未写完的反思及对将来的一些期望

For a long time I have been struggling to find a philosophy of life that I can consistently follow, guidelines, principles, reminders that can stablize my life in this turbulent journey of growth and constant moving. I tell myself that I would have probably thrived more if I had kept a document where I put down all the guidelines that I would like to follow when I can think clearly.

This shall be the document, then. In this document, I would like to remember 1) what disoriented me in the first place and 2) how I can change trajectory and return to a path that I consider reasonable.

I wasn't like this before moving to the US. Although having only finished a year of college, I can barely remember the years I spent in the boarding high school, where life consisted of dark-colored blobs sprinkled with some occassional brighter-colored ones. I wouldn't say that I was traumatized by those 3 years. I did have a good time being a non-religious audience for Kuzi and Joy's prayers, playing badminton with Jessica on the lawn outside of our dorm the end of senior spring, and ... that's about it. It would seem to my parents that I am intentionally diminishing the value of those days.. They did leave countless indelible marks that certainly benefited my growth, one of which being that they taught me how to treasure and appreciate people who love me back home, where I was overwhelmed by love, because here I am not.

"This is why I am still lost," I said. I didn't have time to reconsider whose role I am playing on this new stage because I was too intimidated by the environment and was busy establishing my own place on this land and busy proving to others my value and my excellence among my peers who seem to have had everything, friends, girlfriends, family.. Indeed I have always only cared about people, about human relationships and emotions, the things that I had never thought of to write down in my to-dos or new year resolutions because they used to be readily available. They came naturally. Praises, respect, admiration, love. In their absence it took a long time for me to realize what was missing, so I was naive enough to think that all I wanted was to get into an ivy school.

Now I made it, and now it is time to think clearly beacause I have long avoided confronting my problems. I had a tendency to attribute the causes of all these problems to one single place so that before I made there I can deceive myself and say, "it's all because I haven't got there."

Here are some guidelines for myself that might seem obvious to others, but since I am extremely forgetful, I know that I won't be able to remember them if I had not written them down somewhere.

1) Be honest to myself. -- I am not. I tell myself that I want yogurt while in fact I wanted ice cream, so I would end up having yogurt and then ice cream because I was unsatisfied after the yogurt. Please Jane, please just go for ice cream when you want ice cream. Not just that. I am constantly in a rebuttal mode when I talk to my dad because he knows who I realy am while I am in denial. He knows what I truly wanted while I find it embarrassing to say that that is what I want. I think one of the best one to hold myself accountable for my thoughts is to keep writing (yes, I have to be responsible for them because although they are probably not harming anyone else the lies that I tell myself are damaging my own vision) I hate when people say,"you are entitled to express your opinions." No, I am not. I am not even entitled to have those thoughts because they are unreasonable and unjustifiable.

2) Write everyday.

3) Make as many friends as possible. My grandma told me not to trust anyone but my relatives. Friends aren't trustworthy. My mother told me that one only needs a handful of friends. It's enough to have one or two. I am concluding from my experience of lack of friendships during high school years that I need to always develop circumstantial friendships, as many as possible. The reasoning is simple: in this past year I was happy because I had friends ==> friendships make me happy ==> I need to have friends because I want to be happy ==> I need to prioritize making friends. Thus in order to allocate time for cultivating this relationships while still having ample time for studying and reading I should reduce the amount of time that I spend on youtube ;) yes. no youtube please, go establish real connections with other people. I should a little louder so that others can hear me. I should speak with more convictions so others know that I am honest and trustworthy.

4) Help people whenever I can, and don't turn down other people when they offer to help. I realize that reciprocation is necessary in cultivating a relationship. I would always help when others ask, but I am still missing two crucial points: 1) noticing other people's needs and offer to help even when others didn't ask 2) accepting other people's offers and appreciating them. My parents both hated to ask for help, and I have learned from them not to bother other people when I can. I have realized that this isn't true, though. I find myself happy when I offer my help to others and they accepted. I feel more comfortable around those that I've helped rather than those who have helped me. I will help others by making them happy through helping me.

5) TBD that's it for this morning I need to do work.