英语笑话，有时间时慢慢读
1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
32、Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
41、Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
46、I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many!
53、The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
54、It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
60、My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
63、Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
76、I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
77、Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
78、You're never too old to learn something stupid.
79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
80、I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
85、Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
87、I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
88、I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
90、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
91、You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
92、Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
96、Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
32、Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
41、Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
46、I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many!
53、The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
54、It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
60、My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
63、Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
76、I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
77、Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
78、You're never too old to learn something stupid.
79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
80、I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
85、Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
87、I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
88、I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
90、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
91、You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
92、Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
96、Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
