翻译心理学文章一篇：你的性爱够多吗?
你的性爱够多吗? | Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S
http://article.yeeyan.org/view/lehuanxi/448723
作为一个专治性行为障碍和亲密关系障碍的心理治疗师，我可以告诉你，很多个人和夫妇对他们目前拥有的性爱数量（或没有性爱）感到烦恼。
他们问我：“要有多少性爱才健康？”以及“为了获得健康和快乐，我/我们应该拥有多少性爱？”
除了性强迫者，大部分人提出这些问题，是在担心个人和夫妇的性爱不够多。但不管他们担心性爱太多还是不够多，这些提问的人，对于他们视为可能不健康的性生活，典型的感到了很大的压力和焦虑。
什么是健康？
亲爱的读者，这有点像一个既定观点问题。如果你在谷歌中搜索这个问题，你得到的答案数量是让人吃惊的。一些最为系统的答案包含了综合社会调查所提供的数据，该调查从1970年代早期开始追踪美国人的性行为（因此这些答案也可能是最准确的）。综合社会调查指出，已婚夫妇每年拥有接近58次性爱。但是这个数量没有考虑夫妇的年龄和婚姻时间。换句话说，这项统计没有区分二十多岁的人和年长的人，也没有区分刚结婚的人和结婚半个世纪的人。综合社会调查提供的其它信息指出，二十多岁的夫妻平均每年拥有111次性爱，每年长十岁性爱频率下降接近20%。
你是不是正在板着手指计算年龄和百分比呢？我就正在这么做。毕竟我也是人，尽管我拥有多年的临床治疗经验，对于性爱频率这个问题我也是耿耿于怀的。
对于那些寻找“正常标准”的准确答案的人而言，很不幸的是，即使上述由综合社会调查所提供的数据也是具有误导性的，在2015年1月《纽约时报》的一篇文章里，Seth Stephens-Davidowitz探讨了这个问题。他写道：
我分析了综合社会调查的一个经典研究的数据。18岁及以上的异性恋男性报告他们平均每年有63次性爱，其中23%使用了安全套。加起来每年使用了16亿个异性恋安全套。异性恋女性报告她们平均每年有55次性爱，其中16%使用了安全套。加起来每年使用了11亿个异性恋安全套。谁说的是实话呢，男性还是女性？都不是。根据尼尔森市场调研公司的数据，每年销售的安全套少于6亿个。
所以：显然，当被问到关于性爱的问题时，人们倾向于说谎，即使由综合社会调查雇佣的匿名科学研究人员进行提问，也是如此。谁会猜到这种情况呢？
我想要说的是，“平均性爱次数”这个数据，可能是很不准确的，且很可能比实际数量高很多，即使这个数据是由综合社会调查提供的。换句话说，大多数人实际拥有的性爱，少于他们希望别人认为他们所拥有的。
那么，再回到这个问题，怎样才是正常的？也许最新的精神异常诊断和统计手册（通常被称作DSM-5）——美国精神治疗协会将它誉为“诊断圣经”——可以为我们解答这个问题？
DSM-5列出了两种与性行为缺乏和/或性兴趣缺乏相关的障碍，每个性别各一种。女人有女性性兴趣/性唤起障碍；男人有男性性欲衰退障碍。有趣的是，诊断这两种障碍的标准是非常相似的（那为什么要分为两种障碍？）。本质上说，不管是男性还是女性，如果且每当出现以下性行为/性兴趣缺乏的情况时，将被认为是病态的：
• 缺乏性兴趣持续六个月或以上。
• 缺乏性兴趣给个人带来明显的苦恼——压力，焦虑，抑郁，担忧，等等。
• 缺乏性兴趣不是由外部因素引起的，例如药物滥用、药物副作用、身体状况或严重的人际关系创伤（比如发生了家庭暴力）。
我们注意到，即使DSM-5也没有给出一个确切的导致一个人性冷淡的性爱次数。所以若想了解人们应当（或不应当）拥有多少性爱，DSM-5并不管用。它也不应当给出答案，因为性爱频率是一种个人偏好。一个人可能每周有两到三次性爱还觉得不够多，而另一个人可能偶尔有一次性爱就已觉得太多了。
不管这其中有多大差别，没有哪个人应当被认为是病态的。
我在这想要指出的是，不管哪种情况——拥有很多性爱或很少性爱——都不需要恐慌。是的，可能你拥有的性爱比你认为正常的性爱要多得多（不管这个正常是多少），但你并非性欲过度，同样如果拥有很少性爱（或根本没有性爱），你也并非临床上需要心理治疗的性欲衰退。当然，如果任何一种极端情况导致你出现明显的苦恼，并且如果了解这些关于性爱频率（这个频率并不一定很高）的事实无法帮助你减轻苦恼，那么你可能想要寻求专业帮助。另一方面，如果仅仅认识到你比你所认为的更加正常，就能够减轻你的压力和焦虑，那么你就应当这样去做。
