《自深深处》 每天更一段文
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-03 14:03:56
亲爱的波西： 经过长久的、毫无结果的等待之后，我决定还是由我写信给你，为了我也为了你。因为我不想看到自己在漫长的两年囚禁中，除了使我痛心的传闻外，连你的一行书信，甚至一点消息或口信都没收到。
我们之间坎坷不幸、令人痛心疾首的友谊，已经以我的身败名裂而告结束。但是，那段久远的情意却常在记忆中伴随着我，而一想到自己心中那曾经盛着爱的地方，就要永远让憎恨和苦涩、轻蔑和屈辱所占据，我就会感到深深的悲哀。你自己心中，我想，将会感到，当我孤独地卧在铁窗内服刑时，给我写信要胜过未经许可发表我的书信、或者自作主张地为我献诗；虽然这样世人将一点也不知道你的所为，不管你选择怎样充满悲哀或激情、悔恨或冷漠的言辞来回应或者叫屈。
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kafka (他们为什么如此珍视自渎？) 2014-06-03 14:55:00
亲爱的波茜：在经过漫长徒劳的等待之后，我决定亲自给你写信，这既是为了 你的缘故，也是为了我，我不愿想到在我被监禁的这漫长的两年里，除了使我痛苦 的消息外，却得不到你的只言片语。
我们不幸的最可悲的友谊，已经在公众对我的谩骂声中毁于一旦了。但我仍然
常常回忆起过去的友情。当想到憎恶、仇恨、轻蔑会永远占据我那一度充满爱的心 灵时，我就不禁感到无限悲哀。我想你自己也不难想到，当我孤独地生活在监狱中 时，你给我写信远比未经我的允许就公开我的信或献给我我所不需要的诗好得多。 虽然，无论你选择什么：悲哀或激情、悔恨或冷漠作为你的回答或要求，世人对你 说过的任何话都会一无所知。
（译者: 孙宜学 ）
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-03 15:24:24
亲爱的波茜：在经过漫长徒劳的等待之后，我决定亲自给你写信，这既是为了 你的缘故，也是为了我 亲爱的波茜：在经过漫长徒劳的等待之后，我决定亲自给你写信，这既是为了 你的缘故，也是为了我，我不愿想到在我被监禁的这漫长的两年里，除了使我痛苦 的消息外，却得不到你的只言片语。 我们不幸的最可悲的友谊，已经在公众对我的谩骂声中毁于一旦了。但我仍然 常常回忆起过去的友情。当想到憎恶、仇恨、轻蔑会永远占据我那一度充满爱的心 灵时，我就不禁感到无限悲哀。我想你自己也不难想到，当我孤独地生活在监狱中 时，你给我写信远比未经我的允许就公开我的信或献给我我所不需要的诗好得多。 虽然，无论你选择什么：悲哀或激情、悔恨或冷漠作为你的回答或要求，世人对你 说过的任何话都会一无所知。 （译者: 孙宜学 ） ... kafka还是朱纯深的比较好。
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-03 21:03:37
Dear Bosie, After long and fruitless waiting I have determined to write to you myself, as much for your sake as for mine, as I would not like to think that I had passed through two long years of imprisonment without ever having received a single line from you, or any news or message even, except such as gave me pain.
Our ill-fated and most lamentable friendship has ended in ruin and public infamy for me, yet the memory of our ancient affection is often with me[, and the thought that loathing, bitterness and contempt should for ever take that place in my heart once held by love is very sad to me: and you yourself will, I think, feel in your heart that to write to me as I lie in the loneliness of prison-life is better than to publish my letters without my permission or to dedicate poems to me unasked, though the world will know nothing of whatever words of grief or passion, of remorse or indifference you may choose to send as your answer or your appeal.
