内心深处的刚强

Therapists Spill: 14 Ways to Get Through Tough Times

渡过难关的14种方法

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

1. Acknowledge and feel your feelings. 正视自己的感受，接受自己的情绪，并认真体会那些感受。每天拨出15分钟，梳理情绪，理解情绪的由来，写日记，深呼吸，默想。

“Avoiding your negative emotion may feel like an effective stopgap measure, but in fact it simply postpones, and perhaps escalates and exacerbates, a flood of negative emotion sometime in the future,” said John Duffy, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens.

Ignoring your emotions is “like trying to run away from something that’s right on your shoulder. The only way to truly be free is to stop and face your emotions,” said Hibbert, who also specializes in women’s mental health, postpartum issues and parenting.

Still, you might worry that your emotions will be too overwhelming. While this can happen, people tend to get stuck because they’re actually not feeling their emotions, Hibbert said. “Instead, they think about, wallow in, and replay events. But they are not letting themselves really feel the pain, loss, sadness, anger, that is lurking within.”

Hibbert developed a method called TEARS – “Talking, Exercising, Artistic expression, Recording or writing experiences, and Sobbing” – to help individuals cope with their emotions, particularly with grief. “These five things can give us something to do when feeling overwhelmed by life stress.”

TEARS 排解法：

T: talking 与你信赖的人谈心

E: exercising 锻炼

A: artistic expression 艺术表达

R: recording/writing experiences. 录音或写作

S: sobbing 哭出来

She also suggested clients set a time limit to feel their emotions every day. Even 15 minutes can help to process your emotions.

Don’t judge or rationalize away your feelings, said Joyce Marter, LCPC, a therapist and owner of the counseling practice Urban Balance. “ Accept them as part of your journey.”

2. Talk about it. 勇敢将感受说出来。

“When people bottle up challenging situations, the problems grow and mutate into horrible worries and anxieties,” said Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the blog “In Therapy.” Talking about your troubles, however, helps you better understand your own fears and get valuable feedback from others, “who have probably experienced similar levels of distress and can give you the perspective you need.”

3. Try to see past the hardship. 努力超越困境，让自己从现实情境抽离，把目光放长远，正向思考。

When you’re in a crisis, it’s hard to see any upside. But, with some distance, you may be able to see the situation in a different light. According to Howes:

You lost your job? Well, you’ve lost some in the past, and always landed on your feet. You had a fight with your spouse? Well, historically, you tend to bounce back. You had a panic attack? Most of your life hasn’t included panic, so we can assume most of your future won’t as well. Some lost jobs lead to better jobs, some broken relationships lead to relationships that are a better fit, and some panic leads to finally getting the help you need.

4. Prioritize self-care. 把自我关怀放在第一位，先呵护好自己的身心灵。

“[Self-care] is absolutely necessary to survive tough situations,” said Marter, who also pens the Psych Central blog “The Psychology of Success in Business.” “[Y]ou won’t be of any help to others if you are incapacitated,” Howes said.

While you might not have time for your usual healthy habits, you can still take good care of yourself. For instance, if you can’t prepare a nutritious meal, keep protein bars in your bag, she said. If you can’t go to the gym for an hour, take a 10- to 15-minute walk around the block to “relieve physical tension and clear the cobwebs in your mind.”

从各方面关注自己的健康，为自己做营养餐，去健身房锻炼一小时，或在社区附近步行15分钟，缓解压力，清理纷乱的思绪。

Ten minutes of meditating or a 20-minute power nap also helps, she said. Remember that a stressful situation isn’t a sprint; sometimes “it may be more of a marathon. [You] need to pace [yourself] and take the necessary time to rest to reboot your mind and body.”

5. Consider if you’re experiencing a catastrophe or an inconvenience.

分辨清楚此时你所经历的究竟是大灾难还是可以解决的生活问题。

Sometimes we magnify problems, turning a fixable concern into a calamity. Jeffrey Sumber, M.A., a psychotherapist, author and teacher, shared a family lesson about viewing issues more accurately.

My great grandmother gave our family a very important key to coping with difficult situations in life. She suggested that if anything can be fixed with money, it is not really a problem. This rule has been very important in my life as a reminder that so often we create catastrophes where there are sometimes inconveniences.