科学才刚开始探索的一个首要因素，就是身体上的性唤起和实际上的性欲之间的差别。直到最近人们还认为，如果男性和/或女性经历了性唤起，他们同样想要并且很可能进行了性交。现在我们发现这不是事实，尤其是对于女性，通常来说，女性不仅需要感受到身体上的唤起，还需要有一种情感联结，才会完全对性有欲望。换句话说，只有身体上的唤起并不总是足够的。
并且事实上，不只有女性才需要一种情感联结以便完全对性有欲望。有一些男性也需要。有趣的是，这种认识在最近引发了一种新的性别类型定义。现在，人们不仅被标识为异性恋、男同性恋、女同性恋或双性恋；我们还有像失性恋和灰色-无性恋这样的不断变化的标识。（如果你想知道，失性恋者会告诉你他们只有很少的时候有性欲，并且这只发生在亲密关系中。而灰色-无性恋者则在无性和一种更为正常的性兴趣水平之间摆动——无论他们认为的正常是怎么样的）。不管使用什么术语，越来越多的人自由的同意了性行为中无性或只有很少的性兴趣也是完全没有问题的。换句话说，他们理解并同意，只有当性缺乏给一个人和/或他或她的亲密伴侣带来了明显的苦恼时，才成为问题。
那么你处在这个性谱系中的哪个位置呢？并且答案真的重要吗？
一个简单的事实就是，对于人们喜欢什么人、喜欢多频繁的做爱、以及喜欢和谁一起做爱（如果可以和任何人做），人类的性别导致了很大的不同。进一步说，这些欲望——尤其是它们和性爱频率有关——能够明显的被所有类型的内部和外部因素所影响：年龄、身体健康、心理幸福感、情感亲密性、药物治疗、药物滥用、悲伤、工作和/或经济压力、激素不平衡，等等。明白了这点，就很容易理解，对于你应当拥有多少性爱这个问题，并没有一个标准答案。
如果你对于目前拥有的性爱数量感到满意，那么你已经拥有了适当的性爱数量。即使你拥有的性爱数量是“非常少”或“根本没有”。
就像人们可以是异性恋、同性恋或双性恋，人们也可以是性欲过度、无性欲、失性恋、灰色-无性恋或其它任何类型。并且这其中没有哪一种一定是错误的。只要你的性活动（或缺乏性活动）没有引起你的压力和焦虑，没有减少你的自尊，没有伤害其他人，没有违反法律，没有给你的关系带来问题（如果你在一种关系中），也没有给生活带来负面的后果，你就无需担忧。
你同样也应理解，如果你依然对自己缺乏性活动感到担忧，很多情况下性欲减退是一个医学问题，可以使用多种药物和/或润滑液进行治疗。而且如果这不是一个先天的身体问题，有很多治疗师专门帮助来访者治愈性问题。（美国性教育辅导治疗协会有非常好的治疗资源可以向你推荐。）
Are You Having Enough Sex? | Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S
As a psychotherapist specializing in sexual and intimacy disorders , I can tell you that for a lot of individuals and couples the amount of sex they’re having (or not having) can be worrisome.
They ask me: “How much sex is healthy?” and, "How much sex should I/we be having in order to be healthy and happy?”
Most of the time the expressed concern, except in cases of sexual compulsivity, is that the individual or couple is not being sexual often enough. But whatever the fear, too much or not enough, the individuals who pose questions typically feel a considerable amount of stress and anxiety about what they view as a potentially unhealthy sexual life.
