the joke book
There’s a badminton competition at the local leisure centre and a young man, seeing a girl all on her own, decides to go and ask her if she would like to team up with him for a doubles match. Much to his astonishment she yells at the top of her voice, “How dare you. No I will not join you for a quickie in the back of your car!” The room falls silent and all eyes are turned to the young man who shuffles away totally embarrassed and humiliated. Ten minutes later the girl approaches him full of apologies and explains that she is experimenting with people’s reactions to different situations as part of her thesis on human behaviour. As she finishes talking he exclaims very loudly, “£200! You’ve got to be joking, I can get it much cheaper elsewhere.”
At the end of the human biology class, the lecturer conducted a quick question and answer session to check that everyone had been listening to his lesson. “You over there, the girl in red,” he said pointing, “which part of the body becomes 10 times its normal size under emotional stress?” Flushed with embarrassment, the girl refused to answer, so another student volunteered. “The pupil of the eye, Sir.” “Correct,” replied the lecturer and he turned to the girl, saying, “Young lady, your refusal to answer my question indicates three things. One, you haven’t been listening to my lecture, two, you are obsessed with sex, and three, you are going to be very disappointed.”
Now young Tom, born and brought up in the city, was given a chance to visit his cousin who lived on a farm in the country. It was all very strange to him, particularly when he went into the milking shed and saw all the cows attached to the milking machines and the milk pouring out into the buckets. As soon as he was left alone, he decided to attach the machine to his dick to see how it felt. Some time later, his cousin returned to find Tom writhing on the floor in great distress. “What the hell’s going on?” exclaimed his cousin. “Help me, please help me. I stuck my dick in your milking machine and I can’t get it out. This is the eighteenth time I’ve come!” “Well now, Tom,” said his cousin, “I don’t think I can turn the machine off either, but don’t fret. We’ll feed you and look after you. The good news is that it’s only set for a gallon and then it’ll automatically switch off.”
Bob Bright was a trainee manager in the town’s largest supermarket. He was doing well, although one day he almost met his match. A customer approached him and asked for half an apple. When he was told this was impossible, the customer insisted and was beginning to make quite a scene. Bob went off to check with his boss. “Mr Blake, sir, there’s some crazy prat out there who wants to buy half an apple.” As he finished speaking, he noticed the customer had followed him in, so he very quickly said, “And this customer would like to buy the other half.” “Then do it,” said the boss. A few weeks went by until one day Bob was called to the boss’s office.” Aah! there you are, Bob. I was so impressed with the way you handled that awkward situation the other day – such quick thinking – that I’ve secured you a manager’s position in one of our smaller outlets in New Greentown.” “What!” exclaimed the man. “But there’s nothing in New Greentown except for whores and body builders.” “Now listen, Bob, my wife comes from there!” Quick as a flash, Bob replied, “Really, Sir, body building’s fascinating, did your wife win any prizes?”
A young man moves into a new neighbourhood, alone and without any friends. He’s only been there a couple of days when there’s knock on the door. “Hi,” says the visitor. “I’m Colin, I live just down the hall from you and I thought I’d come and introduce myself.” “Thanks,” says the young man. “I’m Mike.” “Well Mike, would you like to come to a party over at my place on Saturday night? There’ll be plenty of booze, great music and lots of sex.” “Wow, that sounds good, what do you reckon I should wear?” says Mike. “Oh, come as you are, there’ll only be the two of us.”
Three dogs end up in the vet’s and start talking to each other. “Oh well,” sighs the first, “this is it, they’re going to put me down for worrying sheep.” “They’re putting me down as well,” says the second dog. “I bit the postman.” The two dogs turn to the third dog, a big Alsatian, and ask him why he is there. “Well, it happened a couple of days ago. My beautiful blonde owner got out of the bath, bent down to dry her feet and I couldn’t help myself. In a flash, I mounted her and went quite wild. “I see,” reply the other dogs, “so you’re being put down as well.” “Oh no, I’m here to have my nails cut.”