6. Practice acceptance. 对于那些无法掌控的事，面对、接受、放下，不去忧虑。将关注点放在你可以掌控的事情上面，比如自我关怀，你的言语、行为和决定。

“Let go of that which you cannot control,” Marter said. To start, make a list of everything you don’t have control over. These are the things you can stop worrying about.

“During a moment of meditation or prayer, visualize handing those items over to your higher power and letting them go. Then focus on what you can control, like your self-care, your words, your actions and your decisions.”

7. Ask for help. 向家人或友人寻求帮助，不要羞于启齿。寻求帮助时，要清楚表达自己需要什么，不需要什么。

You might assume that you can and should handle this difficult time on your own. Many people do. But, interestingly, when Duffy talks to his clients, most say they’d never expect others to manage similar situations alone. “We need to relinquish control, ask for help, and receive it with grace.”

When asking for help, you may need to be direct. Let others know what you need, such as “support and compassion,” and what you don’t need, such as “not criticizing my slowness to heal,” said Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Living with Depression.

Seeking support from your loved ones also strengthens those relationships. According to Hibbert, “Families and friends who can be there for each other, who can listen, talk about things, and openly feel together, not only help the individuals heal, but protect and strengthen the relationships that, in times of stress, are otherwise too often neglected.”

And remember that there are many kinds of support. “Support may come in the form of family, friends, co-workers, a doctor, therapist, support group or even your higher power,” Marter said.

8. Limit time with toxic people.

与散发负能量的有毒的人群拉开距离。何谓“有毒人群”？ 那些不能给予你支持鼓励，不可信靠，从未关心你的福祉的人。他们不懂聆听，喜欢批判、论断、抨击，苛求他人。与这样的人在一起，你会感觉自己的能量被榨干，相处时间越长，越让你心烦意乱。

Serani suggested spending less time – or no time – with toxic people. These are individuals who are not supportive or reliable and don’t have your best interest at heart. They don’t listen to you, and might even be critical, judgmental or demanding. After being with them, you feel drained and depleted. In other words, they make you feel worse.

9. Stay grounded in the present. 珍惜当下， 关注当下，活在当下。

“Practice mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation and yoga, [which] are excellent for the mind and body when going through a crisis,” Marter said.

10. Call an end to the crisis. 不再做鸵鸟，不再当生活的逃兵，采取主动，结束危机。

“Far too often, we allow crisis to define our lives and mindsets for way, way too long,” Duffy said. We burn out, become more anxious and depressed and have less energy and focus to find effective solutions, he said.

Calling an end to the crisis helps you shift into a calmer and more solution-focused state of mind.

For instance, Duffy worked with a woman who was grieving the dissolution of her marriage and going through a lengthy divorce process. “One day, we agreed that, though she did not have the power to end the marriage in the immediate run, she did have the choice to end the crisis she was suffering.” She still has to deal with attorney calls and paperwork. “But she is not in crisis.”

11. Observe the situation as an outsider. 保持冷静，以旁观者的角度看待当前处境。

“Take a ‘crisis break’ in which you relax and observe the situation as if you were an outsider, hearing about the circumstance from a friend or maybe a co-worker,” Duffy said. Take several deep breaths, and focus on your intuition. “You are very likely to derive some useful thoughts you would not have come upon within the midst of your anxious state.”

12. Just take action. 采取行动，调整、改变。

“If you don’t know what to do, do something,” Howes said. “Make a list, make some phone calls, gather some information.” Avoiding a situation only adds to your anxiety and “what ifs,” he said. Taking action is empowering.

13. Remember that you are not your difficult time.

请记住，你不是那些问题或危机。离婚不能定义你，疾病不能定义你，创伤不能定义你，你的银行账户不能定义你。无论你经历过什么伤痛，你真实的内在是完好无损的，你的心地是善良美好的。

As Marter said, “You are not your problems or your crisis. You are not your divorce, your illness, your trauma or your bank account. Your true self is that deeper entity within that is perfectly whole and well no matter what you are experiencing.”