What Is Healthy?
That, dear readers, is a bit of a loaded question. If you Google this request, you’ll get an astounding array of answers. Some of the most methodically obtained data (and therefore the most likely to be accurate) is provided by the General Social Survey, which has tracked American sexual behaviors since the early 1970s. The GSS suggests that married couples have sex approximately 58 times per year. But this number does not consider the age of the couple or how long they’ve been together. In other words, this statistic doesn’t differentiate between people in their 20s and senior citizens, or people who just got married and those who’ve been together for half a century. Other information provided by the GSS more helpfully suggests that couples in their 20s have sex an average of 111 times per year, and that the frequency of sex drops approximately 20 percent per decade as couples get older.
Are you counting decades and percentages on your fingers right now? I sure am. After all, I’m human and this issue, despite my years of clinical experience, nags at me too.
Unfortunately for those seeking accurate answers about “normality”, even the data above provided by the GSS may be misleading, as discussed in a January 2015 New York Times article by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz. He writes:
I analyzed data from the General Social Survey, a classic research site. Heterosexual men 18 and over say that they average 63 sex acts per year, using a condom in 23 percent of them. This adds up to more than 1.6 billion heterosexual condom uses per year. Heterosexual women say they average 55 sex acts per year, using a condom in 16 percent of them. This adds up to about 1.1 billion heterosexual condom uses per year. Who is telling the truth, men or women? Neither. According to Nielsen, fewer than 600 million condoms are sold every year.
So: Apparently people tend to lie when asked about sex – even when asked by anonymous scientific researchers such as those employed by the GSS. Who would have ever guessed?
My point is that “average number of sexual encounters” figures provided even by the GSS may be wildly inaccurate and probably skewing much higher than reality. In other words, most folks don’t have sex nearly as often as they’d like other people to think they do.
So, again, what constitutes normal? Perhaps the most recent Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (commonly referred to as the DSM-5) – the book that serves as the American Psychiatric Association’s “diagnostic bible” – can clear things up for us?
The DSM-5 lists two disorders related to lack of sexual activity and/or interest, one for each gender. Women have Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder; and men, Male Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. Interestingly, the diagnostic criteria for the two issues are extremely similar. (So why have two?) Essentially, whether male or female, a lack of sexual activity/interest is pathologized if and when:
• Sexual disinterest lasts for six months or longer.
• Sexual disinterest causes significant distress to the individual – stress, anxiety, depression, fear, etc.
• Sexual disinterest is not attributable to an external factor such as substance abuse, side effects of medication, a medical condition, or severe relationship trauma (as occurs with domestic violence, for instance).
Notice that even the DSM-5 does not give a specific number of sexual encounters that makes a person undersexed. So in terms of knowing how much sex people should (or shouldn’t) be having, the DSM-5 is not very helpful. Nor should it be, because sexual frequency is an individual preference. One person might be having sex two or three times per week and feel that he or she is not getting nearly enough, whereas another person might by having sex once in a blue moon and feel that’s more than sufficient.
Neither person should be pathologized for this difference.
The point that I am trying to make here is that either way – lots of sex or very little sex – there is no need to panic. Yes, you may be having sex much more often than you think is normal (whatever normal is), but this does not make you hypersexual, nor does having sex infrequently (or not at all) make you clinically undersexed and in need of psychotherapeutic treatment. If either of these extremes is causing you significant distress, of course, and if hearing the facts about sexual frequency (such as they are) does not help to alleviate your distress, then you may want to seek professional assistance. On the other hand, if the simple realization that you are probably a lot more normal than you thought diminishes your stress and anxiety, then you should proceed accordingly.
One overarching factor that science is just beginning to explore is the difference between physical sexual arousal and the desire to actually have sex. Until recently, it was thought that if men and/or women were experiencing sexual arousal then they would also want and probably have sex. Now we are finding that this is not in fact the case, particularly with women, who, generally speaking, need to feel not just physical arousal but an emotional connection before they fully desire sex. In other words, physical arousal is not always enough.
