『我爱天雷』[翻译]剑八和小8600互换身体文
主题是剑八和小8600因为涅茧利的药而互换身体，搞笑，天雷，某人形象极度崩坏，慎进，如有不满请回贴讨论，谢绝菜刀板砖擀面杖斩魄刀及决斗书。
翻文之前我看了两集日和，文中若出现“闪瞎”“牙灭蝶”等原版肯定不会有的语句，不要怀疑，都是因为翻译闹不住了。
警告：千万不要企图想象其中的任何场景…否则，你会囧死的…
『来自』fanfiction.net
『原题』Kenpachi Wants Cookies
『作者』RabiSheep
作者的话：
瞅瞅我脑子里都是些什么玩意儿啊……这是某天晚上想到的，我觉得可以写个挺口耐的小故事，希望大家喜欢，记得回复！
粉红的头发，笑声和小小的脚步声，野性笑容和刺猬头，这是一个诡异的组合，大男人跟着小萝莉，小萝莉握着带鞘的无名斩魄刀。剑八跟在飞奔的八千流后面，穿过迷宫般的瀞灵廷房屋，离他自己的地盘越来越远。在剑八想起自己迷路了之前，粉发的傻孩子在前面笑了，他怒火冲天地跟上。
“嘿嘿，你抓不到我，小剑~~”
“八千流，把我的刀还回来。”大多数人在耍宝的八千流面前都会抓狂，剑八的声音还是很温和。她跳上旁边一座房子的屋顶，剑八跟上，但她马上消失。他一边骂，一边从踩碎的屋瓦中拔出脚来，他听见她往反方向逃跑时的笑声。
“死小鬼，真要命！”剑八叹气，加速追了上来，八千流停在一幢房子前面，看着墙上写着的“科学”等等字眼，剑八一个猛扑，下一秒，她让开，他迎面撞穿了……墙。
“人家也要玩嘛，小剑！”剑八躺在一堆碎砖烂瓦中间，八千流跳到他的胸膛上。
倒霉的涅茧利。他正在沉思，那个蠢蛋队长剑八和他的副官八千流居然撞进来，把实验用品碰掉一地。打翻的药水和粉末到处都是，在地上汇成五颜六色冒泡的小池塘，跟墙上的碎砖混到一起。有一瞬间，变态科学家呆坐在那里，被这俩人的突然袭击闪瞎了。
“好好玩啊！”八千流踩着剑八胸膛跳上跳下。
就在两人头顶，碰倒的架子上放着一瓶蓝色药水，贴着“警告，极度危险，禁止触碰（就是叫你丫，阿近！）”的标签。瓶子在两人头顶之上摇晃着，涅茧利盯着它，祈祷着它不要掉下来，他几个月的心血可不能白费啊。瓶子正在架子边缘跳舞。
“牙灭蝶！”涅茧利尖叫出声，但已经晚了，瓶子掉下来，在空中翻着筋斗，剑八和八千流都抬起头望着它，药瓶砸在萝莉的大头上，两人都溅了一身药水，一团巨大的蓝云升起，把他们吞没了。变态科学家看着药水云散去，留下惊呆的两人坐在原地。
剑八惊讶地看着……他自己。他在照镜子吗？镜子里的影像不会露出牙齿回应他，也不会发出小女孩样的咯咯笑声，他低头看去，眼睛睁得老大，他变小了！实际上，他此时的身体就像……
“八千流……”他低声说，看着小小的双手。
涅茧利一拳砸在桌子上。
“我勒个槽！我正在研究，你们两个白痴突然闯进来，我花了好几个月时间做成的灵药，都泼到你们身上了！那是灵魂互换的药，能把灵魂转入其他人的身体。好，剑八，你的灵魂在八千流的身体里，而且我没有解药！”
剑八和八千流呆呆地望着满脸油彩的男人，这是第一次，两人都说不出话来。
小萝莉身体里的剑八嘟囔了一句很不萝莉的话，对着BT科学家冷笑。
“那你就快点造解药出来，明天晚上队长开会，我必须得去。”
可爱萝莉的声线，突然发出这种命令的口气，感觉很诡异。男人身体里的八千流在兴致盎然地挖鼻孔，一无所获。
“我命令你们现在就走，你们在这里闹，我根本没法干活。”涅茧利挥手把两人赶跑，走进另一个房间去了。
“八千流”跳下他的“前”胸膛，拣起刀，走出墙洞之前，他命令道：
“八千流，回你的房间，等我，或者那个变态科学家队长叫你，我要去干活了。”
一角和弓亲刀刃相交，正在对练，铿锵声响彻整个训练场。突然两人都停下了，看着朝他们走来的，“八千流”的小小身体。
“继续打！”她以队长大人的语气命令道。
“哦……好。”一角结巴着，朝弓亲攻去，粉发的女孩坐在草地上，专心地看着他们，感觉真的好诡异。
另一边，剑八身体里的八千流正在独自跑跑跳跳，早就忘记了他的伙伴嘱咐的话。
她/他咯咯地笑。
“在小剑的身体里好好玩啊！我现在先做什么呢？”
（翻译：要是我就冲回队舍，脱光了照镜子……嗯？怎么都用这种眼光看我）
“剑八”一面说，一面跳过众多围观的死神，围观群众们呆呆地看着高大的男人。
“我知道了！我要去找四眼（翻译：不知道8600管蓝染叫什么啊，四眼是我瞎取的……）！”八千流叫道，蹦蹦跳跳地朝蓝染的队舍跑去。
对蓝染惣右介来说，这是平凡的一天，他正在谋划颠覆瀞灵廷和不久之后的叛变。他跪坐在桌子旁边，安静地批阅文件，突然传来一阵令人不安的熟悉笑声，还有奔跑的声音。
毫无预兆地，蓝染右边的墙上开了个大洞，他呆坐在原地，笔还停在写了一半的文件上。等烟尘落地，一个凤梨头的男人身影显现出来。有一秒钟蓝染吓到了，以为另一个队长发现了他的叛变图谋，要来干掉他。
“啊！这地方真是一团糟！”“剑八”走了进来，好像这是自己家一样。“四眼你有没有听过蓬头眼镜男的笑话？”
蓝染差点倒地，但还是保持镇定。
“剑八，你知不知道门是干什么用的？”他站起来，拍掉裤子上的灰尘。
“这是干什么用的？”“剑八”指着旁边架子上的一个水晶仙鹤雕塑。
“别碰！”
蓝染冲过来抢救，但仙鹤已经掉到了地上，成了无数碎片。