14. Remember that everyone heals differently.

请记住每个人的疗愈过程是不一样的，每个生命是独一无二的，每个人的感受也各不相同。

“I encourage children and adults to remind others that this is their journey and that no one should be clock-watching,” Serani said. “Everyone feels in different ways. And everyone heals in different ways.”

Tough times can feel incredibly overwhelming and exhausting. But there are many things you can do to soften the blow. Plus, if you’re currently not in crisis but have issues to work through, seek professional help.

“It’s best to fix the roof when the sun is shining,” said Howes, quoting the famous saying. “Dealing with our childhood issues, relational issues, or anything else when we’re in periods of relative calm may be the best investment of time and effort we can make.”

And when you’re ready, look for the lesson. As Marter said, “Hardships are opportunities for growth and learning. They deepen our understandings of ourselves, others, and the world around us. There are hidden blessings that come with virtually every hardship, such as strength, wisdom, empathy or openness to a deeper spiritual awareness.”

“艰难困苦是帮助我们成长学习的机遇。它让我们对自己、他人和世界有更深刻的认知。每一道难关都是化妆的祝福，因为它磨练我们的意志，带给我们智慧和力量，让我们更有同理心，胸怀更开阔，境界更宽广。

当你面对人生风浪时，请不要忘记10 件事

10 Forgotten Truths to Help You Get Through Hard Times

WRITTEN by MARC CHERNOFF

“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” –Friedrich Nietzsche

“那些不能杀死我们的，终将使我们更强大。“ -- 尼采

The wisest, most loving, and well rounded people you have ever met are likely those who have known misery, known defeat, known the heartbreak of losing something or someone they loved, and have found their way out of the depths of their own despair. These people have experienced many ups and downs, and have gained an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, understanding and a deep loving wisdom. People like this aren’t born; they develop slowly over the course of time.

Angel and I have worked with thousands of these incredible people over the past decade, both online and offline, through various forms of coaching. In many cases they came to us feeling stuck and lost, unaware of their own brilliance, blind to the fact that their struggles have strengthened them and given them an upper hand in this crazy world.

Truth be told, when hard times hit, and the challenges you face are great, you can either let your situation define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you. The choice is yours to make.

In today’s article I want to remind you of a few powerful, yet easily forgotten truths that will help you choose wisely and grow stronger even through the hardest times…

1. Pain is part of life and love, and it helps you grow.

痛苦是生活和爱情的一部分，它帮助我们成长。

So many of us are afraid of ourselves, of our own truth, and our feelings most of all. We talk about how great the concepts of life and love are, but then we hide from both every day. We hide from our truest feelings. Because the truth is life and love hurt sometimes, and the feelings this brings disturbs us.

We are taught at an early age that all pain is evil and harmful. Yet, how can we ever deal with real life and true love if we’re afraid to feel what we really feel? We need to feel pain, just as we need to feel alive and loved. Pain is meant to wake us up. Yet we try to hide our pain. Realize this. Pain is something to carry willingly, just like good sense. Because you can only learn how strong you are when being strong is the only choice you have.

It’s all in how you carry the things that don’t go your way. That’s what matters in the end. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you – your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting the lies of insecurity destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel pain – to endure it – to own your scars – to deal with the realities of life and love, as you grow into the strongest, wisest, truest version of yourself.

2. Mindset is half the battle.

人生犹如一场战役，心态决定一半战局。

It’s okay to have down days and tough times. Expecting life to be wonderful all the time is wanting to swim in an ocean in which waves only rise up and never come crashing down. However, when you recognize that the rising and crashing waves are part of the exact same ocean, you are able to let go and be at peace with the reality of these ups and downs. It becomes clear that life’s ups require life’s downs.

In other words, life isn’t perfect, but it sure is good. Our goal shouldn’t be to create a perfect life, but to live an imperfect life in radical amazement. To get up every morning and take a good look around in a way that takes nothing for granted. Everything is extraordinary. Every day is a gift. Never treat life casually. To be spiritual in any way is to be amazed in every way.

To paraphrase the poet Iain S. Thomas, “Do not let the pain of a situation make you hopeless. Do not let negativity wear off on you. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Even though others may disagree with you, take pride in the fact that you still know the world to be a beautiful place.”

Change your thoughts and you change your reality!