And in truth it’s not just women who need an emotional connection in order to fully desire and enjoy sex. Some men do, too. Interestingly, this realization has recently spawned a new genre of sexuality identifiers. These days, people don’t just identify as straight, gay, lesbian, or bi; we’ve also got shifting labels like demisexual and gray-asexual. (In case you’re wondering, demisexuals say they only rarely feel sexual desire, and when they do it is only in the context of a close relationship. Meanwhile, gray-asexuals fluctuate between asexuality and a more normal level of interest—whatever they feel normal might be). Regardless of the terminology, there are growing numbers of people who freely accept that it is perfectly okay to have little or no interest in sexual activity. In other words, they understand and accept that it is only when lack of sex is causing significant distress to a person and/or his or her romantic partner(s) that it becomes problematic.
So where are you on the spectrum of sexual? And does the answer really matter?
The simple truth is that human sexuality cuts a wide swath in terms of what people like to do, how often they like to do it, and who they like to do it with (if anyone at all). Furthermore, these desires – especially as they relate to sexual frequency – can be significantly influenced by all sorts of internal and external factors: age, physical health, psychological wellbeing, emotional intimacy, medications, substance abuse, grief, work and/or financial stress, hormonal imbalances, etc. Knowing this, it is easier to understand that there just isn’t a norm when it comes to the amount of sex that you should be having.
If you’re comfortable with the amount of sex that you’re having, then you’re having the right amount of sex. Period. Even if the amount of sex you’re having is “very little” or “none at all.”
Just as people can be heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual, people can also be hypersexual, asexual, demisexual, gray-asexual, or anything else. And there is nothing inherently wrong with any of this. As long as your sexual activity (or lack thereof) is not causing you stress and anxiety, diminishing your self-esteem, harming others, breaking the law, causing problems in your relationship, if you’re in one, or creating negative life consequences, you needn’t worry.
You should also understand, if you are still worried about your lack of sexual activity, that many times hyposexuality is a medical issue that can be treated with various medications and/or lubricants. And in cases where the issue is not physical in nature, there are plenty of therapists who specialize in helping their clients to heal from sexual issues. (The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists is an excellent referral source.)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201503/are-you-having-enough-sex
http://article.yeeyan.org/view/lehuanxi/448723
作为一个专治性行为障碍和亲密关系障碍的心理治疗师，我可以告诉你，很多个人和夫妇对他们目前拥有的性爱数量（或没有性爱）感到烦恼。