A man went along to a ‘spooks’ evening at the local Town Hall to hear guest speakers talk about their strange experiences. Sitting at the back, he couldn’t hear all that was being said and he began to doze off when suddenly one of the speakers asked loudly, “Now come on, don’t be shy, there must be someone here whose had a relationship with a ghost?” Without thinking, the man put his hand up and was asked to come down to the front. “Ladies and Gentlemen, this gentlemen here has kindly volunteered to tell us about his intimate relationship with a ghost. Please give him a warm hand.” But the man had come to a sudden halt. “Ghost!” he exclaimed. “I thought you said goats.”
The man sat at the bar looking morosely into his pint of beer. No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, a little voice inside his head kept on and on at him “How could you Bob, how could you sleep with one of your patients!” Time went by, and a few more pints disappeared down his throat until he began to feel a little better – even the voice inside his head began to mellow. “OK Bob, I suppose you’re not the first person to sleep with one of their patients and no matter what they say, you’re still the best vet in the district.”
A female lecturer is telling a group of students how to teach maths to small children. “It’s always a good idea for them to visualise the question. For instance, if I said there were three cats on a wall and one was shot dead – how many were left? – the children would answer 2. They would be able to see the cats in their mind’s eye.” At that point she was interrupted by one of the students. “Excuse me, but I would have answered none to that question.” The lecturer looked puzzled, repeated the problem but again the student shook his head. “My answer would be none,” he said. “If one of the cats had been shot then the other two would have been out of there in a flash.” She replied, “Well, in theory that wouldn’t be correct, however I like the way you think.” The student continued, “May I ask you a question now? If there were three women walking down the street, one licking an ice lolly, one biting an ice lolly and one sucking an ice lolly – which one would you think was married?” The teacher blushed profusely and stuttered a reply. “Well … er … the one sucking the ice lolly.” “No,” replied the student, smiling, “it would be the one wearing a wedding ring … still, I like the way you think!”
The starry-eyed young man was boring his friend to death by continually going on about his beautiful young fiancée. Eventually, the friend could take it no more and blurted out, “I can’t believe you really want to marry her, you must know she’s been fucked by every man in town.” The young man thought hard for a moment or two and then replied defensively, “Okay, but this isn’t really such a big town.”
Jack was sitting at the bar looking dejectedly into his pint of beer. “Heh, Jack, what’s up?” asked the barman. “Everything,” he replied. “I got so drunk last night, I can’t remember what I did, but when I woke up to find myself in bed with a woman, I naturally gave her £50.” The barman laughed. “Don’t worry, mate, it happens to all of us. You’ll just have to accept that you spent the money and can’t remember what it was like.” “No, no, you’ve got me wrong,” replied Jack, “the fact is that the woman in bed with me was my wife and she automatically gave me £10 change.”
It was seven days into their honeymoon and the young bride staggered downstairs to breakfast looking knackered. “My goodness,” said the waitress. “You don’t look so good, but aren’t you the bride with the older husband?” “Yes I am, he’s 75, but I’ve discovered he’s pulled a dreadful trick on me. When he told me he had saved up for 50 years, I thought he was talking about money.”
As time went on the men started to get boastful and Geoff claimed he could make love to his wife more times than John. Fired up with booze, John accepted the challenge and they agreed to meet the following morning with the results. “Last night, I made love to my wife 3 times” said Geoff at breakfast time. “What about you?” John replied, “34 times.” “What!!” exclaimed Geoff. “OK, double or nothing, let’s see what happens tonight.” The next day Geoff arrived in the dining room looking knackered. “7 times,” he said to John. John laughed. “You lose again, 48 times for me.” “Well that’s unbelievable, how do you manage it?” “Listen, I’ll show you. Put your hips back, then push forward quickly. That’s one. Now, pull your hips back again and push forward quickly. That’s two…”
Two men were sitting in a bar talking. “John, I’ve got a big favour to ask you. I’ve got to go away for a few days to the firm’s headquarters in Leeds and my wife will be here on her own. Although I try not to, I can’t help being suspicious that something is going on. Would you mind just keeping an eye on her while I’m gone?” His friend agrees and it’s more than two weeks later that they meet up again, on his return. “Anything to report, John?” asks the suspicious husband. John replies hesitantly, “Well, I watched your wife every evening and on the third night, a man arrived in a sports car. They sat and had cocktails on your patio, then went skinny dipping in the pool before going inside and upstairs. They kissed passionately and he laid her down on the bed but then he closed the curtains so I didn’t see any more.” “You see,” says the husband sadly. “There’s still no proof, only suspicions.”
