深化交往关系的五种方法

                
                
      太多的人把彼此的交情看做理所当然的事情而变得懒惰不愿应付。当事情进展顺利，我们通常就会忘乎所以。以下介绍几种方法，可以深化彼此的交情而且从中得到快乐。
      专注听别人说话。当你的朋友正在谈交往的事情，你要特别专注听讲。真诚地听别人讲话，即便你不能完全听明白别人说的话。这样时间久了，对方就会觉得你是关注对方的，尊重你们之间的交情。你要记住，对方滔滔不绝，只是在表达某些感情，这些感情与他们自己的历史而不是与你的历史有关。深度倾听，也是一种慷概大度的行为。
     对人要有同情心。即便你认为其中没有多少理智可言，也要把别人的感情当回事。即便对方所谈的难以听下去，也要保持良好的姿态给对方以回应。深吸几口气，提醒自己记住，别人也有自己的感情，警惕自己是否坠入不知羞耻之感。交往是外在的行为。那种认为你在做错事的想法，会使你麻木，从而难以听别人讲话。如果你需要时间来消化对方说的事情，你可以要求对方停一下。也许可以说一些诸如此类的话：“我确实想听明白你的意思。你说的，在我看来很重要。我需要一点儿时间消化你说的事情。”
       警惕你的抵触情绪。警惕自己的抵触和排斥情绪，这样的情况我们大家有时都可能有。当别人对我们说的或做的事情不乐意，或在某些方面对我们的交情不满，再要我们保持殷勤状态很不容易。保持最佳状态听别人说话，而不要陷入不知羞耻之感的状态，或者要意识到不知羞耻之感存在于你的肢体语言，要温和地对待它，这样可能化解它。警惕自己的麻木之感，因为你在想哪些事情错了，哪些事情做得不妥当，从而不能倾听别人讲话。
       如果羞耻让你感到麻木，你就再不能专心听讲。如果你认同笔者的话，你在伤害别人，你就会有责任心，而不会自责自己一番了事。你会从反馈意见中学到一些东西，并更加努力注意推进彼此的交情。
      与亲密的交情合拍。再怎么艰难的对话也能建立亲密的交情，如果你们彼此都能表达真情实感，也都能真心倾听对方的讲话，那么你们就能够保持恒久地深化你们的交情。在生活伴侣中，这样的交往甚至可能分享其他隐秘的感情，大大活跃你们的性生活。
      享受相守一起的时光。要给对方充分的空间，才能享受彼此为伴的时光。约翰.葛特曼对很多夫妻的研究（交往是外在的行为）表明，建立积极的交情，有助于奠定爱情的坚实基础，有助于建立有成长空间的交情。
      在以上述及的方面小心翼翼地护理你们的交情，有助于培养起你渴望的交情。在你看来是重要的交情中，当你需要帮助时，不要羞于求助，不要等待事情真的变得一团糟糕才付诸行动。我发现苏.约翰逊（交往是外在的行为）的情感专注疗法（交往是外在的行为）对夫妻关系特别有用。求助夫妻关系理疗师，可以帮助你们揭示你们经历中深层次关系以及学会以开放心态倾听对方的心声。
     
      英文链接：
                              5 Ways to Deepen Relationships | Psychology Today
It’s all too human to get lazy in our relationships and take things for granted. When things are going well, we have a tendency to coast. Here are some ways to enjoy more fulfilling connections:
Listen deeply: Listen especially carefully when your partner or friend is expressing something about the relationship. A sincere effort to listen--even it you don’t fully understand everything they’re saying--goes a long way toward helping your partner feel that you care about them and value the relationship. Remember that your partner simply is expressing feelings, which may sometimes have more do to with their history than with you. Deep listening is a powerful act of generosity.
Be empathic: Take their feelings seriously, even if you don’t think there’s a good reason for them. If what they’re saying is difficult to hear, try to stay connnected in your body. Take some deep breaths. Remind yourself that they're entitled to their feelings. Notice if you are going into a shame- freeze (link is external). Being paralyzed by the thought that you did something wrong makes it difficult to listen. Ask them to pause if you need time to absorb what they’re saying. Perhaps say something like: “I really want to hear you.What you’re saying is important to me. I need a moment to let in what you’re saying.”
Monitor your defensiveness: Notice a tendency to get defensive and dismissive, which we all do sometimes. It’s not easy to be attentive when someone is unhappy about something we’ve said or done--or if they're dissatisfied with the relationship in some way. Do your best to hear what they're saying without going into a shame-freeze--or be aware of how the shame-freeze is feeling in your body and bring gentleness to it so that it might soften. Be mindful if you’re feeling paralyzed and therefore unable to hear them because you’re thinking something is wrong with you or that you’re not doing something right.
If you’re paralyzed by shame, you won’t be able to listen well. If you agree that you did something hurtful, you can take responsibility for that without beating yourself up. You can learn something from the feedback and make an effort to be more mindful going forward.
Tune into the intimacy: Even difficult conversations can build intimacy. If you can both express your authentic feelings and really listen to each other, it can go a long way toward deepening the connection. In a partnership, it might even enliven your sex life to share feelings that might otherwise go into hiding.
Enjoy your time together: Make sure the relationship has ample time to enjoy each other’s company. John Gottman's research (link is external) into couples has suggested that building the connection in positive ways helps create an important foundation for love and connection to grow.
Attending to your relationship in these mindful ways can help nurture the connection you long for. And don't be shy to seek help when necessary in a partnership that is important to you; don’t wait until things get really bad. I've found Dr. Sue Johnson’s (link is external) approach of Emotionally Focusing Therapy (link is external) to be particularly helpful for couples. Getting the support of a couples counselor can help you uncover and reveal the deeper layers of what you’re experiencing, as well as learn to listen to each other non-defensively.