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-04 11:23:52
I have no doubt that in this letter in which I have to write of your life and of mine, of the past and of the future, of sweet things changed to bitterness and of bitter things that may be turned into joy, there will be much that will wound your vanity to the quick. If it prove so, read the letter over and over again till it kills your vanity. If you find in it something of which you feel that you are unjustly accused, remember that one should be thankful that there is any fault of which one can be unjustly accused. If there be in it one single passage that brings tears to your eyes, weep as we weep in prison where the day no less than the night is set apart for tears. It is the only thing that can save you. If you go complaining to your mother, as you did with reference to the scorn of you I displayed in my letter to Robbie, so that she may flatter and soothe you back into self-complacency or conceit, you will be completely lost. If you find one false excuse for yourself, you will soon find a hundred, and be just what you were before. Do you still say, as you said to Robbie in your answer, that I “attribute unworthy motives” to you? Ah! you had no motives in life. You had appetites merely. A motive is an intellectual aim. That you were “very young” when our friendship began? Your defect was not that you knew so little about life, but that you knew so much. The morning dawn of boyhood with its delicate bloom, its clear pure light, its joy of innocence and expectation you had left far behind. With very swift and running feet you had passed from Romance to Realism. The gutter and the things that live in it had begun to fascinate you. That was the origin of the trouble in which you sought my aid,and I, so unwisely according to the wisdom of this world, out of pity and kindness gave it to you. You must read this letter right through, though each word may become to you as the fire or knife of the surgeon that makes the delicate flesh burn or bleed. Remember that the fool in the eyes of the gods and the fool in the eyes of man are very different. One who is entirely ignorant of the modes of Art in its revolution or the moods of thought in its progress, of the pomp of the Latin line or the richer music of the vowelled Greek, of Tuscan sculpture or Elizabethan song may yet be full of the very sweetest wisdom. The real fool, such as the gods mock or mar, is he who does not know himself[3f]. I was such a one too long. You have been such a one too long. Be so no More. Do not be afraid. The supreme vice is shallowness. Everything that is realized is right. Remember also that whatever is misery to you to read, is still greater misery to me to set down. To you the Unseen Powers have been very good. They have permitted you to see the strange and tragic shapes of Life as one sees shadows in a crystal. The head of Medusa that turns living men to stone, you have been allowed to look at in a mirror merely. You yourself have walked free among the flowers. From me the beautiful world of colour and motion has been taken away.
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-04 11:24:56