“Doctor, doctor, please help me, I can’t stop farting. The only good thing is, they don’t smell.” “Okay,” said the doctor, opening the window,” it will mean a small operation.” “What! Will it be painful?” “No, no, just an operation on your nose. Once we’ve cured that, we’ll see to the other problem.”
A businessman books into a country hotel, asks for breakfast at 8.30 and requests a girl to come to his room after dinner that night. “That’s outrageous!” says the wife. “What sort of hotel does he think we are running? Go and tell him, Fred.” But her husband thinks it’s a lot of fuss about nothing and tells her so. “Okay, if you won’t go, then I will”, and she disappears up to his room. Some time later, the man appears in the bar for a nightcap and seeing the husband, he comments, “My goodness, that was quite a woman you sent up. I like the hard-to-get type, it’s more fun, particularly in the end when they surrender.”
Three blokes landed up at their ski resort a day early and discovered their rooms would not be ready until the following day. The only accommodation available that night was one room with a large king sized bed. The three men decided they could put up with sharing a bed for one night so they booked in. The next morning the man on the far left said, “I had such a strange night, I dreamt I was wanking like mad all night, yet it seemed to be happening without me using my hands.” “Bloody hell,” said the man on the far right, I had exactly the same dream, that’s really weird. How about you, Johnny? Did you also have that dream?” “No, mate,” replied Johnny, “I just dreamt I was skiing all night!”
“Daddy, daddy,” cried little Tom, “please come and look, my pussy cat is lying in the garden with his feet in the air and he won’t move.” Assuming the worst, dad went into the garden to take a look. “I’m sorry, son, I’m afraid Tiddles is dead.” Through his sobs, the little boy asked why the cat’s feet were sticking up in the air. Quick as a flash, dad replied, “That’s so Jesus can grab hold of them and take him up to heaven.” A few days later, dad came home from work to find Tom crying in the garden. “What’s happened, Tom?” he asked. “It’s mummy, she nearly died today, like my poor pussy cat!” “How can that be?” asked dad aghast. “I went into the summer house a little while back and mummy was there with her feet in the air shouting ‘I’m coming, I’m coming!’ Oh daddy, if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down, she would have been taken up to heaven by Jesus.”
A man went to the doctor’s complaining that his wife had such a vigorous sex drive that she was wearing him out. The doctor suggested he bring his wife into the surgery for an examination, so they both turned up the following week. The wife was told to go into the other room and strip off, but when the doctor went in, he was overcome by her beautiful body and the way she started to tempt him over. “It’s no good, I can’t help myself,” gasped the doctor and he stripped off frantically and jumped on top of her. After some time, the groans of pleasure attracted the husband’s attention so he opened the door to see what was going on. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” bellowed the husband. “I’m, er…, taking her temperature,” replied the flustered doctor. Taking a gun out of his pocket, the man said, “When you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it then.”
A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm. “What happened to you?” asked the doctor. “It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.” “Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?” “Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking, I jumped out of the window.”
Two men were chatting over the garden wall. The first said, “You’ll never guess what happened this morning, Tom. My wife was suffering from a hangover, so I went downstairs to make her a cup of tea. Because it was cold, I grabbed the first thing I saw to put on which turned out to be her dressing gown. I was just bending over the fridge to get the milk, when the window cleaner walked in, put his hand up me and grabbed my bum. You can imagine the embarrassment when he realised who I was, it was just an astonishing coincidence that his wife had a dressing gown exactly the same.”
After a thorough examination the doctor told him that he must have been so sexually active in the past that he’d almost worn it out. The fact is that he’d only got the use of it for another 25 shags. The young man went home to his wife and told her what the doctor had said. “Oh no!” she cried, “We mustn’t waste any of them, we’ll have to draw up a carefully planned timetable.” “I’ve already done that,” he said, “on the way home, and there isn’t a slot left for you.”
