I really should change my personality. I am too soft, too unconfident, too submissive!!
I need to show my real feeling and say what I mean each time and be more confident.
Fighting! Emily! Leave alone terrible flatmate, leave alone too friendly & kind boyfriend. There's only one corner of the universe you can be sure of improving, and that's your own self. Instead of worrying what people can take away from you, why don't you try to do something more meaningful? Even if she thinks your bf like her, even if your bf unconsciously treat her too friendly, so what? You are still you, and that's the only thing that won't change. You have to make yourself a better person and you will never worry about losing something because there will be always good one waiting for you.
I'm not an "easy girl", and I don't want to be an "easy girl". I know I should not care too much what other people think of me, but even if no one will judge me, I still will feel ashamed. How can I be that kind of girl! What do your parents expect you to do in London by paying so much money here? Don't you remember that? Are you still going to waste your youth and money?
Definitely not! I will not allow anyone change my life. I will focus on what improve me only.
He's right. There's always someone who can let your feel stressed. You can do nothing to change that. But you can always focus on yourself and make yourself better from before.
Exercise and studies! You can forget everything, and you can forgive anyone. But those are the two things that you cannot give up!
Today I went to swim with him again, and I felt very good. The impression he gives to me till now is that : caring, kind, warm-hearted, cute, responsible but a little impulsive and immature. I'm not sure whether he's the lifelong partner for me, but I hope he is. Although we fight sometimes, I do not want him to leave me.
Now you see how fragile and unstable a relationship can be. Before cooking, he seems loves you so much. After your cooking fail, he is another person. I am always aware that people will change. Even if they don't think they will change, but there may be something else make them change. So when he says he wants to marry me or love me forever, do everything for me, I do believe he really means it, but I know that he won't, he will find something in me that he doesn't like. He has expectation for me. That's why he can say love me so much when I just did a simple thing that he appreciate; and he can be angry and disappointed with me when I fail to meet his expectation. I just want to say that I've tried. I won't be super sad if we break up; and we don't break up, I won't believe everything he says as I believed before.
Hope everything will be fine.
Night.
it's hard to prevent someone from changing his mind. what you should do is to be better you, always. Only you are the centre of your world.
Enjoy the time shared with him, but also remember, nothing should stop you being better.
Just realised how much time I've spent on trivial things. I came here to study in order to have a brighter future, not to have a bf who makes me unhappy many times. Maybe it's my problem that it is too frequent to be angry. I really need to learn how to ignore trivial things, how to manage my emotion, how to minimise bad influence of others on me. You can keep doing things that I don't appreciate, but I won't feel anything that much from now on. I am the most important one in my life. There are many things I can't manage about myself. How could I have time to be angry and disappointed about someone else?
Thank you for never letting me go. You changed a lot for me and you always step backward for me. I really appreciate what you have done for me. I know that I am a stubborn girl and I will try my best to be softer and less stubborn. I will try me best to live out the best of every day.
Reading my previous writing, i feel so warm. I just remember that how nice he treats and how deep and real we love each other. Is it only because that's the beginning of the relationship?
What i've learned from this relationship:
1.Appreciate when he treats you good
When you appreciate it, it will appreciate; when you take it for granted, it will disappear. Even he is your bf, even he says love you first, it is not his duty to treat you good. It's his choice whether he treats you good or not. Don't push him change his mind.
2.Don't think too much
Don't think too much whether he still loves you only because of a small random thing. He will always love you if you keep being cute and beautiful as you just met each other. His love for you will vanish only when you start arguing trivial things with him. You can make your life simple and lovely if you ignore trivial things.
3.Control your emotion
Your bad emotions are just like rubbish that you should not pour them to him. Instead of talking or fighting with him when you feel bad, do something positive to conquer bad feeling.
It's useless to remember what happen before. He did love you a lot. But, but that thing have gone. He doesn't love you now. Although he said he still loves you and you just need to experience more and grow up and you two just need more time then maybe you could be together again.
How sly! If he does love you, he would never allow you leave him no matter what. If he does love you, he would come to see you no matter what.
Don't cry for him anymore. Don't call him anymore. Don't send him message anymore. Just let it be what it is. You loved each other deeply. That's all.
I'm very cold and fragile now. I need to calm down and tidy up my emotion.I just feel a little bad for my sister that she just came here and I'm not in my best state to look after her. But this could also be a good beginning. I want you to cheer up at the fastest speed.
First of all, you already broke up with him for a long time, but you were just at the unclear relationship with him after that. You know that's not good. So you should be happy that the unclear relationship is gone. You belong to yourself and he belongs to himself. You two are just not fit each other.
Secondly, deep down, you know that, you are not good enough. Your family, your personality, yourself, everything is not perfect. Remember? Be a better person and the better person will emerge for you. You are not good enough for anything yet, but you will deserve everything you want later. Just enrich yourself and make yourself a person that worthy of the things you like.
Besides, you really made a mistake. Men are men just let it be. He likes beautiful girls just give him enough space to enjoy. You really thing that kind of loser will be attractive to girls? Only you are that kind of stupid to love him! 2 options. Let him enjoy what he is doing. You either continue to be together with him if there's nothing happen or break up with him if he did something wrong. What are you afraid of? Focusing on yourself!
Last. Dear, you know how lucky that you are in London now. Half of the time was already consumed by being together with him, why don't you make the last half count? To live and enjoy hard the life that belongs to you.
And one day, I hope there will be one day that I become a very attractive girl - hot body, beautiful face and excellent career. And I hope he will show up at that day and to see what he lost.
Fighting!
Nothing will change unless you do something to make it change!
Everything in life is art. What you do, how you dress, the way you love someone, and how you talk, your smile and your personality, what you believe in, and all your dreams. the way you drink your tea. how you decorate you home or party. your grocery list. the food you make. how your writing looks and the way you feel.
Life is art.
My sleeping quality is incredibly good recently. So happy about that. Also, my BF is being close to me and call me all the time. He loves me:) I'm so excited about the trip next week! Good night:)
