英译中：妈妈可以不完美

Even armed with a Ph.D. in developmental psychology, I remember the frightening first moments after bringing my newborn daughter home from the hospital. I wasn’t sure what to do—and not at all confident that I was capable of being the parent she needed me to be. Every little decision about feeding and caring for this helpless human seemed momentous and fraught with anxiety. What if I don’t make it a full year of breastfeeding? Should I turn off the TV whenever she is in the room to avoid passive screen exposure? Is it OK for her to enter full-time day care at five months?

Popular press accounts of parenting and child development research were not particularly helpful, either. Even though as a scientist I knew better, the way the research was translated for the public lacked nuance and easily penetrated my vulnerable state of mind. I fretted that my daughter’s formula consumption would result in lower IQ. I worried that if I was too tired to read to her one evening before bed, she would never learn to read. And, since she’s started elementary school, I have slipped numerous times and called her “smart” instead of more appropriately praising her effort, as so many articles advise.

My personal experiences as a parent are in part why I study the experiences of other parents. In my New Parents Project, an ongoing longitudinal study of nearly 200 dual-earner couples who welcomed their first children in 2008-2009, I have tried to measure this “parenting perfectionism”—that is, holding oneself to impossibly high standards for parenting, and, perhaps even more important, believing that others hold you to impossibly high standards for parenting.

Pressure to be perfect

Mothers—even those in dual-earner families—not only bear the brunt of parenting responsibilities, but also experience the strongest pressure to be perfect parents.

In the latter half of the 20th century, at the same time mothers entered the workforce in greater numbers, norms for mothering evolved toward an “intensive mothering” ideal. This norm dictates that mothers’ parenting should be time-consuming, emotionally absorbing and guided by expert advice. This pressure is particularly intense for middle-class mothers, who may practice a childrearing style called concerted cultivation, an approach identified by Annette Laureau in the early 2000s. This style focuses on deliberately providing children with experiences and activities that will help them develop their intellectual and social skills.

Striving for perfection can harm parenting

The quest to be a “perfect” mother may actually harm a mother’s parenting. In my lab’s research on new parents, we found that mothers showed less confidence in their parenting abilities when they were more worried about what other people thought about their parenting.

The popularity of social media has likely exacerbated this phenomenon because parents can look at what other parents are doing—even in ostensibly private moments—and judge themselves in comparison. In fact, recent research has linked greater Facebook use to feelings of depression due to the way individuals tend to compare themselves to others. In my own research, when we asked new parents about their Facebook use, mothers who were more frequent visitors to the site and who managed their accounts more frequently reported higher levels of parenting stress.

The irony is that in seeking perfection in parenting, parents are less likely to actually parent effectively. Worrying about what others think of their parenting saps mothers’ confidence, leading them to experience parenting as less enjoyable and more stressful. When faced with inevitable parenting challenges, mothers with lower confidence and more parenting stress give up more quickly.

So what does a “good” parent look like?

There may be disagreement among child development experts about issues such as screen time or sleep routines, but there is striking agreement about the key elements of “good” parenting, even if consensus is less likely to make headlines than the latest parenting controversy.

Good parenting has a lot more to do with the “how” than the “what.” Good parents are those who are sensitive to their children’s needs, and “in tune” with their children such that they are able to adjust their parenting as children develop and desire greater independence. Children thrive when their parents are consistent, warm, hold high expectations for children’s behavior, explain the reasons behind their rules and negotiate when appropriate.

Greater stress about parenting further depletes parents’ psychological resources, which may in turn affect their ability to adapt to the changing needs of their children and regulate their own emotions and behavior when parenting their children.

In other words, when you lack confidence and feel chronically stressed about parenting, it is hard to be sensitive, warm and consistent. You are more likely to yell when you intended to explain calmly to your toddler to stop banging her plate on the table for the millionth time. You may find yourself mentally “checked out” when your baby looks at you and gurgles or when your tween wants to tell you all about the latest Disney channel sitcom. You may give in to your preschooler’s endless demands for more Pokemon cards.

So don’t sweat the small stuff. Be aware that what other mothers post on Facebook may not represent the reality of their parenting experiences any more than it represents yours. View the latest sensational headline about parenting with a skeptical eye. On Mother’s Day this year, the best gift you can give yourself and your children may be permission to be imperfect.