毫无疑问这封信中所写的关于你还有我的生活，关于过去和将来，关于美好变成苦痛以及苦痛或可成为欢乐，个中很有一些东西会深深伤到你的虚荣心的。果真如此的话，那就一遍又一遍地把信重读吧，直到它将你的虚荣心除灭。假如发现信中有什么你觉得是把你冤枉了，记住应该感谢世上竟还有什么错失，可以使人因此受到指责而蒙受冤屈。假如信中有哪怕是一段话使泪花蒙上你的眼睛，那就哭吧，像我们在狱中这样地哭吧。在这儿，白天同黑夜一样，是留给眼泪的。只有这个能救你了。假如你跑到你母亲跟前告状，就像那次告我在给罗比的信中嘲弄你那样，让她来疼你哄你，哄得你又飘飘然得意忘形起来，那你就全完了。假如你为自己找了一个虚假的借口，过不久便会找到一百个，那也就同过去的你毫无二致了。你是不是还像在给罗比的回信中那样，说我“把卑劣的动机归咎”于你？啊！你的生活中可没有动机。你只有欲念而已。动机是理性的目标。说是在你我的友谊开始时你年纪还“很小”?你的毛病不是少不更事，而是对生活懂得太多。少男岁月如晨曦初露，如鲜花初绽，可那纯洁清澈的光辉，那纯真向往的欢乐，已被你远远抛于脑后了。你脚步飞快的，早已从“浪漫”跑到了“现实”，迷上了这儿的阴沟以及生活在里边的东西。这就是你当初为什么会惹上麻烦，向我求助的；而我，以这个世界的眼光看是不明不智的，却出于怜悯和善意出手相助。你一定要把这封信通读，虽然信中的一词一语会让你觉得像外科医生的刀与火，叫细嫩的肌肤灼痛流血。记住，诸神眼里的傻瓜和世人眼里的傻瓜是大不一样的。艺术变革的种种方式或思想演进的种种状态、拉丁诗的华彩或元音化的希腊语那更丰富的抑扬顿挫、意大利托斯卡纳式的雕塑、伊丽莎白时代的歌调，对这些一个人可以全然不知，但却仍然充满最美妙的智慧。真正的傻瓜，诸神用来取乐或取笑的傻瓜，是那些没有自知之明的人。这样的傻瓜，我曾经当得太久了，你也已经当得太久了。别再当下去了。别害怕。恶大莫过于浮浅。无论什么，领悟了就是。同样记住，不管什么，你要是读着痛苦，那我使它形诸笔墨就更加痛苦。那些无形的力量待你是非常好的。它们让你目睹生活的种种怪异悲惨的形态﹐就像在水晶球中看幻影一样。蛇发女怪美杜莎，她那颗能把活人变成顽石的头颅，允许你只要在镜中看就行。你自己在鲜花中了然无事地走了，而我呢，多姿多彩来去自由的美好世界已经被剥夺了。
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-04 22:36:42
I will begin by telling you that I blame myself terribly. As I sit here in this dark cell in convict clothes, a disgraced and ruined man, I blame myself. In the perturbed and fitful nights of anguish, in the long monotonous days of pain, it is myself I blame. I blame myself for allowing an unintellectual friendship, a friendship whose primary aim was not the creation and contemplation of beautiful things, to entirely dominate my life. From the very first there was too wide a gap between us. You had been idle at your school, worse than idle at your university. You did not realise that an artist, and especially such an artist as I am, one, that is to say, the quality of whose work depends on the intensification of personality, requires for the development of his art the companionship of ideas, and intellectual atmosphere, quiet, peace, and solitude. You admired my work when it was finished: you enjoyed the brilliant successes of my first nights, and the brilliant banquets that followed them: you were proud, and quite naturally so, of being the intimate friend of an artist so distinguished: but you could not understand the conditions requisite for the production of artistic work. I am not speaking in phrases of rhetorical exaggeration but in terms of absolute truth to actual fact when I remind you that during the whole time we were together I never wrote one single line. Whether at Torquay, Goring, London, Florence or elsewhere, my life, as long as you were by my side, was entirely sterile and uncreative. And with but few intervals you were, I regret to say, by my side always.
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-04 22:37:23
一开头我要告诉你我拼命地怪自己。坐在这黑牢里，囚衣蔽体，身败名裂，我怪我自己[。暗夜里辗转反侧，苦痛中忽睡忽醒，白日里枯坐牢底，忧心惨切，我怪的是自己。怪自己让一段毫无心智的友情，一段其根本目的不在创造和思考美好事物的友情，完完全全左右了自己的生活。从一开始，你我之间的鸿沟就太大了。你在中学就懒散度日，更甚于在大学时期。你并没有意识到，一个艺术家，尤其是像我这样的艺术家，也就是说，作品的质量靠的是加强个性的艺术家，其艺术的发展要求思想的默契，心智的氛围，安详悠静的独处。我的作品完成后你会钦佩赞赏：首演之夜辉煌的成功，随之而来辉煌的宴会，都让你高兴。你感到骄傲，这很自然，自己会是这么一位大艺术家的亲密朋友，但你无法理解艺术作品得以产生的那些必备条件。我不夸大其词，而是绝对实事求是地要你知道，在我们相处的那个时候，我一行东西都没写[4f]。无论是在托基、戈灵、伦敦、佛罗伦萨，还是其它地方，只要你在身旁，我就才思枯竭，灵感全无[4g]，而除了那么几次以外，我很遗憾地说，你总是呆在我身旁。