“哎呀。”“剑八”一点也不为此感到抱歉，他一笑，跑过来看蓝染的文件。
“让我也画一画嘛！”他抢过笔，在蓝染辛苦填好的手稿上画起小动物来。
“剑八，住手！”眼镜男从更大的男人手掌中抢过笔。
“剑八”转过眼神，叹了口气。“你从来没让我开心过，我讨厌你！”
“你出什么毛病了，更木队长？你还闹得住——别冲我做鬼脸！”
“剑八”朝着蓝染吐舌头，把唾沫吐在他发眼镜上，叛变的蓝染大人把镜子摘下来慢慢擦干净，囧。
突然高大的男人表情变得紧张起来，两膝交叉。
“现在又怎么啦？”蓝染恼火地问。
“我要嘘嘘。”
（翻译：犹豫了半天，终于用了最符合原文也最囧的一种翻译……请注意，跟蓝染说话的那个人是八千流！八千流！觉得八爷形象崩了的人别杀我啊啊啊啊）
“五番的厕所在大厅后面，随便用。”
“剑八”瞬步跑出房间，高大的男人冲进女厕关上门，许多女生满脸惊恐尖叫着跑了出来，几分钟后“剑八”红着脸走出来，雏森桃站在水池边，下巴脱臼地看着“十一番队长”在女厕里洗手，然后欢快地跑了出去。“剑八”走掉之后，雏森对镜盯着自己的倒影。
“下次我再也不跟松本出去喝酒了。”
在瀞灵廷更安静的一个角落，“八千流”在教导十一番队员斩术，教了几个小时新兵如何握刀之后已经是剑八平时吃饭的时间，她饿了。
“小子们，我快饿死了，跟我出去找点吃的吧？”萝莉身体里的剑八伸了个懒腰，小手揉着小小的肚子。
在这样一个平常的晚上，一角、弓亲跟粉发萝莉同坐在一家拉面店里，感觉很诡异。俩人被她消灭一碗碗拉面的速度吓了一跳，那完全是他们老大的野兽派架势，很快所有的老客都开始打赌，她会不会吐出来，在第五碗的时候小萝莉停了下来。
周围一片欢呼。“八千流”无视他们，跳下凳子，走进男厕。围观群众纷纷表示不解。
“我们该告诉她进错厕所了吗？”弓亲偷偷对他的伙伴说。
“不用，她最好自己吸取教训。”一角边吃边说。
一看到小萝莉来了，厕所里众人赶紧提上裤子。
“出去，这是男洗手间！”一个人喊起来了，大错特错。
小萝莉看向那个朝她喊叫的人，房间里灵压瞬间从零暴涨到足以碾碎骨头，他跪在地上，艰难地呼吸。
“小子，想跟我玩玩？”“八千流”带着恐怖的笑容，低声说。地上的男人浑身发抖。
“我是说，这洗手间是您的，您想干什么就干什么，小姐！”
“好！”灵压消失，小萝莉走进一个单间。
朽木白哉想把那个大个子家伙赶走，但只成功把“剑八”摔到地上，他坐在“剑八”胸口上，指着他。
“你还闹得住吗？更木队长？”白哉喊道：“你先是企图坐在我肩上，然后你塞给我一根沾着唾沫的棒糖，现在你又想拥抱我，给我走开！”
“可你是我的朋友啊，大白~~”
“我不是你的朋友！我只是你的同事而已！我不喜欢你！”
（翻译：虽然不支持白剑，可这段话怎么看怎么有种傲娇的味道……）
白哉吓呆了，看到“剑八”眼里出现液体，“更木队长”抽了抽鼻子，一次，两次，三次，下唇颤抖。
“苍天啊！”白哉坐在哭泣的男人胸膛上扶额，然后“剑八”像个小女孩一样大哭起来，宽阔的胸膛一起一伏。
他推开白哉，朝门口走去。
“剑八，你不应该这样离开的。”
“剑八”站住了，但什么都没有说。
“你讨厌我。”他喃喃地说，凤梨头垂得很低。
“我不讨厌你。”
“你就是。”
“我真的不讨厌你，更木剑八。”
（翻译：这段暧昧的……）
“剑八”转过头来看着白哉，眼里是极大的悲伤。
“那你为什么不承认你是我的朋友？”
“因为我还没有告诉你，别哭了，你想吃点东西吗？”白哉握住了“剑八”的手。
“剑八”抽噎着点头。
“你要什么呢？”
“……饼干。”
“我会叫人来送的。”
“还有一杯牛奶。”
“当然。”
“还有冰激凌！”
“没问题。”
涅茧利转向坐在实验室里的两人，面容凶恶的彪形大汉和小萝莉，变态科学家拿着一瓶冒着气泡，散发酸味的蓝药水，他把药水倒进两只金属杯子里，递给“剑八”和“八千流”。
“你们的灵魂会回到原来的身体里。”
“八千流”看了看他/她的杯子，把它举向天花板：“妈的，我等不及要回自己的皮囊了！”她边说，边把杯子里的药水一饮而尽。
“剑八”尝了一小口，对那恶心的味道做了个鬼脸，但还是把杯子喝空了。涅茧利充满兴致地看着一阵烟雾腾起，充满房间，然后消失。
“哦，感觉怎么样？”
剑八低头看着自己的身体，然后笑了。
“变态，你总算把我给治好了！”他跳下椅子，八千流笑着窜上他的肩膀，两人飞奔出房间跑向未知的未来，变态科学家叹了口气，让阿瑞和阿近来处理实验室墙上，俩人撞出的第二个洞。
（翻译：原文这里的对话很生动，与剑八的个性相当吻合，翻译无能，不能还原原文，请多多原谅了）
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5405546/1/Kenpachi_Wants_Cookies
Oh dear look what the demons in my mind have churned out now. This came to me one night and I thought It would make a cute little story. I hope you find it amusing. If you do drop me a review!