And mindset is especially powerful when it comes to accepting that…

3. Your biggest fears don’t really exist.

那些最令你害怕的事根本不存在。

When times are hard it can be difficult to follow your heart and take another step, but it’s a tragedy to let the lies of fear stop you. Although fear can feel overwhelming, and defeats more people than any other force in the world, it’s not as powerful as it seems. Fear is only as deep as your mind allows. You are still in control. So take control!

The key is to acknowledge your fear and directly address it. Fight hard to shine the light of your words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless, obscure darkness that you avoid, and perhaps even manage to briefly forget, you open yourself to future attacks from fear when you least expect it. Because you never truly faced the opponent who defeated you.

You CAN beat fear if you face it. Be courageous! And remember that courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid; courage means you don’t let fear stop you from moving forward with your life. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

4. You are growing through experience.

经一事长一智。酸甜苦辣是最好的老师。

Over time you will find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than you thought it was going to be; it’s just that the easy and the hard aren’t exactly the way you had anticipated, and don’t always occur when you expect them to. This isn’t a bad thing; it makes life interesting. With a positive attitude you will always be pleasantly surprised.

When you stop expecting things to be a certain way, you can appreciate them for what they are. Ultimately you will realize that life’s greatest gifts are rarely wrapped the way you expected.

Experience is what you get when your plans don’t go as planned, and experience is the most valuable commodity you own – it builds your strength.

You have the power to turn your wounds and worries into wisdom; you just have to do something about them. You have to accept what has happened and use what you’ve learned to step forward. Everything you’ve experienced has given you the upper hand for dealing with everything you have yet to experience. Realize this and set yourself free.

5. You can’t change situations you don’t take responsibility for.

如果你不担起责任，如果你不积极面对，如果你只知怪罪、逃避、推诿，问题将永远得不到解决。

Sigmund Freud once said, “Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.” Don’t let this be you. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you surrender power over that part of your life.

Make no mistake, in the end, the price of happiness IS responsibility. As soon as you stop making everyone and everything else responsible for your happiness, the happier you’ll be. If you’re unhappy now, it’s not someone else’s fault.

Ultimately, your happiness depends on your self-reliance – your unshakable willingness to take responsibility for your life from this moment forward, regardless of who had a hand in making it the way it is now. It’s about taking control of your present circumstances, thinking for yourself, and making a firm choice to choose differently. It’s about being the hero of your life, not the victim.

你的幸福取决于你的自主自立。取决于不管是谁导致了你现在的处境，从此刻起，你是否愿意为自己的人生负起全责。想要拥有幸福，你必须对当下情势有掌控力，独立思考，坚定抉择，不随波逐流。做人生的英雄，而不是受害者。

6. The present is all you really have to deal with.

当下才是你需要认真面对和体会的。把握住今天，珍惜眼前的每一分每一秒。

Life is not lived in some distant, imagined land of someday where everything is perfect. It is lived here and now, with the reality of the way things are. Yes, by all means you can work toward an idealized tomorrow. Yet to do so, you must successfully deal with the world as it is today.

Sometimes we avoid experiencing exactly where we are because we have developed a belief, based on past experiences, that it is not where we should be or want to be. But the truth is, where you are now is exactly where you need to be to get to where you want to go tomorrow. So appreciate where you are.

Your friends and family are too beautiful to ignore. Take a moment to remember how fortunate you are to be breathing. Take a look around, with your eyes earnestly open to the possibilities before you. Much of what you fear does not exist. Much of what you love is closer than you realize. You are just one brief thought away from understanding the blessing that is your life.

Happiness is a mindset that can only be designed into the present. It’s not a point in the future or a moment from the past; yet sadly, this misconception hurts the masses. So many young people seem to think all their happiness awaits them in the years ahead, while so many older people believe their best moments are behind them. Don’t be either of them. Don’t let the past and the future steal your present. (Read The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment.)

7. There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

生活中永远、永远、永远有值得感恩的事情。

Life is better when you’re smiling. Being positive in a negative situation is not naive; it’s a sign of leadership and strength. You’re doing it right when you have so much to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and appreciate your life instead.