他们问我：“要有多少性爱才健康？”以及“为了获得健康和快乐，我/我们应该拥有多少性爱？”
除了性强迫者，大部分人提出这些问题，是在担心个人和夫妇的性爱不够多。但不管他们担心性爱太多还是不够多，这些提问的人，对于他们视为可能不健康的性生活，典型的感到了很大的压力和焦虑。
什么是健康？
亲爱的读者，这有点像一个既定观点问题。如果你在谷歌中搜索这个问题，你得到的答案数量是让人吃惊的。一些最为系统的答案包含了综合社会调查所提供的数据，该调查从1970年代早期开始追踪美国人的性行为（因此这些答案也可能是最准确的）。综合社会调查指出，已婚夫妇每年拥有接近58次性爱。但是这个数量没有考虑夫妇的年龄和婚姻时间。换句话说，这项统计没有区分二十多岁的人和年长的人，也没有区分刚结婚的人和结婚半个世纪的人。综合社会调查提供的其它信息指出，二十多岁的夫妻平均每年拥有111次性爱，每年长十岁性爱频率下降接近20%。
你是不是正在板着手指计算年龄和百分比呢？我就正在这么做。毕竟我也是人，尽管我拥有多年的临床治疗经验，对于性爱频率这个问题我也是耿耿于怀的。
对于那些寻找“正常标准”的准确答案的人而言，很不幸的是，即使上述由综合社会调查所提供的数据也是具有误导性的，在2015年1月《纽约时报》的一篇文章里，Seth Stephens-Davidowitz探讨了这个问题。他写道：
我分析了综合社会调查的一个经典研究的数据。18岁及以上的异性恋男性报告他们平均每年有63次性爱，其中23%使用了安全套。加起来每年使用了16亿个异性恋安全套。异性恋女性报告她们平均每年有55次性爱，其中16%使用了安全套。加起来每年使用了11亿个异性恋安全套。谁说的是实话呢，男性还是女性？都不是。根据尼尔森市场调研公司的数据，每年销售的安全套少于6亿个。
所以：显然，当被问到关于性爱的问题时，人们倾向于说谎，即使由综合社会调查雇佣的匿名科学研究人员进行提问，也是如此。谁会猜到这种情况呢？
我想要说的是，“平均性爱次数”这个数据，可能是很不准确的，且很可能比实际数量高很多，即使这个数据是由综合社会调查提供的。换句话说，大多数人实际拥有的性爱，少于他们希望别人认为他们所拥有的。
那么，再回到这个问题，怎样才是正常的？也许最新的精神异常诊断和统计手册（通常被称作DSM-5）——美国精神治疗协会将它誉为“诊断圣经”——可以为我们解答这个问题？
DSM-5列出了两种与性行为缺乏和/或性兴趣缺乏相关的障碍，每个性别各一种。女人有女性性兴趣/性唤起障碍；男人有男性性欲衰退障碍。有趣的是，诊断这两种障碍的标准是非常相似的（那为什么要分为两种障碍？）。本质上说，不管是男性还是女性，如果且每当出现以下性行为/性兴趣缺乏的情况时，将被认为是病态的：
• 缺乏性兴趣持续六个月或以上。
• 缺乏性兴趣给个人带来明显的苦恼——压力，焦虑，抑郁，担忧，等等。
• 缺乏性兴趣不是由外部因素引起的，例如药物滥用、药物副作用、身体状况或严重的人际关系创伤（比如发生了家庭暴力）。
我们注意到，即使DSM-5也没有给出一个确切的导致一个人性冷淡的性爱次数。所以若想了解人们应当（或不应当）拥有多少性爱，DSM-5并不管用。它也不应当给出答案，因为性爱频率是一种个人偏好。一个人可能每周有两到三次性爱还觉得不够多，而另一个人可能偶尔有一次性爱就已觉得太多了。
不管这其中有多大差别，没有哪个人应当被认为是病态的。
我在这想要指出的是，不管哪种情况——拥有很多性爱或很少性爱——都不需要恐慌。是的，可能你拥有的性爱比你认为正常的性爱要多得多（不管这个正常是多少），但你并非性欲过度，同样如果拥有很少性爱（或根本没有性爱），你也并非临床上需要心理治疗的性欲衰退。当然，如果任何一种极端情况导致你出现明显的苦恼，并且如果了解这些关于性爱频率（这个频率并不一定很高）的事实无法帮助你减轻苦恼，那么你可能想要寻求专业帮助。另一方面，如果仅仅认识到你比你所认为的更加正常，就能够减轻你的压力和焦虑，那么你就应当这样去做。
科学才刚开始探索的一个首要因素，就是身体上的性唤起和实际上的性欲之间的差别。直到最近人们还认为，如果男性和/或女性经历了性唤起，他们同样想要并且很可能进行了性交。现在我们发现这不是事实，尤其是对于女性，通常来说，女性不仅需要感受到身体上的唤起，还需要有一种情感联结，才会完全对性有欲望。换句话说，只有身体上的唤起并不总是足够的。
并且事实上，不只有女性才需要一种情感联结以便完全对性有欲望。有一些男性也需要。有趣的是，这种认识在最近引发了一种新的性别类型定义。现在，人们不仅被标识为异性恋、男同性恋、女同性恋或双性恋；我们还有像失性恋和灰色-无性恋这样的不断变化的标识。（如果你想知道，失性恋者会告诉你他们只有很少的时候有性欲，并且这只发生在亲密关系中。而灰色-无性恋者则在无性和一种更为正常的性兴趣水平之间摆动——无论他们认为的正常是怎么样的）。不管使用什么术语，越来越多的人自由的同意了性行为中无性或只有很少的性兴趣也是完全没有问题的。换句话说，他们理解并同意，只有当性缺乏给一个人和/或他或她的亲密伴侣带来了明显的苦恼时，才成为问题。
那么你处在这个性谱系中的哪个位置呢？并且答案真的重要吗？
一个简单的事实就是，对于人们喜欢什么人、喜欢多频繁的做爱、以及喜欢和谁一起做爱（如果可以和任何人做），人类的性别导致了很大的不同。进一步说，这些欲望——尤其是它们和性爱频率有关——能够明显的被所有类型的内部和外部因素所影响：年龄、身体健康、心理幸福感、情感亲密性、药物治疗、药物滥用、悲伤、工作和/或经济压力、激素不平衡，等等。明白了这点，就很容易理解，对于你应当拥有多少性爱这个问题，并没有一个标准答案。
如果你对于目前拥有的性爱数量感到满意，那么你已经拥有了适当的性爱数量。即使你拥有的性爱数量是“非常少”或“根本没有”。
就像人们可以是异性恋、同性恋或双性恋，人们也可以是性欲过度、无性欲、失性恋、灰色-无性恋或其它任何类型。并且这其中没有哪一种一定是错误的。只要你的性活动（或缺乏性活动）没有引起你的压力和焦虑，没有减少你的自尊，没有伤害其他人，没有违反法律，没有给你的关系带来问题（如果你在一种关系中），也没有给生活带来负面的后果，你就无需担忧。
你同样也应理解，如果你依然对自己缺乏性活动感到担忧，很多情况下性欲减退是一个医学问题，可以使用多种药物和/或润滑液进行治疗。而且如果这不是一个先天的身体问题，有很多治疗师专门帮助来访者治愈性问题。（美国性教育辅导治疗协会有非常好的治疗资源可以向你推荐。）
Are You Having Enough Sex? | Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S
As a psychotherapist specializing in sexual and intimacy disorders , I can tell you that for a lot of individuals and couples the amount of sex they’re having (or not having) can be worrisome.