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-05 12:49:12
I remember, for instance, in September ’93, to select merely one instance out of many, taking a set of chambers, purely in order to work undisturbed, as I had broken my contract with John Hare for whom I had promised to write a play, and who was pressing me on the subject[5a]. During the first week you kept away. We had, not unnaturally indeed, differed on the question of the artistic value of your translation of Salome,[5.1] so you contented yourself with sending me foolish letters on the subject. In that week I wrote and completed in every detail, as it was ultimately performed, the first act of An Ideal Husband. The second week you returned and my work practically had to be given up. I arrived at St James’s Place every morning at 11.30, in order to have the opportunity of thinking and writing without the interruptions inseparable from my own household, quiet and peaceful as that household was[5b]. But the attempt was vain. At twelve o'clock you drove up, and stayed smoking cigarettes and chattering till 1.30, when I had to take you out to luncheon at the Café Royal or the Berkeley. Luncheon with its liqueurs lasted usually till 3.30. For an hour you retired to White’s.[5.2] At tea-time you appeared again, and stayed till it was time to dress for dinner. You dined with me either at the Savoy or at Tite Street. We did not separate as a rule till after midnight, as supper at Willis’s[5.3] had to wind up the entrancing day. That was my life for those three months, every single day, except during the four days when you went abroad. I then, of course, had to go over to Calais to fetch you back. For one of my nature and temperament it was a position at once grotesque and tragic. You surely must realise that now ? You must see now that your incapacity of being alone: your nature so exigent in its persistent claim on the attention and time of others: your lack of any power of sustained intellectual concentration: the unfortunate accident — for I like to think it was no more — that you had not yet been able to acquire the “Oxford temper” in intellectual matters, never, I mean, been one who could play gracefully with ideas but had arrived at violence of opinion merely — that all these things, combined with the fact that your desires and interests were in Life not in Art, were as destructive to your own progress in culture as they were to my work as an artist[6a] ? When I compare my friendship with you to my friendship with such still younger men as John Gray and Pierre Louÿs[6.1] I feel ashamed. My real life, my higher life was with them and such as they.
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-05 12:50:03
比如，就举许多例子中的一个吧，记得是在1893年9月，我在圣詹姆斯旅馆租了一套房间，这完全是为了能不受干扰地写作，因为我答应过约翰•赫尔写个剧本却完不成合约，他正催着要稿呢[5a]。第一个星期你没来找我。我们就你的《莎乐美》译文的艺术价值意见不合，这的确并不奇怪。因此你就退而给我写些愚蠢的信纠缠这件事。那个星期我完成了《理想丈夫》的第一幕，所有的细节都写好了，同最终的演出本一样。可第二个星期你回来了，我简直就无法再动笔了。每天上午十一点半我就来到旅馆，为的是有机会想想写写，省得在自己家里，尽管那个家够安宁平静的，仍不可避免地会受到打搅[5b]。可是这份心思白费了。十二点你就驾着车来了，呆着抽烟聊天直到一点半，到那时我只好带你去皇家咖啡座或伯克莱用午餐。午餐加上甜酒，一顿通常吃到三点半。你到怀特俱乐部歇了一个钟头，等下午茶时分又出现了，一呆就呆到更衣用正餐的时候。你同我用餐，要么在萨瓦伊酒店要么在泰特街。照例我们要等到半夜过后才分手，因为在威利斯菜馆吃过夜宵后这销魂的一天不收也得收了。这就是我在那三个月过的生活，天天如此，除了你出国的四天外。当然我过后不得不到加来去把你接回国。具有我这样心地禀性的人，那情形既荒诞又具悲剧性。