The social worker was doing the rounds at the local residential home and she stopped to talk to Bob who was 92. After she’d helped him to cut up his food, she noticed a bowl of nuts on a small table next to him. “I was given them as a present,” he said, “but I don’t want them, You’re very welcome to have them.” Now the social worker was very fond of nuts so she nibbled away on them as she continued to chat to old Bob. As she was about to go she commented, “Thanks for the nuts, it’s an odd present to give to someone with no teeth.” “Oh no,” he replied. “When I was given them, they had chocolate on.”
Three men were moaning about the problems that old age brings. “Look at me,” said the 70-year-old. “Every morning I’m woken by a strong urge to have a pee but when I get up and go to the bathroom I have to stand there ages before anything happens.” “I wish I had your problems,” said the 80-year-old. “Every morning I go for a shit but I’m so constipated I end up being there for over 2 hours.” “Well, you’re both bloody lucky,” said the 90-year-old. “Every morning at 7 o’clock, I have a good piss and shit like an elephant. The problem is…I don’t wake up until 8.30.”
A man who lived at a nudist colony received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a more up-to-date photo of himself. Unfortunately, he only had one picture, but it was of him in the nude, so he cut the photo in half and sent her the top half. Some time later, mum wrote again asking him if he would send a photo of himself to his ageing grandmother. Now he only had the bottom half left but because she had such poor eyesight, he took a chance that she would be none the wiser. Some time later, he got a letter back from his grandmother and in it she said, “Thanks for the picture. Maybe you should change your hairstyle a bit, though, it makes your nose look long.”
Two men lived next door to each other for over 20 years but they couldn’t have been more different. Sam was a model citizen, church every Sunday, a parish counsellor and a charity worker. Geoff was a drinker, gambler and a man for the ladies. Eventually Geoff died, he was quite young but the riotous life did him no favours. Then 15 years later, Sam passed away and arrived in heaven where he was astonished to see his ex-next-door neighbour lounging on a cloud, a huge barrel of beer next to him and a naked lady sitting on his lap. “Why, that’s outrageous!” exclaimed Sam. ‘I strive to be a good citizen on earth so that I might enjoy the fruits of heaven and when I get here I see Geoff. He should have been in hell.” “Oh he’s in hell alright,” said the angel, “That beer barrel’s got a hole in it…and the woman hasn’t.”
At the end of the human biology class, the lecturer conducted a quick question and answer session to check that everyone had been listening to his lesson. “You over there, the girl in red,” he said pointing, “which part of the body becomes 10 times its normal size under emotional stress?” Flushed with embarrassment, the girl refused to answer, so another student volunteered. “The pupil of the eye, Sir.” “Correct,” replied the lecturer and he turned to the girl, saying, “Young lady, your refusal to answer my question indicates three things. One, you haven’t been listening to my lecture, two, you are obsessed with sex, and three, you are going to be very disappointed.”
Now young Tom, born and brought up in the city, was given a chance to visit his cousin who lived on a farm in the country. It was all very strange to him, particularly when he went into the milking shed and saw all the cows attached to the milking machines and the milk pouring out into the buckets. As soon as he was left alone, he decided to attach the machine to his dick to see how it felt. Some time later, his cousin returned to find Tom writhing on the floor in great distress. “What the hell’s going on?” exclaimed his cousin. “Help me, please help me. I stuck my dick in your milking machine and I can’t get it out. This is the eighteenth time I’ve come!” “Well now, Tom,” said his cousin, “I don’t think I can turn the machine off either, but don’t fret. We’ll feed you and look after you. The good news is that it’s only set for a gallon and then it’ll automatically switch off.”