即使拥有发展心理学的博士学位，我还是清楚的记得我把刚出生的女儿从医院接回家头几个月的情形。我不知道该做什么，也没有信心自己有能力成为她需要我成为的那个家长。喂养和照料这个无助的人类，任何一个小小的决定似乎都无比重大，也令我倍感焦虑。要是我没办法做到一整年的母乳喂养呢？是不是她只要在房间我就该关掉电视，以避免被动屏幕暴露呢？可以在她五个月大的时候把她送去全天候托管吗？

大众媒体对育儿和儿童发展研究的科普也没起到太多作用。就算作为一个科学家我懂得更多些，但科学研究被翻译为大众能理解的语言的同时，很多细微差异被抹平，这些粗略结论也很容易击穿我脆弱的心理状态。我焦躁我女儿喝的配方奶可能导致低智商，我烦恼我哪怕有一天累的没做到睡前亲子阅读，她就再也不想读书了。而且，女儿已经上小学了，我好多次不小心夸她“聪明”，而没有像那么多文章都建议过的那样夸她“努力”。

我作为一个家长的个人经历是我去研究其他家长经历的一部分原因。我有一个“新家长计划”，对近200对第一个孩子在2008-2009年出生的双职工家庭进行了持续纵向研究，我试图测量这种“育儿完美主义”（Parenting Perfectionism），即，用不可能达成的高育儿标准去逼迫自己，而且，可能更为重要的是，相信其他人在用不可能达成的高育儿标准去逼迫你。

变得完美的压力

妈妈们，甚至是那些在双职工家庭中的妈妈们，不仅承担了大部分育儿责任，也体验着要成为完美家长的最大压力。

在20世纪后半叶，在大量妈妈们进入职场的同时，成为妈妈的标准规范也在朝着“加强妈妈养育”（intensive mothering）的方向进化。这个标准规范命令妈妈的养育应该耗费大量时间，在情感上耗费心神，而且要听从专家意见。这种压力对中产阶层的妈妈们尤为巨大，这些妈妈们可能实行的Annette Laureau在21世纪初所发现的协作教育(Concerted Cultivation)方法。这种育儿方式关注于为孩子提供体验和活动，帮助他们发展智力和社交技能。

为完美而努力会反过来伤害育儿

追求成为一个“完美”妈妈的，实际上可能使妈妈的育儿过程伤痕累累。我们对新父母的研究中发现，如果妈妈担心其他人对自己的育儿怎么看，那么她们对自己的育儿能力就表现得不那么自信。

社交媒体的普及可能也加剧了这种现象，因为家长们能看到其他父母在做什么（甚至有些表面上是私人时光），并开始结合自己进行比较。事实上，近来有研究表明，使用Facebook越多，越容易抑郁，因为人们容易将自己和他人进行比较。在我自己研究里，我们询问了新父母们的Facebook使用情况，访问这个网站的频率更高、管理自己Facebook账户更频繁的妈妈们表示自己受到的育儿压力也更大。

讽刺的是，在努力寻求完美育儿的过程里，父母们不太可能做到有效育儿。担心别人怎么看待自己的育儿方式，这让妈妈的信心受挫，让她们的育儿体验不那么开心，也更有压力。面对不可避免的育儿挑战时，信心程度较低、压力较大的妈妈们更快地就放弃了。

那么一个“好”父母看起来是什么样的呢？

对看电子屏幕时间或者睡前仪式之类的问题，儿童发展学方面的专家可能意见不一，但他们对于“好”父母的关键要素惊人地保持了一致意见，不过就是比起最新的育儿争议，专家意见统一不太可能成为吸引人的标题。

好父母更多的是关于“怎么做的”（how），而不是“做了什么”（what）。好父母是那些对孩子的需求很敏感的父母，和孩子“协调一致”，因此能随着孩子成长，在孩子想要更多独立空间的时候对自己的育儿方式进行调整。如果父母有很好的一致性、能提供温暖、对孩子行为抱有高期待、把自己给孩子定的规矩讲明白原因、在适当的时候能和孩子商量，孩子就会茁壮成长。

巨大的育儿压力进一步耗尽了父母的心理资源，而父母的状态又让他们不能随孩子不断变化的成长需要进行调整适应，也不能在育儿中管理自己的情绪和行为。

换言之，当你对于育儿缺乏信心、长期对育儿倍感压力的时候，你很难做到敏感、温暖和一致。在学步时期宝宝第一百万次用她的盘子敲打桌面的时候，你本来想冷静地跟她解释为什么不可以这样，但实际上你更可能在大喊大叫。在你的宝宝看着你咯咯笑，或者你的十几岁娃想告诉你最新的迪士尼频道情景剧的时候，你可能发现自己心不在焉。在你的学龄前宝宝无数次要求你购买更多宝可梦卡片的时候，你也更可能妥协。

所以不要为一点点小事担心。要明白，其他妈妈在Facebook上发的帖并不代表她们真实的育儿经历，就像你自己发的贴也不代表那就是你的全部育儿经历。用怀疑的目光去看待最近很耸人听闻的育儿标题。在今年的母亲节，你能给你自己和孩子最好的礼物也许就是，允许自己不完美。

英文出处： https://www.gaffneyledger.com/articles/mothers-day-insight/