现在肯定你必得意识到这一点吧？你一个人是呆不住的：你的天性是这样迫切执拗地要求别人关心你，花时间陪你；还要看到你缺乏将心智持续地全神贯注的能力：不幸的偶然——说它偶然，因为我希望已不再如此——即你那时还无法养成在探索智性事物方面的“牛津气质”，我的意思是，你这个人从来就不能优雅地玩味各种意念，只会提提暴烈的门户之见——这一切，加上你的各种欲望和兴趣是在生活而不在艺术，两相巧合，对于你本人性灵教养的长进，跟对于我作为艺术家的创作工作，具有同样的破坏性。你现在必得明白这一点吧[6a]？把同你的友谊，跟同像约翰•格雷和皮埃尔•路易斯这样还要年轻的人的友谊相比时，我感到羞愧。我真正的生活，更高层次的生活，是同他们和像他们这样的人在一起的时候。
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-06 15:17:20
Of the appalling results of my friendship with you I don’t speak at present[7a]. I am thinking merely of its quality while it lasted. It was intellectually degrading to me[7b]. You had the rudiments of an artistic temperament in its germ. But I met you either too late or too soon, I don’t know which. When you were away I was all right. The moment, in the early December of the year to which I have been alluding, I had succeeded in inducing your mother to send you out of England, I collected again the torn and ravelled web of my imagination[7c], got my life back into my own hands, and not merely finished the three remaining acts of An Ideal Husband, but conceived and had almost completed two other plays of a completely different type, the Florentine Tragedy and La Sainte Courtisane,[7.1] when suddenly, unbidden, unwelcome, and under circumstances fatal to my happiness you returned[7d]. The two works left then imperfect I was unable to take up again. The mood that created them I could never recover[7e]. You now, having yourself published a volume of verse, will be able to recognise the truth of everything I have said here. Whether you can or not it remains as a hideous truth in the very heart of our friendship. While you were with me you were the absolute ruin of my Art, and in allowing you to stand persistently between Art and myself I give to myself shame and blame in the fullest degree[7f]. You couldn’t know, you couldn’t understand, you couldn’t appreciate[7g]. I had no right to expect it of you at all. Your interests were merely in your meals and moods. Your desires were simply for amusements, for ordinary or less ordinary pleasures[7h]. They were what your temperament needed, or thought it needed for the moment. I should have forbidden you my house and my chambers except when I specially invited you[7i]. I blame myself without reserve for my weakness. It was merely weakness. One half-hour with Art was always more to me than a cycle with you. Nothing really at any period of my life was ever of the smallest importance to me compared with Art. But in the case of an artist, weakness is nothing less than a crime, when it is a weakness that paralyses the imagination.
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-06 15:17:44
同你的友谊所导致的恶果暂且不说[7a]。我只是在考虑那段友谊的内在质量。对于我那是心智上的堕落[7b]。你具有一种艺术气质初露时的萌芽迹象。但是我同你相遇，要么太迟要么太早了，我也说不清楚。你不在时我一切都好。那个时候，也就是我一直在说的那年十二月初，我劝得你母亲把你送出英国后，就重新拾起、再度编织我那支离破碎的想象之网[7c]，生活也重归自己掌握，不但完成了《理想丈夫》剩下的三幕，还构思并几乎完成了另外两个完全不同的剧本，《佛罗伦萨悲剧》和《圣妓》。而这时，突然之间，不召自来，不请自到，在我的幸福生死攸关的情形下，你回来了[7d]。那两部作品有待完稿，而我却无法再提笔了。创作它们的那份心境永远也无法失而复得了[7e]。你本人现在已有一本诗集出版，会承认我说的全是真话。不管你承不承认，这都是你我友谊的核心里一段不堪回首的真事。你同我在一起时便绝对是我艺术的克星，而竟然允许你执拗地隔在我和艺术之间，对此我羞愧难当，咎责难辞[7f]。回想起来，你无法知道，你无法理解，你无法体谅[7g]。而我一点也无权指望你能做到这些。你的兴趣所在，不外乎餐饭和喜怒。你的欲望所寄，不过是寻欢作乐，不过是平平庸庸或等而下之的消遣享福而已[7h]。这些是你禀性的需要，或认为是它一时的需要。我本来应该将你拒之门外，非特别邀请不得登门[7i]。我毫无保留地责怪自己的软弱。除了软弱还是软弱。半小时的与艺术相处，对于我总是胜过一整天地同你厮混。在我生命的任何时期，对我来说任何东西只要与艺术相比，便无足轻重了。但就一个艺术家而言，如果软弱使想象力瘫痪，那软弱就不亚于犯罪。