Bob Bright was a trainee manager in the town’s largest supermarket. He was doing well, although one day he almost met his match. A customer approached him and asked for half an apple. When he was told this was impossible, the customer insisted and was beginning to make quite a scene. Bob went off to check with his boss. “Mr Blake, sir, there’s some crazy prat out there who wants to buy half an apple.” As he finished speaking, he noticed the customer had followed him in, so he very quickly said, “And this customer would like to buy the other half.” “Then do it,” said the boss. A few weeks went by until one day Bob was called to the boss’s office.” Aah! there you are, Bob. I was so impressed with the way you handled that awkward situation the other day – such quick thinking – that I’ve secured you a manager’s position in one of our smaller outlets in New Greentown.” “What!” exclaimed the man. “But there’s nothing in New Greentown except for whores and body builders.” “Now listen, Bob, my wife comes from there!” Quick as a flash, Bob replied, “Really, Sir, body building’s fascinating, did your wife win any prizes?”
A young man moves into a new neighbourhood, alone and without any friends. He’s only been there a couple of days when there’s knock on the door. “Hi,” says the visitor. “I’m Colin, I live just down the hall from you and I thought I’d come and introduce myself.” “Thanks,” says the young man. “I’m Mike.” “Well Mike, would you like to come to a party over at my place on Saturday night? There’ll be plenty of booze, great music and lots of sex.” “Wow, that sounds good, what do you reckon I should wear?” says Mike. “Oh, come as you are, there’ll only be the two of us.”
Three dogs end up in the vet’s and start talking to each other. “Oh well,” sighs the first, “this is it, they’re going to put me down for worrying sheep.” “They’re putting me down as well,” says the second dog. “I bit the postman.” The two dogs turn to the third dog, a big Alsatian, and ask him why he is there. “Well, it happened a couple of days ago. My beautiful blonde owner got out of the bath, bent down to dry her feet and I couldn’t help myself. In a flash, I mounted her and went quite wild. “I see,” reply the other dogs, “so you’re being put down as well.” “Oh no, I’m here to have my nails cut.”
A man went along to a ‘spooks’ evening at the local Town Hall to hear guest speakers talk about their strange experiences. Sitting at the back, he couldn’t hear all that was being said and he began to doze off when suddenly one of the speakers asked loudly, “Now come on, don’t be shy, there must be someone here whose had a relationship with a ghost?” Without thinking, the man put his hand up and was asked to come down to the front. “Ladies and Gentlemen, this gentlemen here has kindly volunteered to tell us about his intimate relationship with a ghost. Please give him a warm hand.” But the man had come to a sudden halt. “Ghost!” he exclaimed. “I thought you said goats.”
The man sat at the bar looking morosely into his pint of beer. No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, a little voice inside his head kept on and on at him “How could you Bob, how could you sleep with one of your patients!” Time went by, and a few more pints disappeared down his throat until he began to feel a little better – even the voice inside his head began to mellow. “OK Bob, I suppose you’re not the first person to sleep with one of their patients and no matter what they say, you’re still the best vet in the district.”
A female lecturer is telling a group of students how to teach maths to small children. “It’s always a good idea for them to visualise the question. For instance, if I said there were three cats on a wall and one was shot dead – how many were left? – the children would answer 2. They would be able to see the cats in their mind’s eye.” At that point she was interrupted by one of the students. “Excuse me, but I would have answered none to that question.” The lecturer looked puzzled, repeated the problem but again the student shook his head. “My answer would be none,” he said. “If one of the cats had been shot then the other two would have been out of there in a flash.” She replied, “Well, in theory that wouldn’t be correct, however I like the way you think.” The student continued, “May I ask you a question now? If there were three women walking down the street, one licking an ice lolly, one biting an ice lolly and one sucking an ice lolly – which one would you think was married?” The teacher blushed profusely and stuttered a reply. “Well … er … the one sucking the ice lolly.” “No,” replied the student, smiling, “it would be the one wearing a wedding ring … still, I like the way you think!”
The starry-eyed young man was boring his friend to death by continually going on about his beautiful young fiancée. Eventually, the friend could take it no more and blurted out, “I can’t believe you really want to marry her, you must know she’s been fucked by every man in town.” The young man thought hard for a moment or two and then replied defensively, “Okay, but this isn’t really such a big town.”
Jack was sitting at the bar looking dejectedly into his pint of beer. “Heh, Jack, what’s up?” asked the barman. “Everything,” he replied. “I got so drunk last night, I can’t remember what I did, but when I woke up to find myself in bed with a woman, I naturally gave her £50.” The barman laughed. “Don’t worry, mate, it happens to all of us. You’ll just have to accept that you spent the money and can’t remember what it was like.” “No, no, you’ve got me wrong,” replied Jack, “the fact is that the woman in bed with me was my wife and she automatically gave me £10 change.”