They ask me: “How much sex is healthy?” and, "How much sex should I/we be having in order to be healthy and happy?”
Most of the time the expressed concern, except in cases of sexual compulsivity, is that the individual or couple is not being sexual often enough. But whatever the fear, too much or not enough, the individuals who pose questions typically feel a considerable amount of stress and anxiety about what they view as a potentially unhealthy sexual life.
What Is Healthy?
That, dear readers, is a bit of a loaded question. If you Google this request, you’ll get an astounding array of answers. Some of the most methodically obtained data (and therefore the most likely to be accurate) is provided by the General Social Survey, which has tracked American sexual behaviors since the early 1970s. The GSS suggests that married couples have sex approximately 58 times per year. But this number does not consider the age of the couple or how long they’ve been together. In other words, this statistic doesn’t differentiate between people in their 20s and senior citizens, or people who just got married and those who’ve been together for half a century. Other information provided by the GSS more helpfully suggests that couples in their 20s have sex an average of 111 times per year, and that the frequency of sex drops approximately 20 percent per decade as couples get older.
Are you counting decades and percentages on your fingers right now? I sure am. After all, I’m human and this issue, despite my years of clinical experience, nags at me too.
Unfortunately for those seeking accurate answers about “normality”, even the data above provided by the GSS may be misleading, as discussed in a January 2015 New York Times article by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz. He writes:
I analyzed data from the General Social Survey, a classic research site. Heterosexual men 18 and over say that they average 63 sex acts per year, using a condom in 23 percent of them. This adds up to more than 1.6 billion heterosexual condom uses per year. Heterosexual women say they average 55 sex acts per year, using a condom in 16 percent of them. This adds up to about 1.1 billion heterosexual condom uses per year. Who is telling the truth, men or women? Neither. According to Nielsen, fewer than 600 million condoms are sold every year.
So: Apparently people tend to lie when asked about sex – even when asked by anonymous scientific researchers such as those employed by the GSS. Who would have ever guessed?
My point is that “average number of sexual encounters” figures provided even by the GSS may be wildly inaccurate and probably skewing much higher than reality. In other words, most folks don’t have sex nearly as often as they’d like other people to think they do.
So, again, what constitutes normal? Perhaps the most recent Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (commonly referred to as the DSM-5) – the book that serves as the American Psychiatric Association’s “diagnostic bible” – can clear things up for us?