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-07 21:46:52
I blame myself again for having allowed you to bring me to utter and discreditable financial ruin. I remember one morning in the early October of ’92 sitting in the yellowing woods at Bracknell with your mother. At that time I knew very little of your real nature. I had stayed from a Saturday to Monday with you at Oxford. You had stayed with me at Cromer for ten days and played golf[8a]. The conversation turned on you, and your mother began to speak to me about your character. She told me of your two chief faults, your vanity, and your being, as she termed it, "all wrong about money." I have a distinct recollection of how I laughed. I had no idea that the first would bring me to prison, and the second to bankruptcy[8b]. I thought vanity a sort of graceful flower for a young man to wear; as for extravagance — for I thought she meant no more than extravagance—the virtues of prudence and thrift were not in my own nature or my own race. But before our friendship was one month older I began to see what your mother really meant. Your insistence on a life of reckless profusion[8c]: your incessant demands for money: your claim that all your pleasures should be paid for by me whether I was with you or not: brought me after some time into serious monetary difficulties, and what made the extravagances to me at any rate so monotonously uninteresting, as your persistent grasp on my life grew stronger and stronger, was that the money was really spent on little more than the pleasures of eating, drinking, and the like. Now and then it is a joy to have one’s table red with wine and roses, but you outstripped all taste and temperance[8d]. You demanded without grace and received without thanks[8e]. You grew to think that you had a sort of right to live at my expense and in a profuse luxury to which you had never been accustomed, and which for that reason made your appetites all the more keen, and at the end if you lost money gambling in some Algiers Casino you simply telegraphed next morning to me in London to lodge the amount of your losses to your account at your bank, and gave the matter no further thought of any kind.
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leehu 楼主 2014-06-07 21:47:44
我还怪自己让你给带到了经济上穷困潦倒、信誉扫地的穷途末路。我还记得1 8 9 2年1 0月初的一个上午，同你母亲一道坐在布莱克奈尔秋风渐黄的树林里。那时我对你真正的性格知道得很少，有一次在牛津同你从星期六呆到星期一，而你来过克莱默同我呆了十天打高尔夫球[8a]。我们的话题转到了你身上，你母亲开始跟我说起你的性格。她说了你的两大缺点：你虚荣，还有，用她的话说，“对钱财的看法大错特错”。我清楚记得当时我笑了，根本没想到第一点将让我进监狱，第二点将让我破产[8b]。我以为虚荣是一种给年轻人佩戴的雅致的花朵；至于说铺张浪费嘛——我以为她指的不过是铺张浪费——在我自己的性格中，在我自己的阶层里，并不见勤俭节约的美德。可是不等我们的交情再长一个月，我便开始明白你母亲指的到底是什么。你孜孜以求的是一种挥霍无度的生活[8c]，无休无止的要钱；说是你所有的寻欢作乐都得由我付账，不管我是否同你在一起。过些时候这就使我的经济陷入了严重的困难。你抓住我的生活不放，越抓越紧。总而言之，你的铺张挥霍对我来说是乏味透顶，因为钱说真的无非是花在口腹宴饮，以及诸如此类的行乐上。不时的让餐桌花红酒绿一下，可说是件赏心乐事，但你的无度却败坏了所有的品味和雅趣[8d]。你索取而无风度，接受而不道谢[8e]。你养成了一种心态，认为似乎有权让我供养，过着一种你从未习惯过的奢侈生活，而因为这一点，如此的奢侈又让你胃口更大。到后来要是在阿尔及尔的哪家赌场输了钱，第二天早上就干脆拍个电报到伦敦，要我把你输的钱如数存到你银行的户头上，事后便再也不见你提起。
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