当你笑口常开，你会发现生活变得更美好。以积极心态面对消极环境并不是幼稚的表现。相反，它是领导力和力量的展现。你完全有理由哭泣和抱怨，但是，你没有那样做。你笑对人生，感恩拥有的一切。

What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you were thankful for today?

Think of all the beauty that remains around you, see it and smile. Be thankful for all the small things in your life, because when you put them all together you will see just how significant they are. At the end of the day, it’s not happiness that makes us thankful, but thankfulness that makes us happy.

想想围绕在你生活周遭的美好的事物，凝视它，对它微笑。感恩平凡生活中的点点滴滴。当你把它们拼成一幅完整的图时，你将会发现，平凡中蕴藏的神奇。你要知道，是感恩的心让我们更容易感受幸福，而不是幸福了，才会感恩。

8. Great things take time.

幸福需要时间，一步一个脚印向着理想前进，不积跬步无以至千里。以愚公移山的精神，目标清晰，信念坚定，踏实努力，满怀信心。你推动的每一块石头，无论多小，都意味着你又向前迈进一步。

Instant results are rarely the best results. With patience, you can greatly expand your potential. If your desires were always fulfilled immediately, you would have nothing to look forward to. You would miss out on the joys of anticipation and progress.

Remember, patience is not about waiting; it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard for what you believe in. It’s the willingness to stay focused, confidently staking one small step at a time, knowing that the way you move a mountain is by moving one stone at a time. Every stone you move, no matter how small, is progress.

Bottom line: You deserve more than mere instant gratification. Value that arrives in an instant is often gone in an instant. Value that takes time and commitment to create often outlives its creator – YOU.

9. Other people cannot validate you.

不要在意别人的评价和期许。每个人对幸福人生的定义是不同的。做自己热爱的事，做美好的自己。

你不需成名成家，你不需珠光宝气。你不需要活在别人的注视里。生命本就珍贵，你只需相信自己的价值，对自己的梦想有信心。

When we’re struggling to achieve something important, sometimes we look to others to validate our progress. But the truth is, they can’t…

You are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, nor should you feel that others are here to live up to yours. Pave your own unique path. What success means to each of us is totally different. Success is ultimately about spending your life happily in your own way.

You don’t have to be flashy to be impressive. You don’t have to be famous to be significant. You don’t have to be a celebrity to be successful. You don’t need to be validated by anyone else. You are already valuable. You just need to believe in yourself and what you wish to achieve.

You can be quietly humble and still be amazingly effective. Just because people don’t fall at your feet and worship you, doesn’t mean you are a failure. Quiet success is just as sweet as loud, flamboyant success, and usually far more real. Success is how you define it, not what everyone else says it must be for you. (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)

10. You are not alone.

你并不是唯一一个遇到难题的人。世上有很多人和你一样，正面对艰难困苦，历经挫败。

In the midst of hard times, it’s easy to look around and see a bunch of people who seem to be doing just fine. But they’re not. We’re all struggling in our own way. And if we could just be brave enough to open up about it, and talk to each other, we’d realize that we are not alone in feeling lost and alone.

So many of us are fighting the same exact battle alongside you. We are all in this together. So no matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, know that there are others out there experiencing the same emotions. When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” it’s just your worried mind trying to sell you a lie. There’s always someone who can relate to you. Perhaps you can’t immediately talk to them, but they are out there.

If you’re feeling desperate right now, hear me: I often feel and think and struggle much like you do. I care about many of the things you care about, just in my own way. And although some people do not understand us, we understand each other. YOU are not alone!

Afterthoughts

One of life’s greatest gifts is the fact that life is difficult. Because in dealing with life’s difficulties, we build invaluable strength. This strength enables us to successfully fulfill our deepest, most meaningful purposes. It is precisely because life is difficult that we are able to make it great. It is because life is difficult that we are able to rise above the difficulties. We are able to make a difference and we are able to truly matter.

生活送给我们最宝贵的一样礼物是让我们明白一个道理：人生不易。感谢这份礼物，因为它让我们变得坚韧顽强。

So remember this…

When times are tough, you must be tougher. Don’t pray for an easy life; pray for the strength to endure a tough one that leads to greatness.

艰难时刻，你必须更勇敢、更坚强。

-- 阅读笔记、编译