-RabiSheep
Bubblegum giggles and pattering footfalls. A feral grin and hair spiked like a porcupine. They made an odd couple to be certain, this grown man and tender child who run through the Serieti with the smaller one in the lead. In her hands she holds the name less sword safely locked away in its sheath as the man follows her impossible speed through the maze-like structures that take him far from his own squads area. Before he knows it he is lost yet still the pink haired goof giggles and keeps running with him blazing after her.
"~Hehe You cant catch me, Ken-chaaaaan!~" She teases in a tone that speaks of ponies and sparkly stickers and rainbows.
"Gimmie my zanpaktou back, Yachiru." Fatherly voice still patient with her antics where most people would have gone crazy. She leaps onto the roof of a nearby building and he jumps after but in a flash she is gone. Cursing as he plunges into the tiles of the roof he tries to stop his body from destroying the building. He hears her giggling as she takes off the opposite direction.
"That lil brat is gonna be the death of me." He laments and runs after her. The large man picks up speed when she stands in front of a building looking up at the words saying something about science or something like that. He pounces at her but she moves at the last second and he bursts through the wall.
"~I want to play, too! Ken-Chaaaaannnn!~" She leaps onto his chest and sits on him as he lies in a pile of rubble inside the building.
Poor Mayuri. He had been just sitting there minding his own business when that oaf captain Kenpachi and his sidekick Yachiru bursts through the wall and throw his experiments everywhere. Chemicals and powders are thrashed around and lie in bubbling puddles of every color across the room to mix with the rubble of the broken wall. For a moment the scientist just sits there blinking at the sudden intrusion.
"This game is FUUUUUUUNNNN!" Yachiru squees and bounces up and down on Kenpachi's chest.
Above their heads on a now lopsided shelf teeters a blue chemical in a glass vial labeled "Caution: Very dangerous. Do not touch! (That means you Akon)". The vial wobbles on the edge directly above the groaning Kenpachi and laughing Yachiru. Mayuri's lock with it and he pleads it not to fall off, months of dedicated research to make it which he had just finished last night were about to go to waste. It wobbles closer to the edge as if doing a beautiful dance.
"Please...! NO!" He screams but its to late. The vial drops off the shelf and does a slow motion somersault as it tumbles down to where both Kenpachi and Yachiru stopping their noises for a brief second to look up at the falling object. It smashes on the girl's thick skull and splatters them both in the liquid before a giant blue cloud of smoke springs up to swallow them inside it. He stares at the cloud as it slowly fades leaving a very stunned looking couple sitting there.
Kenpachi stares in horror as he looks at...himself. Is he looking in a mirror? No a mirror reflection of himself would not be grinning back at him and giggling like a little girl. Looking down his eyes widen as he finds his body is MUCH smaller then it was a few moments before, matter of fact he looked a lot like...
"Yachiru..." He mutters looking down at his small hands.
Mayuri slams his fists down on the table top.
"CURSES!"
"That elixir you idiots just bathed yourselves in was one of had worked MONTHS on! It's a spirit switching one that changes the spirits into another persons body so before you even ask Yes, Kenpachi you are in Yachiru's body. And NO I have not yet made an antidote for it, yet. I was working on that when you two burst in here."
Kenpachi and Yachiru stare at the man with the painted face, each equally silent for the first time..ever.
Kenpachi in the girl's body grunts a very ungirly grunt and sneers at the scientist.
"Well you had better make one fast because I have to be at that captains meeting tomorrow night."
That commanding tone sounds so strange in that pretty-in-pink voice. Yachiru in the man's body picks her nose, always having wandered what took place inside his nose. Surprisingly no boogers.
"I suggest you leave now as I cannot possibly work with such distractions such as you pestering me here." Mayuri dismisses them with a wave of his hand then turns to stalk into another room. Kenpachi climbs off his former chest and picks up his sword before walking out the hole he had created.
"Yachiru go back to your room and wait for me or that scientist captain to come get you. I have to go do some work."
Ikkaku and Yumichika cross blades in the training yard, the clang of metal on metal rings loud through the area as the dance a deadly waltz together. Suddenly they both stop and look at the small form of Yachiru that had wandered alone towards them.
"Keep fighting!" She orders them in a tone much like their captain's.
"Uh...okay." Ikkaku stutters and attacks Yumi. The pink haired girl sits in the grass and watches them with interest so strong its strange to see it in the usually silly child.
Else where...
Yachiru in Kenpachi's body skips along, having long forgotten the order to go back to her quarters. She/he giggles.
"Ken-chan's body is fun to play around in! I wonder what I should do first?"
Zaraki says as he skips past many staring shinigami that stand gawking at the giant man.
"Ooohhh I know! I'll pay glasses man a visit!" Kenpachi squeals and bounces towards Aizen's squad's quarters, always fun messing with him.
For Sosuke Aizen it's a typical quite day plotting the demise of the Soul Society and his betrayal of that is soon to come. He kneels at his desk quietly filling out captain's forms and finishing his days paper work when out side he hears a disturbingly familiar laugh and the sound of coming large running.
With out warning a large explosion obliterates the wall to Aizen's right. He remains kneeling there still in shock with his pen half way to the now ash covered paper as the dust begins to settle to reveal a spiked haired man standing there. For a second panic floods through Aizen as he begins to wonder if the other captain had figured out his coming betrayal and had come to finished him. Kenpachi meets Aizens gaze and for a moment the two glare at each other.
"Wow this place is a MESS!" Zaraki walks in and looks around as if he owned the room. "Aint you ever heard of something called a mop, glasses-man?"
