解
我还是时常梦见他，总是在同一个梦里。
前几次我没能登上末日前的大船，昨晚终于登上，却是另外一场死亡之旅。死前每人手里有21点，做一件事情会用去一点点数，直到死期。别人都小心翼翼计算着，我却想也没想都用到了见B这件事情上。
我见到他，双手捧起他的脸，泪珠不停地掉。同样地情景，不同的梦里做过N多次。恍然之间想起自己一定是在做梦，他的脸也模糊了，最终消失不见。可是他的声音和气味还在。
“如果那年我说我爱你，你果敢一点回了我也是，我们今天或许真的会不一样。”有时这个念头还是跳出来，想起他心里还是酸楚，这都快到第四个年头了。有些人说不清哪里好，就是让人念念不忘。
我也了解，今后的北京都不会再是从前的北京了。你不在了，M也不在，整个城市会显得熙攘而又空荡，我能去哪儿呢？
你说希望我还是你的麒麟，你还是我的Laohu，可是真的都会不一样了，你太不成熟，不了解时间的力量。
最后一封信……
Annie,
I probably shouldn't be writing this, I even told myself I wouldn't, but fuck it, here it goes anyway:
I almost did the stupid thing I said I would tonight. I was there, I had a note ready, and all I had to do was wait...but I couldn't do it. I got terrified...not for myself (ok, I was scared too...), but for those that I care for most. My family, my friends, and of course you. I know you wouldn't actually kill yourself if I did (I told you you're a bad liar), but part of me knows you'd still blame yourself and be incredibly hurt. It would be a selfish act and I don't want to burden any of the people I love.
So as I watched the train go by, I lost it. Ten years of keeping back sadness, regret, pity, etc. came flooding out. Thank god nobody was around, I probably looked like a 3 year old girl who just lost her favorite toy...but it was liberating and I felt good for the first time since I saw you in Beijing. Relaxed, almost.
I also realized something. Just because we aren't together anymore doesn't mean that what we had is any less special or that our time together was wasted. It doesn't mean that the care we have for each other has disappeared. Things just change I suppose.
I re-watched that "Her" movie that we saw in Beijing, and there was a quote in it that stuck with me and perfectly expresses what I want to say to you:
"Dear Catherine,
I'm sitting here thinking about all of the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I'm sorry for that. I'll always love you because we grew together, and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know that there'll be a piece of you in me always, and I'm grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you love. You're my friend till the end.
Love,
Theodore"
I'm still really struggling and not quite sure what to do with myself, but I think that quote says it all. No matter what happens, and no matter what has happened, you'll always be my Qilin and I hope I can still be your Laohu.
Best of luck with everything.
－Brandon
前几次我没能登上末日前的大船，昨晚终于登上，却是另外一场死亡之旅。死前每人手里有21点，做一件事情会用去一点点数，直到死期。别人都小心翼翼计算着，我却想也没想都用到了见B这件事情上。
我见到他，双手捧起他的脸，泪珠不停地掉。同样地情景，不同的梦里做过N多次。恍然之间想起自己一定是在做梦，他的脸也模糊了，最终消失不见。可是他的声音和气味还在。
“如果那年我说我爱你，你果敢一点回了我也是，我们今天或许真的会不一样。”有时这个念头还是跳出来，想起他心里还是酸楚，这都快到第四个年头了。有些人说不清哪里好，就是让人念念不忘。
我也了解，今后的北京都不会再是从前的北京了。你不在了，M也不在，整个城市会显得熙攘而又空荡，我能去哪儿呢？
你说希望我还是你的麒麟，你还是我的Laohu，可是真的都会不一样了，你太不成熟，不了解时间的力量。
最后一封信……
Annie,
I probably shouldn't be writing this, I even told myself I wouldn't, but fuck it, here it goes anyway:
I almost did the stupid thing I said I would tonight. I was there, I had a note ready, and all I had to do was wait...but I couldn't do it. I got terrified...not for myself (ok, I was scared too...), but for those that I care for most. My family, my friends, and of course you. I know you wouldn't actually kill yourself if I did (I told you you're a bad liar), but part of me knows you'd still blame yourself and be incredibly hurt. It would be a selfish act and I don't want to burden any of the people I love.
So as I watched the train go by, I lost it. Ten years of keeping back sadness, regret, pity, etc. came flooding out. Thank god nobody was around, I probably looked like a 3 year old girl who just lost her favorite toy...but it was liberating and I felt good for the first time since I saw you in Beijing. Relaxed, almost.
I also realized something. Just because we aren't together anymore doesn't mean that what we had is any less special or that our time together was wasted. It doesn't mean that the care we have for each other has disappeared. Things just change I suppose.
I re-watched that "Her" movie that we saw in Beijing, and there was a quote in it that stuck with me and perfectly expresses what I want to say to you:
"Dear Catherine,
I'm sitting here thinking about all of the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I'm sorry for that. I'll always love you because we grew together, and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know that there'll be a piece of you in me always, and I'm grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you love. You're my friend till the end.
Love,
Theodore"
I'm still really struggling and not quite sure what to do with myself, but I think that quote says it all. No matter what happens, and no matter what has happened, you'll always be my Qilin and I hope I can still be your Laohu.
Best of luck with everything.
－Brandon