It was seven days into their honeymoon and the young bride staggered downstairs to breakfast looking knackered. “My goodness,” said the waitress. “You don’t look so good, but aren’t you the bride with the older husband?” “Yes I am, he’s 75, but I’ve discovered he’s pulled a dreadful trick on me. When he told me he had saved up for 50 years, I thought he was talking about money.”
As time went on the men started to get boastful and Geoff claimed he could make love to his wife more times than John. Fired up with booze, John accepted the challenge and they agreed to meet the following morning with the results. “Last night, I made love to my wife 3 times” said Geoff at breakfast time. “What about you?” John replied, “34 times.” “What!!” exclaimed Geoff. “OK, double or nothing, let’s see what happens tonight.” The next day Geoff arrived in the dining room looking knackered. “7 times,” he said to John. John laughed. “You lose again, 48 times for me.” “Well that’s unbelievable, how do you manage it?” “Listen, I’ll show you. Put your hips back, then push forward quickly. That’s one. Now, pull your hips back again and push forward quickly. That’s two…”
Two men were sitting in a bar talking. “John, I’ve got a big favour to ask you. I’ve got to go away for a few days to the firm’s headquarters in Leeds and my wife will be here on her own. Although I try not to, I can’t help being suspicious that something is going on. Would you mind just keeping an eye on her while I’m gone?” His friend agrees and it’s more than two weeks later that they meet up again, on his return. “Anything to report, John?” asks the suspicious husband. John replies hesitantly, “Well, I watched your wife every evening and on the third night, a man arrived in a sports car. They sat and had cocktails on your patio, then went skinny dipping in the pool before going inside and upstairs. They kissed passionately and he laid her down on the bed but then he closed the curtains so I didn’t see any more.” “You see,” says the husband sadly. “There’s still no proof, only suspicions.”
“Doctor, doctor, please help me, I can’t stop farting. The only good thing is, they don’t smell.” “Okay,” said the doctor, opening the window,” it will mean a small operation.” “What! Will it be painful?” “No, no, just an operation on your nose. Once we’ve cured that, we’ll see to the other problem.”
A businessman books into a country hotel, asks for breakfast at 8.30 and requests a girl to come to his room after dinner that night. “That’s outrageous!” says the wife. “What sort of hotel does he think we are running? Go and tell him, Fred.” But her husband thinks it’s a lot of fuss about nothing and tells her so. “Okay, if you won’t go, then I will”, and she disappears up to his room. Some time later, the man appears in the bar for a nightcap and seeing the husband, he comments, “My goodness, that was quite a woman you sent up. I like the hard-to-get type, it’s more fun, particularly in the end when they surrender.”
Three blokes landed up at their ski resort a day early and discovered their rooms would not be ready until the following day. The only accommodation available that night was one room with a large king sized bed. The three men decided they could put up with sharing a bed for one night so they booked in. The next morning the man on the far left said, “I had such a strange night, I dreamt I was wanking like mad all night, yet it seemed to be happening without me using my hands.” “Bloody hell,” said the man on the far right, I had exactly the same dream, that’s really weird. How about you, Johnny? Did you also have that dream?” “No, mate,” replied Johnny, “I just dreamt I was skiing all night!”
“Daddy, daddy,” cried little Tom, “please come and look, my pussy cat is lying in the garden with his feet in the air and he won’t move.” Assuming the worst, dad went into the garden to take a look. “I’m sorry, son, I’m afraid Tiddles is dead.” Through his sobs, the little boy asked why the cat’s feet were sticking up in the air. Quick as a flash, dad replied, “That’s so Jesus can grab hold of them and take him up to heaven.” A few days later, dad came home from work to find Tom crying in the garden. “What’s happened, Tom?” he asked. “It’s mummy, she nearly died today, like my poor pussy cat!” “How can that be?” asked dad aghast. “I went into the summer house a little while back and mummy was there with her feet in the air shouting ‘I’m coming, I’m coming!’ Oh daddy, if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down, she would have been taken up to heaven by Jesus.”