Aizen nearly falls over in relief but he keeps his composure, as usual.
"Have you ever heard of using a door, Kenpachi?" He counters as he stands up to dust off his pants.
"What's this do?" Zaraki pokes a crystal sculpture of a crane on a nearby shelf.
"Don't touch that!"
Aizen lunges for it as it calls to the floor, but to late as it shatters into a trillion pieces.
"Oops." Kenpachi does not look one bit sorry as he grins and bounces over to see the paper Aizen had been working on before the explosion.
"Ah I wanna draw, too!" He takes the pin and scribbles some cartoon animals on it all over the carefully filled out script.
"He stop that, Kenpachi!" The glasses wearing man snatches the pin out of the larger, mans hands. Kenpachi sighs and rolls his eyes.
"You never let me have ANY fun! I HATE you!"
"What has gotten into you Captain Zaraki? Are you sic- Hey don't stick you tongue out at me!"
Kenpachi blows a raspberry in Aizen's face, spraying his glasses with drops of spit. Slowly the soon to be traitor takes off his spectacles and wipes them on his robe. Lovely.
Suddenly the taller man's face grows strained, as if in pain and he crosses his knees together in a sort of squirming dance.
"What is it now?" Aizen asks with an exasperated sigh.
"I have to tinkle."
"The squad bathrooms are down that hall. Please feel free to use them."
With that in mind Kenpachi flash-steps out of the ruined room and bursts into the girls bathroom. Many frightened girls scream and run out with looks of priceless terror on their faces as the tall man runs into a stall and closes the door. A few minuets later there is a lady-like flush and Kenpachi steps up to the sinks to wash his hands. Nanao stands at the sink beside him staring with her jaw slack as the captain of the eleventh squad casually washes then dries his hands in the girls bathroom then skips out merrily on his way. As he leaves she looks at her reflection in the mirror.
"Never again will I go drinking with Kyoraku."
On the more peaceful side of the Soul Society Yachiru instructs squad members on their fighting style. After hours of teaching these brats how to hold a sword she gets hungry around the time Kenpachi usually had dinner.
"MMAAAANNN, I'm half-starved. You guys want to go get some food somewhere?" Kenpachi in the girl's body rubs his tiny belly and stretches out his arms.
She and Ikkaku as well as Yumichika settle to go to a noodle place even tho they find it weird to be having such a normal evening with the pink haired girl. As they eat they are stunned to see her putting away bowl after bowl of steaming food at such a pace they had only witness Kenpachi doing. Soon all the patrons in the restaurant begin betting on when she is going to barf from eating so much. Near he fifth bowl she stops then sets down her bowl.
The crowd cheers. Ignoring them she hops off her stool and walks to the mens bathroom as the group of onlookers look on in confusion.
"Should we tell her she is going in the wrong bathroom?" Yumichika whispers to his companion.
"Naw, better for her to learn on her own." Ikkaku says whilst slurping down some noodles.
Inside the bathroom men standing at the urinals hastily pull up their pants as to not 'expose' themselves to the wandering little girl.
"Get out of here! This a BOYS restroom!" One of the men shouts at her. Big mistake.
The spiritual pressure in the room jumps from next to nothing to bone crushing in an instant as slowly the small girl looks up at the man who had shouted at her. He now kneels on the floor while trying to catch his breath.
"You wanna run that by me again, son?" Yachiru growls with a feral grin. The man is clearly afraid, he whimpers and shakes in fear.
"I said 'the bathroom is yours, do what you want to in it, miss'!"
"Good!" Instantly the pressure is let up and the girl walks inside a stall.
Byakuya Kuchiki attempts to shove the large man off him, but only manages in wrestling him to the ground. He sits on Kenpachi's chest and pins him.
"What has gotten into you, Captain Zaraki?" He all but yells. "First you try to sit on my shoulder then you offer me a slobbery sucker, now you keep trying to hug me! CUT IT OUT!"
"But you're my frrriiieeennnndddd, Baka-chan!"
"I am not you FRIEND! I am you co-worker and nothing more! I don't even like you that much!"
Byakuya stare in horror as Kenpachi's eyes begin to mist then fill with water. Zaraki sniffs, one, twice, three times with his bottom lip trembling.
"Oh for heaven's sake." The dark haired one rubs his forehead with one hand while sitting on the chest of the whimpering man. That is all it takes for Kenpachi to burst out bawling like a small girl, his large chest is racked with heaving breaths.
He shoves Kuchiki off him then starts to the manor door.
"Kenpachi dont-don't leave like that."
Zaraki stops at the door but doesn't say anything.
"You hate me." He mumbles and hangs his spiked head low.
"I don't hate you."
"Yeah you do."
"I do not hate you, Zaraki Kenpachi."
It is with a furious sadness in his eye that Kenpachi turns to face the shorter man.
"THEN WHY WONT YOU SAY YOU'RE MY FRIEND?"
"Because I don't know you that, well. Ah see now don't start crying again. You want something to eat or drink?" Byakuya takes the taller man's hand in his own.
Kenpachi sniffs and nods his head.
"What do you want?"
"...a cookie."
"I will get a servant to bring you one."
"And a glass of milk."
"Of course."
"And some ice cream!"
"Don't push it."
Mayuri turns to the two people sitting on separate tables in his laboratory. One a large man with a cruel face and the other a small girl. In his hand he holds a vial of bubbling acidic blue chemical and he pours into two metal cups and gives one to Kenpachi and another to Yachiru.
"This should put your souls back in your bodies."
Yachiru eyes his/her glass then raises it to the ceiling. "Fire in the hole. I cannot wait to be back in my own skin!" She says then downs her glass in one gulp.
Kenpachi sips his then makes a face at the awful taste but reluctantly downs his as well. Mayuri watches with interest as smoke once more fills the room then settles.
"Well..? How do you feel?"
Kenpachi looks down at his body and grins.
