读书笔记（四）—《一个陌生女人的来信》

My boy who died yesterday was yours too. He was your son, the child of one of those three nights. I was yours, and yours only from that time untill the hour of his birth. 昨晚死去的男孩是你的儿子，对，就是你我共度的三个晚上，我便有了这个孩子。 我是你的，从那时起直到他出生的时刻。 You will wonder why I never told you of this boy, and why, having hept silence throughout the long years. I only tell you of him now, when he lies in his last sleep, about to leave me for all time-never, never to return. 你肯定想为什么这些年我保持沉默，没有告诉你我们有这个孩子。 而是选择在他陷入最后的沉睡并将永远离开不会再回到我身边的时候告诉你（我们有一个孩子） Never would you have believed that I, the nameless partner in a chance encounter, had been faithful to you, the unfaithful. You would never, without misgiving, have accepted the boy as your own. 你恐怕不会相信一个偶然相遇的女子对一个不忠诚的你如此忠诚吧。你也绝不会毫无疑虑的就接受他确实是你的孩子。【风流浪子遇上痴情女】 Even if, to all appearance, you have trusted my words, you would still have cherished the serect supicion that I have seized an opportunity of fathering upon you, a man of means, the child of another lover. 即使表面上你相信了我的话，你仍然会私下怀疑，我抓住了机会硬让你这个有钱人做孩子的父亲，而他有可能是我另一个情人的孩子。【不忠诚人往往也认为别人跟他一样的不忠诚】 There would always have been a shadow of mistrust between you and me. I could not have borne it. 这会埋下我们之间不信任的种子。我承受不了。 It would have been repugnant to you to find yourself suddenly in position of father, to be made reponsible, all at once, for a child's destiny. The breath of freedom is the breath of life to you, and you would have felt me to be a tie. （你这种游戏人间的人）突然成为一位父亲，并为一个小孩的命运的负责，这对你来说是很厌恶的事情。 你会觉得我是一个束缚，毕竟自由对你来说如生命一般重要。 【爱上一个不回家的人，唉，爱情是浪漫的，但生活是需要责任心的】 I would rather take the whole burden on myself than be a burden to you. 我宁愿独自承担这份责任，也不愿意你为这责任所束缚。【一厢情愿为爱付出】 I want to be the one among all women you had intimately known of whom you would never think except love and thankful. 我想自己成为你所钟情过的女人中你怀着爱情和感激思念的那一个。 You forgot me. I am not accusing you. Believe me，I am not complaining. （你不仅不会思念我）还早已忘记我。 我不是要责备你，相信我，我没有抱怨你。 【痛失爱子，还微微哀求。这份爱是有多卑微，卑微至尘土，但开不出花来。】 You must forgive me if for a moment, now and again, it seems as if my pen had been dipped in gall. 你一定要原谅我，如果有那么一会儿，我的笔浸染了一丝恨意。【笔墨染恨，难道不是因为人心不甘?】 You must forgive me, for my boy, our boy, lies dead there beneath the flickering candles. I have clenched my fists against God, and I have called him a murderer, for I have been almost beside myself with grief. 你一定要原谅我，因为我的孩子，我们的孩子，他死了，躺在摇曳的烛光中。 我握紧拳头，对上帝说“你这个谋杀者！”因为我悲伤得几乎发狂。【可怜的母亲】 Anyone may have of yours as much as lie can grasp with both hands. And yet, I must own, your kindliness works sluggishly. （因为你的善意是无边界的）所以每个人都可以从你那里得到帮助，要多少给多少。可是，我要说，你的善心是迟缓的、不主动的。【极致的了解让你止步不前，不愿意卑微的寻求他的帮助】

Once, when I was still a child, I watched through the judas in our door how you gave something to beggar who had rung your bell.

You gave quickly and freely, almost before he spoke.

But There was a certain nervousness and haste in your manner, as if your chief concern were to be speedily rid of him, you seemed to be afraid to meet his eyes. I have never forgotten this uneasy and timid way of giving help, this shunnig of a word of thanks.

That is Why I never turned to you in My difficulty. 曾经在我小时候，我通过门上的猫眼你如何施舍了一些东西给按你门铃的乞讨者。在他开口之前，你飞快的给了东西，但你的举止中带有一丝紧张和匆忙，你害怕看到他的眼睛，只是为了赶紧打发他离开。我从没忘记这种不安而胆怯的帮助方式，甚至都没有耐心听完一声谢谢。 这就是我为什么在我困难的时候没有想你求助的原因。（因为你不是出自内心去真心助人，而是有人找你，你才被动的施舍一下）【越爱一个人，越了解一个人，便不愿意放弃最后的自尊去卑微的祈求的吧，这已是她最后的一点尊严，最后的一点坚持吧】 You would have offered me a comfort and have given me money, an ample supply of money, but always with masked impatience, a secret desire to shake off trouble. I even Believe that you would have advised me to rid myself of the coming child. This was what I dreaded above all, for I know that I should do whatever you wanted. But the child was all in all to me. （如果当初我求助于你）你肯定会给我安慰，给我钱，足够多的钱，但这些帮助都会带着一种不耐烦，不过是掩饰内心想要摆脱麻烦的渴望。 我甚至相信你会叫我打掉这个孩子。这才是我最害怕的，因为我知道但凡你要求的，我一定会应允。但这个孩子他是我的全部啊。【好想说这个男的是渣男，但这一切又是女主自己赶上去的，只能说作者太自恋了】