AN EXCERPT FROM I WROTE ANOTHER BOOK! BY LUMPY SPACE PRINCESS
To my LUMPS. I owe all my fabulous success to them.
Hi, gals and pals. Thanks for reading. My book editor-who is not all that lumping great-said my last book, I Wrote a Book (buy it today!!!) lacked “meaningful content.” I don’t even know what that LUMPING MEANS, but whatevs.
So this stupid editor was all like, “We’re going to release a little part of your next book early(that little part is called an excerpt) to whet people’s appetites for the whole book.”
And I was all like, “Well, if you want to whet their LUMPING appetites, just put more pics of my smokin’ lumps on the cover!”
Anyway, I’m going to pack a ton of awesome stuff into this chapter, so it can be excerpted in The Lumpy Spacer magazine, which is, like, super highbrow and talks about plays and stuff, which of course I love because plays=DRAMA!
So . . .
Once upon a time there was a beautiful lumpy space princess . . . me!
I live I this superawesome amazing home. Oh my glob, isn’t it just to die? I know.
Currently I’m in, like, negotiations have my beautiful home featured in an episode of House Finders: Land of Ooo Edition.
Sometimes Finn and Jack come by. We’re besties, even though sometimes Jack calls me a hobo, and I’m like, “Oh my glob! SHUT YOUR FACE, JAKE! I AM NOT A HOBO!”
Now you’re probably all, “OMG, LSP, you are so young and gorge and you live on your own in a mansion?!?”EDITOR NOTES: It’s a hobo mansion.
Well, yes. That is all true. I am young and gorge and I live on my own in a mansion. EDITOR NOTES: Still a hobo mansion.
There was a whole reason I ended up here on my own, but it’s way complicated. Basically I got in a big fight with my stupid mom and dad, and also things were getting soooo dramafied with Brad.
If you’ve been living under, like, a lumping rock or something , Brad is my stupid ex-BF who I used to eat chili cheese fries with.
Secretly, I would maybe, possibly, probably, not sure, but kinda definitely take Brad back if he was interested. But I’m sure he’s lumping not because he’s all lumping interested by me and MY LUMPS! GAH! My beauty is my curse!
But FYI, babes, being a Lumpy Space Princess is NOT just all riding around in cars with boys and eating beans from a can and looking lumping fabulous. There are downsides. Like, who can you trust in this lumping world? It’s TOTALLY “mo lumps, mo problems” out there the streets.
Melissa is my best friends, but in my celly she is labeled as Best Friends#66 because I don’t want her thinking she’s all high-and-lumping-mighty.
Ugh, hold on. My celly is blowing up like it’s preggers.
“Hello? LSP here. Oh, hiiii, Melissa.”
It’s lumping Melissa. Yes, she’s my best friend, but still . . . I just-ARGH! I DON’T KNOW! I’M JUST AN ENMOTUONAL THUNDERSTROM!!!
“Sorry, yeah, go ahead, Melissa. No, I don’t care. You do whatever you want. Go to the drive-in movie theater with Brad. Good. Fine. Whatever. Do that. No, I’m not mad. NO, I’M NOT LUMPING MAD! GOOD-BYE!”
WHAT THE LUMP?! Melissa is going to the drive-in theater with Brad? Like, what lumping YEAR IS IT?!? Who goes to the drive-in?!? Melissa doesn’t even like movies; she likes daytime dramas! She totally, like, changes when she’s with Brad.
Ugh. Anyway. SODETRACKED! Now my lumps are grumps. So, that’s IT! NO MORE writing today!
I’ll just sum everything up real quick and say yes, my life is totes glamsville. You should probably be a lot more like me, and I’m dying a little on the inside because I know you never will be.
Okay, that’s it. That’s the excerpt. That’s ALL you get without buying the whole book.
Please out, loves!
BUMPS!
THE END!