"You fixed me, doc. Well Im gone!" He hops down and Yachiru giggles and jumps on his shoulder, in a flash they are out of the room and racing towards an uncertain future. The scientist watches them go with a sigh then calls in Rin and Akon to clean up the second hole blown in the lab wall.
翻文之前我看了两集日和，文中若出现“闪瞎”“牙灭蝶”等原版肯定不会有的语句，不要怀疑，都是因为翻译闹不住了。
警告：千万不要企图想象其中的任何场景…否则，你会囧死的…
『来自』fanfiction.net
『原题』Kenpachi Wants Cookies
『作者』RabiSheep
作者的话：
瞅瞅我脑子里都是些什么玩意儿啊……这是某天晚上想到的，我觉得可以写个挺口耐的小故事，希望大家喜欢，记得回复！
粉红的头发，笑声和小小的脚步声，野性笑容和刺猬头，这是一个诡异的组合，大男人跟着小萝莉，小萝莉握着带鞘的无名斩魄刀。剑八跟在飞奔的八千流后面，穿过迷宫般的瀞灵廷房屋，离他自己的地盘越来越远。在剑八想起自己迷路了之前，粉发的傻孩子在前面笑了，他怒火冲天地跟上。
“嘿嘿，你抓不到我，小剑~~”
“八千流，把我的刀还回来。”大多数人在耍宝的八千流面前都会抓狂，剑八的声音还是很温和。她跳上旁边一座房子的屋顶，剑八跟上，但她马上消失。他一边骂，一边从踩碎的屋瓦中拔出脚来，他听见她往反方向逃跑时的笑声。
“死小鬼，真要命！”剑八叹气，加速追了上来，八千流停在一幢房子前面，看着墙上写着的“科学”等等字眼，剑八一个猛扑，下一秒，她让开，他迎面撞穿了……墙。
“人家也要玩嘛，小剑！”剑八躺在一堆碎砖烂瓦中间，八千流跳到他的胸膛上。
倒霉的涅茧利。他正在沉思，那个蠢蛋队长剑八和他的副官八千流居然撞进来，把实验用品碰掉一地。打翻的药水和粉末到处都是，在地上汇成五颜六色冒泡的小池塘，跟墙上的碎砖混到一起。有一瞬间，变态科学家呆坐在那里，被这俩人的突然袭击闪瞎了。
“好好玩啊！”八千流踩着剑八胸膛跳上跳下。
就在两人头顶，碰倒的架子上放着一瓶蓝色药水，贴着“警告，极度危险，禁止触碰（就是叫你丫，阿近！）”的标签。瓶子在两人头顶之上摇晃着，涅茧利盯着它，祈祷着它不要掉下来，他几个月的心血可不能白费啊。瓶子正在架子边缘跳舞。
“牙灭蝶！”涅茧利尖叫出声，但已经晚了，瓶子掉下来，在空中翻着筋斗，剑八和八千流都抬起头望着它，药瓶砸在萝莉的大头上，两人都溅了一身药水，一团巨大的蓝云升起，把他们吞没了。变态科学家看着药水云散去，留下惊呆的两人坐在原地。
剑八惊讶地看着……他自己。他在照镜子吗？镜子里的影像不会露出牙齿回应他，也不会发出小女孩样的咯咯笑声，他低头看去，眼睛睁得老大，他变小了！实际上，他此时的身体就像……
“八千流……”他低声说，看着小小的双手。
涅茧利一拳砸在桌子上。
“我勒个槽！我正在研究，你们两个白痴突然闯进来，我花了好几个月时间做成的灵药，都泼到你们身上了！那是灵魂互换的药，能把灵魂转入其他人的身体。好，剑八，你的灵魂在八千流的身体里，而且我没有解药！”
剑八和八千流呆呆地望着满脸油彩的男人，这是第一次，两人都说不出话来。
小萝莉身体里的剑八嘟囔了一句很不萝莉的话，对着BT科学家冷笑。
“那你就快点造解药出来，明天晚上队长开会，我必须得去。”
可爱萝莉的声线，突然发出这种命令的口气，感觉很诡异。男人身体里的八千流在兴致盎然地挖鼻孔，一无所获。
“我命令你们现在就走，你们在这里闹，我根本没法干活。”涅茧利挥手把两人赶跑，走进另一个房间去了。
“八千流”跳下他的“前”胸膛，拣起刀，走出墙洞之前，他命令道：
“八千流，回你的房间，等我，或者那个变态科学家队长叫你，我要去干活了。”
一角和弓亲刀刃相交，正在对练，铿锵声响彻整个训练场。突然两人都停下了，看着朝他们走来的，“八千流”的小小身体。
“继续打！”她以队长大人的语气命令道。
“哦……好。”一角结巴着，朝弓亲攻去，粉发的女孩坐在草地上，专心地看着他们，感觉真的好诡异。
另一边，剑八身体里的八千流正在独自跑跑跳跳，早就忘记了他的伙伴嘱咐的话。
她/他咯咯地笑。
“在小剑的身体里好好玩啊！我现在先做什么呢？”
（翻译：要是我就冲回队舍，脱光了照镜子……嗯？怎么都用这种眼光看我）
“剑八”一面说，一面跳过众多围观的死神，围观群众们呆呆地看着高大的男人。
“我知道了！我要去找四眼（翻译：不知道8600管蓝染叫什么啊，四眼是我瞎取的……）！”八千流叫道，蹦蹦跳跳地朝蓝染的队舍跑去。
对蓝染惣右介来说，这是平凡的一天，他正在谋划颠覆瀞灵廷和不久之后的叛变。他跪坐在桌子旁边，安静地批阅文件，突然传来一阵令人不安的熟悉笑声，还有奔跑的声音。
毫无预兆地，蓝染右边的墙上开了个大洞，他呆坐在原地，笔还停在写了一半的文件上。等烟尘落地，一个凤梨头的男人身影显现出来。有一秒钟蓝染吓到了，以为另一个队长发现了他的叛变图谋，要来干掉他。
“啊！这地方真是一团糟！”“剑八”走了进来，好像这是自己家一样。“四眼你有没有听过蓬头眼镜男的笑话？”
蓝染差点倒地，但还是保持镇定。