A man went to the doctor’s complaining that his wife had such a vigorous sex drive that she was wearing him out. The doctor suggested he bring his wife into the surgery for an examination, so they both turned up the following week. The wife was told to go into the other room and strip off, but when the doctor went in, he was overcome by her beautiful body and the way she started to tempt him over. “It’s no good, I can’t help myself,” gasped the doctor and he stripped off frantically and jumped on top of her. After some time, the groans of pleasure attracted the husband’s attention so he opened the door to see what was going on. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” bellowed the husband. “I’m, er…, taking her temperature,” replied the flustered doctor. Taking a gun out of his pocket, the man said, “When you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it then.”
A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm. “What happened to you?” asked the doctor. “It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.” “Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?” “Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking, I jumped out of the window.”
Two men were chatting over the garden wall. The first said, “You’ll never guess what happened this morning, Tom. My wife was suffering from a hangover, so I went downstairs to make her a cup of tea. Because it was cold, I grabbed the first thing I saw to put on which turned out to be her dressing gown. I was just bending over the fridge to get the milk, when the window cleaner walked in, put his hand up me and grabbed my bum. You can imagine the embarrassment when he realised who I was, it was just an astonishing coincidence that his wife had a dressing gown exactly the same.”
After a thorough examination the doctor told him that he must have been so sexually active in the past that he’d almost worn it out. The fact is that he’d only got the use of it for another 25 shags. The young man went home to his wife and told her what the doctor had said. “Oh no!” she cried, “We mustn’t waste any of them, we’ll have to draw up a carefully planned timetable.” “I’ve already done that,” he said, “on the way home, and there isn’t a slot left for you.”
The social worker was doing the rounds at the local residential home and she stopped to talk to Bob who was 92. After she’d helped him to cut up his food, she noticed a bowl of nuts on a small table next to him. “I was given them as a present,” he said, “but I don’t want them, You’re very welcome to have them.” Now the social worker was very fond of nuts so she nibbled away on them as she continued to chat to old Bob. As she was about to go she commented, “Thanks for the nuts, it’s an odd present to give to someone with no teeth.” “Oh no,” he replied. “When I was given them, they had chocolate on.”
Three men were moaning about the problems that old age brings. “Look at me,” said the 70-year-old. “Every morning I’m woken by a strong urge to have a pee but when I get up and go to the bathroom I have to stand there ages before anything happens.” “I wish I had your problems,” said the 80-year-old. “Every morning I go for a shit but I’m so constipated I end up being there for over 2 hours.” “Well, you’re both bloody lucky,” said the 90-year-old. “Every morning at 7 o’clock, I have a good piss and shit like an elephant. The problem is…I don’t wake up until 8.30.”
A man who lived at a nudist colony received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a more up-to-date photo of himself. Unfortunately, he only had one picture, but it was of him in the nude, so he cut the photo in half and sent her the top half. Some time later, mum wrote again asking him if he would send a photo of himself to his ageing grandmother. Now he only had the bottom half left but because she had such poor eyesight, he took a chance that she would be none the wiser. Some time later, he got a letter back from his grandmother and in it she said, “Thanks for the picture. Maybe you should change your hairstyle a bit, though, it makes your nose look long.”
Two men lived next door to each other for over 20 years but they couldn’t have been more different. Sam was a model citizen, church every Sunday, a parish counsellor and a charity worker. Geoff was a drinker, gambler and a man for the ladies. Eventually Geoff died, he was quite young but the riotous life did him no favours. Then 15 years later, Sam passed away and arrived in heaven where he was astonished to see his ex-next-door neighbour lounging on a cloud, a huge barrel of beer next to him and a naked lady sitting on his lap. “Why, that’s outrageous!” exclaimed Sam. ‘I strive to be a good citizen on earth so that I might enjoy the fruits of heaven and when I get here I see Geoff. He should have been in hell.” “Oh he’s in hell alright,” said the angel, “That beer barrel’s got a hole in it…and the woman hasn’t.”