The DSM-5 lists two disorders related to lack of sexual activity and/or interest, one for each gender. Women have Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder; and men, Male Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. Interestingly, the diagnostic criteria for the two issues are extremely similar. (So why have two?) Essentially, whether male or female, a lack of sexual activity/interest is pathologized if and when:
• Sexual disinterest lasts for six months or longer.
• Sexual disinterest causes significant distress to the individual – stress, anxiety, depression, fear, etc.
• Sexual disinterest is not attributable to an external factor such as substance abuse, side effects of medication, a medical condition, or severe relationship trauma (as occurs with domestic violence, for instance).
Notice that even the DSM-5 does not give a specific number of sexual encounters that makes a person undersexed. So in terms of knowing how much sex people should (or shouldn’t) be having, the DSM-5 is not very helpful. Nor should it be, because sexual frequency is an individual preference. One person might be having sex two or three times per week and feel that he or she is not getting nearly enough, whereas another person might by having sex once in a blue moon and feel that’s more than sufficient.
Neither person should be pathologized for this difference.
The point that I am trying to make here is that either way – lots of sex or very little sex – there is no need to panic. Yes, you may be having sex much more often than you think is normal (whatever normal is), but this does not make you hypersexual, nor does having sex infrequently (or not at all) make you clinically undersexed and in need of psychotherapeutic treatment. If either of these extremes is causing you significant distress, of course, and if hearing the facts about sexual frequency (such as they are) does not help to alleviate your distress, then you may want to seek professional assistance. On the other hand, if the simple realization that you are probably a lot more normal than you thought diminishes your stress and anxiety, then you should proceed accordingly.
One overarching factor that science is just beginning to explore is the difference between physical sexual arousal and the desire to actually have sex. Until recently, it was thought that if men and/or women were experiencing sexual arousal then they would also want and probably have sex. Now we are finding that this is not in fact the case, particularly with women, who, generally speaking, need to feel not just physical arousal but an emotional connection before they fully desire sex. In other words, physical arousal is not always enough.
And in truth it’s not just women who need an emotional connection in order to fully desire and enjoy sex. Some men do, too. Interestingly, this realization has recently spawned a new genre of sexuality identifiers. These days, people don’t just identify as straight, gay, lesbian, or bi; we’ve also got shifting labels like demisexual and gray-asexual. (In case you’re wondering, demisexuals say they only rarely feel sexual desire, and when they do it is only in the context of a close relationship. Meanwhile, gray-asexuals fluctuate between asexuality and a more normal level of interest—whatever they feel normal might be). Regardless of the terminology, there are growing numbers of people who freely accept that it is perfectly okay to have little or no interest in sexual activity. In other words, they understand and accept that it is only when lack of sex is causing significant distress to a person and/or his or her romantic partner(s) that it becomes problematic.
So where are you on the spectrum of sexual? And does the answer really matter?
The simple truth is that human sexuality cuts a wide swath in terms of what people like to do, how often they like to do it, and who they like to do it with (if anyone at all). Furthermore, these desires – especially as they relate to sexual frequency – can be significantly influenced by all sorts of internal and external factors: age, physical health, psychological wellbeing, emotional intimacy, medications, substance abuse, grief, work and/or financial stress, hormonal imbalances, etc. Knowing this, it is easier to understand that there just isn’t a norm when it comes to the amount of sex that you should be having.
If you’re comfortable with the amount of sex that you’re having, then you’re having the right amount of sex. Period. Even if the amount of sex you’re having is “very little” or “none at all.”
Just as people can be heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual, people can also be hypersexual, asexual, demisexual, gray-asexual, or anything else. And there is nothing inherently wrong with any of this. As long as your sexual activity (or lack thereof) is not causing you stress and anxiety, diminishing your self-esteem, harming others, breaking the law, causing problems in your relationship, if you’re in one, or creating negative life consequences, you needn’t worry.
You should also understand, if you are still worried about your lack of sexual activity, that many times hyposexuality is a medical issue that can be treated with various medications and/or lubricants. And in cases where the issue is not physical in nature, there are plenty of therapists who specialize in helping their clients to heal from sexual issues. (The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists is an excellent referral source.)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201503/are-you-having-enough-sex