“剑八，你知不知道门是干什么用的？”他站起来，拍掉裤子上的灰尘。
“这是干什么用的？”“剑八”指着旁边架子上的一个水晶仙鹤雕塑。
“别碰！”
蓝染冲过来抢救，但仙鹤已经掉到了地上，成了无数碎片。
“哎呀。”“剑八”一点也不为此感到抱歉，他一笑，跑过来看蓝染的文件。
“让我也画一画嘛！”他抢过笔，在蓝染辛苦填好的手稿上画起小动物来。
“剑八，住手！”眼镜男从更大的男人手掌中抢过笔。
“剑八”转过眼神，叹了口气。“你从来没让我开心过，我讨厌你！”
“你出什么毛病了，更木队长？你还闹得住——别冲我做鬼脸！”
“剑八”朝着蓝染吐舌头，把唾沫吐在他发眼镜上，叛变的蓝染大人把镜子摘下来慢慢擦干净，囧。
突然高大的男人表情变得紧张起来，两膝交叉。
“现在又怎么啦？”蓝染恼火地问。
“我要嘘嘘。”
（翻译：犹豫了半天，终于用了最符合原文也最囧的一种翻译……请注意，跟蓝染说话的那个人是八千流！八千流！觉得八爷形象崩了的人别杀我啊啊啊啊）
“五番的厕所在大厅后面，随便用。”
“剑八”瞬步跑出房间，高大的男人冲进女厕关上门，许多女生满脸惊恐尖叫着跑了出来，几分钟后“剑八”红着脸走出来，雏森桃站在水池边，下巴脱臼地看着“十一番队长”在女厕里洗手，然后欢快地跑了出去。“剑八”走掉之后，雏森对镜盯着自己的倒影。
“下次我再也不跟松本出去喝酒了。”
在瀞灵廷更安静的一个角落，“八千流”在教导十一番队员斩术，教了几个小时新兵如何握刀之后已经是剑八平时吃饭的时间，她饿了。
“小子们，我快饿死了，跟我出去找点吃的吧？”萝莉身体里的剑八伸了个懒腰，小手揉着小小的肚子。
在这样一个平常的晚上，一角、弓亲跟粉发萝莉同坐在一家拉面店里，感觉很诡异。俩人被她消灭一碗碗拉面的速度吓了一跳，那完全是他们老大的野兽派架势，很快所有的老客都开始打赌，她会不会吐出来，在第五碗的时候小萝莉停了下来。
周围一片欢呼。“八千流”无视他们，跳下凳子，走进男厕。围观群众纷纷表示不解。
“我们该告诉她进错厕所了吗？”弓亲偷偷对他的伙伴说。
“不用，她最好自己吸取教训。”一角边吃边说。
一看到小萝莉来了，厕所里众人赶紧提上裤子。
“出去，这是男洗手间！”一个人喊起来了，大错特错。
小萝莉看向那个朝她喊叫的人，房间里灵压瞬间从零暴涨到足以碾碎骨头，他跪在地上，艰难地呼吸。
“小子，想跟我玩玩？”“八千流”带着恐怖的笑容，低声说。地上的男人浑身发抖。
“我是说，这洗手间是您的，您想干什么就干什么，小姐！”
“好！”灵压消失，小萝莉走进一个单间。
朽木白哉想把那个大个子家伙赶走，但只成功把“剑八”摔到地上，他坐在“剑八”胸口上，指着他。
“你还闹得住吗？更木队长？”白哉喊道：“你先是企图坐在我肩上，然后你塞给我一根沾着唾沫的棒糖，现在你又想拥抱我，给我走开！”
“可你是我的朋友啊，大白~~”
“我不是你的朋友！我只是你的同事而已！我不喜欢你！”
（翻译：虽然不支持白剑，可这段话怎么看怎么有种傲娇的味道……）
白哉吓呆了，看到“剑八”眼里出现液体，“更木队长”抽了抽鼻子，一次，两次，三次，下唇颤抖。
“苍天啊！”白哉坐在哭泣的男人胸膛上扶额，然后“剑八”像个小女孩一样大哭起来，宽阔的胸膛一起一伏。
他推开白哉，朝门口走去。
“剑八，你不应该这样离开的。”
“剑八”站住了，但什么都没有说。
“你讨厌我。”他喃喃地说，凤梨头垂得很低。
“我不讨厌你。”
“你就是。”
“我真的不讨厌你，更木剑八。”
（翻译：这段暧昧的……）
“剑八”转过头来看着白哉，眼里是极大的悲伤。
“那你为什么不承认你是我的朋友？”
“因为我还没有告诉你，别哭了，你想吃点东西吗？”白哉握住了“剑八”的手。
“剑八”抽噎着点头。
“你要什么呢？”
“……饼干。”
“我会叫人来送的。”
“还有一杯牛奶。”
“当然。”
“还有冰激凌！”
“没问题。”
涅茧利转向坐在实验室里的两人，面容凶恶的彪形大汉和小萝莉，变态科学家拿着一瓶冒着气泡，散发酸味的蓝药水，他把药水倒进两只金属杯子里，递给“剑八”和“八千流”。
“你们的灵魂会回到原来的身体里。”
“八千流”看了看他/她的杯子，把它举向天花板：“妈的，我等不及要回自己的皮囊了！”她边说，边把杯子里的药水一饮而尽。
“剑八”尝了一小口，对那恶心的味道做了个鬼脸，但还是把杯子喝空了。涅茧利充满兴致地看着一阵烟雾腾起，充满房间，然后消失。
“哦，感觉怎么样？”
剑八低头看着自己的身体，然后笑了。
“变态，你总算把我给治好了！”他跳下椅子，八千流笑着窜上他的肩膀，两人飞奔出房间跑向未知的未来，变态科学家叹了口气，让阿瑞和阿近来处理实验室墙上，俩人撞出的第二个洞。
（翻译：原文这里的对话很生动，与剑八的个性相当吻合，翻译无能，不能还原原文，请多多原谅了）
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5405546/1/Kenpachi_Wants_Cookies
Oh dear look what the demons in my mind have churned out now. This came to me one night and I thought It would make a cute little story. I hope you find it amusing. If you do drop me a review!
