Day 9 to kill a mockingbird
Dear Diary,
When enough years have gone by to enable me to look back on them, I must thank myself for not giving up on myself so quick.
The current situation just leaves me feeling of hurt, angry and impotent. A month is 30 days long but seems shorter. It passes within a wink and that is the time I know I have to find a way to renew my visa or i have to leave the country. Without proper visa to stay and work in Malaysia has become my nightmare. Things were getting better and better. I was accepted by two Universities, working part-time in a University while waiting the other university to offer me a full-time with work-permit work. I was over thrilled with what was happening at that moment. I had never felt so contented like this. I almost believed that my life was about to change and I was finally putting a closure to my sad depressed work experience.
Maybe you would say that I am too pessimistic, just like my father and my husband said, 'hey, it is not a big deal, you have to relax'. I know they are so right about it. It's just i am stuck in a vicious cycle that i take everything personally and convincing myself that i am not good enough to deserve anything good. I cannot remember the time that i started to become a total pessimist and was so afraid of changing. The fact that I was working at a very depressed work environment for three years without trying to get out of that workplace proved everything. I am a total coward.
Sighing, staring at nothing and thinking how pathetic I am are what i do every time when i hear the bad news. Trying to talk all my sad feelings to my husband which always irritates him and ending up a huge fight. He is not patient enough to hear my sad stories which i am just trying to feel safe again. He would never understand, he is a taciturn person, he would rather keep his feelings to himself than talking it out loud. I am just the opposite. I love sharing my feelings especially when I am down. Now it seems that sharing is not a smart thing to do with him.
I need to get distracted from all bad news and keep trying. I think Allah must prepare me sth special in the future. I will wait and see.
When enough years have gone by to enable me to look back on them, I must thank myself for not giving up on myself so quick.
The current situation just leaves me feeling of hurt, angry and impotent. A month is 30 days long but seems shorter. It passes within a wink and that is the time I know I have to find a way to renew my visa or i have to leave the country. Without proper visa to stay and work in Malaysia has become my nightmare. Things were getting better and better. I was accepted by two Universities, working part-time in a University while waiting the other university to offer me a full-time with work-permit work. I was over thrilled with what was happening at that moment. I had never felt so contented like this. I almost believed that my life was about to change and I was finally putting a closure to my sad depressed work experience.
Maybe you would say that I am too pessimistic, just like my father and my husband said, 'hey, it is not a big deal, you have to relax'. I know they are so right about it. It's just i am stuck in a vicious cycle that i take everything personally and convincing myself that i am not good enough to deserve anything good. I cannot remember the time that i started to become a total pessimist and was so afraid of changing. The fact that I was working at a very depressed work environment for three years without trying to get out of that workplace proved everything. I am a total coward.
Sighing, staring at nothing and thinking how pathetic I am are what i do every time when i hear the bad news. Trying to talk all my sad feelings to my husband which always irritates him and ending up a huge fight. He is not patient enough to hear my sad stories which i am just trying to feel safe again. He would never understand, he is a taciturn person, he would rather keep his feelings to himself than talking it out loud. I am just the opposite. I love sharing my feelings especially when I am down. Now it seems that sharing is not a smart thing to do with him.
I need to get distracted from all bad news and keep trying. I think Allah must prepare me sth special in the future. I will wait and see.