-RabiSheep
Bubblegum giggles and pattering footfalls. A feral grin and hair spiked like a porcupine. They made an odd couple to be certain, this grown man and tender child who run through the Serieti with the smaller one in the lead. In her hands she holds the name less sword safely locked away in its sheath as the man follows her impossible speed through the maze-like structures that take him far from his own squads area. Before he knows it he is lost yet still the pink haired goof giggles and keeps running with him blazing after her.
"~Hehe You cant catch me, Ken-chaaaaan!~" She teases in a tone that speaks of ponies and sparkly stickers and rainbows.
"Gimmie my zanpaktou back, Yachiru." Fatherly voice still patient with her antics where most people would have gone crazy. She leaps onto the roof of a nearby building and he jumps after but in a flash she is gone. Cursing as he plunges into the tiles of the roof he tries to stop his body from destroying the building. He hears her giggling as she takes off the opposite direction.
"That lil brat is gonna be the death of me." He laments and runs after her. The large man picks up speed when she stands in front of a building looking up at the words saying something about science or something like that. He pounces at her but she moves at the last second and he bursts through the wall.
"~I want to play, too! Ken-Chaaaaannnn!~" She leaps onto his chest and sits on him as he lies in a pile of rubble inside the building.
Poor Mayuri. He had been just sitting there minding his own business when that oaf captain Kenpachi and his sidekick Yachiru bursts through the wall and throw his experiments everywhere. Chemicals and powders are thrashed around and lie in bubbling puddles of every color across the room to mix with the rubble of the broken wall. For a moment the scientist just sits there blinking at the sudden intrusion.
"This game is FUUUUUUUNNNN!" Yachiru squees and bounces up and down on Kenpachi's chest.
Above their heads on a now lopsided shelf teeters a blue chemical in a glass vial labeled "Caution: Very dangerous. Do not touch! (That means you Akon)". The vial wobbles on the edge directly above the groaning Kenpachi and laughing Yachiru. Mayuri's lock with it and he pleads it not to fall off, months of dedicated research to make it which he had just finished last night were about to go to waste. It wobbles closer to the edge as if doing a beautiful dance.
"Please...! NO!" He screams but its to late. The vial drops off the shelf and does a slow motion somersault as it tumbles down to where both Kenpachi and Yachiru stopping their noises for a brief second to look up at the falling object. It smashes on the girl's thick skull and splatters them both in the liquid before a giant blue cloud of smoke springs up to swallow them inside it. He stares at the cloud as it slowly fades leaving a very stunned looking couple sitting there.
Kenpachi stares in horror as he looks at...himself. Is he looking in a mirror? No a mirror reflection of himself would not be grinning back at him and giggling like a little girl. Looking down his eyes widen as he finds his body is MUCH smaller then it was a few moments before, matter of fact he looked a lot like...
"Yachiru..." He mutters looking down at his small hands.
Mayuri slams his fists down on the table top.
"CURSES!"
"That elixir you idiots just bathed yourselves in was one of had worked MONTHS on! It's a spirit switching one that changes the spirits into another persons body so before you even ask Yes, Kenpachi you are in Yachiru's body. And NO I have not yet made an antidote for it, yet. I was working on that when you two burst in here."
Kenpachi and Yachiru stare at the man with the painted face, each equally silent for the first time..ever.
Kenpachi in the girl's body grunts a very ungirly grunt and sneers at the scientist.
"Well you had better make one fast because I have to be at that captains meeting tomorrow night."
That commanding tone sounds so strange in that pretty-in-pink voice. Yachiru in the man's body picks her nose, always having wandered what took place inside his nose. Surprisingly no boogers.
"I suggest you leave now as I cannot possibly work with such distractions such as you pestering me here." Mayuri dismisses them with a wave of his hand then turns to stalk into another room. Kenpachi climbs off his former chest and picks up his sword before walking out the hole he had created.
"Yachiru go back to your room and wait for me or that scientist captain to come get you. I have to go do some work."
Ikkaku and Yumichika cross blades in the training yard, the clang of metal on metal rings loud through the area as the dance a deadly waltz together. Suddenly they both stop and look at the small form of Yachiru that had wandered alone towards them.
"Keep fighting!" She orders them in a tone much like their captain's.
"Uh...okay." Ikkaku stutters and attacks Yumi. The pink haired girl sits in the grass and watches them with interest so strong its strange to see it in the usually silly child.
Else where...
Yachiru in Kenpachi's body skips along, having long forgotten the order to go back to her quarters. She/he giggles.
"Ken-chan's body is fun to play around in! I wonder what I should do first?"
Zaraki says as he skips past many staring shinigami that stand gawking at the giant man.
"Ooohhh I know! I'll pay glasses man a visit!" Kenpachi squeals and bounces towards Aizen's squad's quarters, always fun messing with him.
For Sosuke Aizen it's a typical quite day plotting the demise of the Soul Society and his betrayal of that is soon to come. He kneels at his desk quietly filling out captain's forms and finishing his days paper work when out side he hears a disturbingly familiar laugh and the sound of coming large running.
With out warning a large explosion obliterates the wall to Aizen's right. He remains kneeling there still in shock with his pen half way to the now ash covered paper as the dust begins to settle to reveal a spiked haired man standing there. For a second panic floods through Aizen as he begins to wonder if the other captain had figured out his coming betrayal and had come to finished him. Kenpachi meets Aizens gaze and for a moment the two glare at each other.
"Wow this place is a MESS!" Zaraki walks in and looks around as if he owned the room. "Aint you ever heard of something called a mop, glasses-man?"
Aizen nearly falls over in relief but he keeps his composure, as usual.
"Have you ever heard of using a door, Kenpachi?" He counters as he stands up to dust off his pants.
"What's this do?" Zaraki pokes a crystal sculpture of a crane on a nearby shelf.
"Don't touch that!"
Aizen lunges for it as it calls to the floor, but to late as it shatters into a trillion pieces.
"Oops." Kenpachi does not look one bit sorry as he grins and bounces over to see the paper Aizen had been working on before the explosion.
"Ah I wanna draw, too!" He takes the pin and scribbles some cartoon animals on it all over the carefully filled out script.
"He stop that, Kenpachi!" The glasses wearing man snatches the pin out of the larger, mans hands. Kenpachi sighs and rolls his eyes.
"You never let me have ANY fun! I HATE you!"
"What has gotten into you Captain Zaraki? Are you sic- Hey don't stick you tongue out at me!"
Kenpachi blows a raspberry in Aizen's face, spraying his glasses with drops of spit. Slowly the soon to be traitor takes off his spectacles and wipes them on his robe. Lovely.
Suddenly the taller man's face grows strained, as if in pain and he crosses his knees together in a sort of squirming dance.
"What is it now?" Aizen asks with an exasperated sigh.
"I have to tinkle."
"The squad bathrooms are down that hall. Please feel free to use them."
With that in mind Kenpachi flash-steps out of the ruined room and bursts into the girls bathroom. Many frightened girls scream and run out with looks of priceless terror on their faces as the tall man runs into a stall and closes the door. A few minuets later there is a lady-like flush and Kenpachi steps up to the sinks to wash his hands. Nanao stands at the sink beside him staring with her jaw slack as the captain of the eleventh squad casually washes then dries his hands in the girls bathroom then skips out merrily on his way. As he leaves she looks at her reflection in the mirror.
"Never again will I go drinking with Kyoraku."
On the more peaceful side of the Soul Society Yachiru instructs squad members on their fighting style. After hours of teaching these brats how to hold a sword she gets hungry around the time Kenpachi usually had dinner.
"MMAAAANNN, I'm half-starved. You guys want to go get some food somewhere?" Kenpachi in the girl's body rubs his tiny belly and stretches out his arms.
She and Ikkaku as well as Yumichika settle to go to a noodle place even tho they find it weird to be having such a normal evening with the pink haired girl. As they eat they are stunned to see her putting away bowl after bowl of steaming food at such a pace they had only witness Kenpachi doing. Soon all the patrons in the restaurant begin betting on when she is going to barf from eating so much. Near he fifth bowl she stops then sets down her bowl.
The crowd cheers. Ignoring them she hops off her stool and walks to the mens bathroom as the group of onlookers look on in confusion.
"Should we tell her she is going in the wrong bathroom?" Yumichika whispers to his companion.
"Naw, better for her to learn on her own." Ikkaku says whilst slurping down some noodles.
Inside the bathroom men standing at the urinals hastily pull up their pants as to not 'expose' themselves to the wandering little girl.
"Get out of here! This a BOYS restroom!" One of the men shouts at her. Big mistake.
The spiritual pressure in the room jumps from next to nothing to bone crushing in an instant as slowly the small girl looks up at the man who had shouted at her. He now kneels on the floor while trying to catch his breath.
"You wanna run that by me again, son?" Yachiru growls with a feral grin. The man is clearly afraid, he whimpers and shakes in fear.
"I said 'the bathroom is yours, do what you want to in it, miss'!"
"Good!" Instantly the pressure is let up and the girl walks inside a stall.
Byakuya Kuchiki attempts to shove the large man off him, but only manages in wrestling him to the ground. He sits on Kenpachi's chest and pins him.
"What has gotten into you, Captain Zaraki?" He all but yells. "First you try to sit on my shoulder then you offer me a slobbery sucker, now you keep trying to hug me! CUT IT OUT!"
"But you're my frrriiieeennnndddd, Baka-chan!"
"I am not you FRIEND! I am you co-worker and nothing more! I don't even like you that much!"
Byakuya stare in horror as Kenpachi's eyes begin to mist then fill with water. Zaraki sniffs, one, twice, three times with his bottom lip trembling.
"Oh for heaven's sake." The dark haired one rubs his forehead with one hand while sitting on the chest of the whimpering man. That is all it takes for Kenpachi to burst out bawling like a small girl, his large chest is racked with heaving breaths.
He shoves Kuchiki off him then starts to the manor door.
"Kenpachi dont-don't leave like that."
Zaraki stops at the door but doesn't say anything.
"You hate me." He mumbles and hangs his spiked head low.
"I don't hate you."
"Yeah you do."
"I do not hate you, Zaraki Kenpachi."
It is with a furious sadness in his eye that Kenpachi turns to face the shorter man.
"THEN WHY WONT YOU SAY YOU'RE MY FRIEND?"
"Because I don't know you that, well. Ah see now don't start crying again. You want something to eat or drink?" Byakuya takes the taller man's hand in his own.
Kenpachi sniffs and nods his head.
"What do you want?"
"...a cookie."
"I will get a servant to bring you one."
"And a glass of milk."
"Of course."
"And some ice cream!"
"Don't push it."
Mayuri turns to the two people sitting on separate tables in his laboratory. One a large man with a cruel face and the other a small girl. In his hand he holds a vial of bubbling acidic blue chemical and he pours into two metal cups and gives one to Kenpachi and another to Yachiru.
"This should put your souls back in your bodies."
Yachiru eyes his/her glass then raises it to the ceiling. "Fire in the hole. I cannot wait to be back in my own skin!" She says then downs her glass in one gulp.
Kenpachi sips his then makes a face at the awful taste but reluctantly downs his as well. Mayuri watches with interest as smoke once more fills the room then settles.
"Well..? How do you feel?"
Kenpachi looks down at his body and grins.
"You fixed me, doc. Well Im gone!" He hops down and Yachiru giggles and jumps on his shoulder, in a flash they are out of the room and racing towards an uncertain future. The scientist watches them go with a sigh then calls in Rin and Akon to clean up the second hole blown in the lab wall.
